Light of Things

I need you like I’ve never needed anyone in my life. It’s ridiculous that I made you go through so much pain and you still fell in love with me, even more it is that I fell so madly in love with you. I really did, and I do, I love you so much and I miss you so bad…

The tears left my eyes automatically as I read yet another letter. It’s been eight months since I left the cabin and eight heartbreaking months since I’ve been getting these letters every three days or so. I thought that eventually he’d get tired of my indifference but he never did, every time they get here I go and throw them in the trash while in front of Gregy and Shery but when they turn around I quickly pick it up and scorn myself until I’m done reading it and feel like the first time I saw him, completely dumbfounded.

With the third letter he sent a lock bracelet but no charms so with every other letter he’s been filling it with charms that mean something for the both of us and our time together;

you’re my little spit fire, that’s why I sent you a fire charm cuz I always remember you like that…

I bit my lip and smiled through my tears. I miss him too, I guess he wasn’t lying when he said he fell in love with me like I accused him but I’m too proud to even listen to him so I still have no idea what were the reasons for him to take that deal from my father, I couldn’t listen to him it was too painful;

I will never give up and I will never run out of things to tell you.

I love you

-Matt

I sighed and put the letters with the rest in a binder specifically for them. I went and washed my face and stared for a moment at my face, I’m still nothing like I used to, I haven’t felt safe since I went away, I haven’t felt beautiful either.

In front of that mirror I wondered what I did so bad in my past life to deserve all this, no one would ever have an explanation for that but still it didn’t hurt to wonder. I did my makeup and changed into work clothes before putting that charm on my bracelet which I haven’t taken off since he sent it.

He is more than I can even explain to myself and I honestly miss every little thing about him, even his snores and how he pulled me closer to his body in the middle of the night and made it impossible for me to get away, but not in the sense of not wanting me to escape but just wanted me close to him. I even miss his laughter. Still, I’m too proud.

Silently I search for news on them and on their tours, watch all the videos, saw my beautiful man slowly fade away in front of everyone but that still was not enough to really get to me.

Shery and Gregy know everything, too. Even the fact that I love him like crazy but they opted to tear me apart. Shery believes that I should hear him out cuz true love only comes once in a lifetime, Gregy believes I need to move on to someone else so that he can do so as well. And I of course just decide to ignore the fuck out of them and walk away every time the conversation comes to play;

Matt

I wrote another letter and in the envelope added an E.

E is for Eric, I know it’s pretty pointless but I’m sure it will bring a smile to your beautiful face.

I smiled just thinking about it, I also printed out a picture of the dozens we took together in Big Bear. I put it all together and stood from the small table in our bus. I was so consumed in getting her back I didn’t pay attention to anything else. Whenever I wasn’t on stage I was writing to her or playing COD those seemed the only escapes for me. When I got back from the nearest mailbox I went to my laptop.

Perezhilton.com and searched her name and recent posts.

Terry-D was spotted outside her newest acquisition Golden Record Stores in downtown LA as she watched the redecoration of it.

I flipped through all the pictures, she was smiling as they hung a poster of nightmare. One thing that caught my eye was her right hand, she’s worn the bracelet every single day, that’s what keeps me hopeful, that’s why I haven’t given up because I know she loves me as much as I love her. I won’t stop until I have her upfront once more and tell her my reasons and, at least, hold her had one more time.

Teresa

I got home from my new store around 8pm. Shery’s SUV was parked outside and I could only wonder what she could be doing here so early when she’s supposed to be on set.

“hello!” I called when I got in;

“living room,” I heard Gregy. I walked in and my eyes instantly caught my binder sitting on the coffee table;

“what’s this doing here?”

“Tere, this is an intervention,” Gregy sat me down on the couch, I just laughed at their serious faces;

“guys, this is retarded, okay? I’m eating right, sleeping better than ever actually I believe this is the best I’ve ever been…”

“no, it isn’t. you see… this is your addiction,” they brought out a poster of Matt shirtless and performing and fucking sexy, of course.

“you guys are hopeless,” I laughed;

“no you are,” Gregy said and I sat back still laughing silently;

“you’re addiction consist of a 29 year old rockstar who’s voice you had already loved for years but when you met the rest of him you were hooked,” Shery said, I could only smile, they were so professional about it.

“so the intervention is for me to move on from him or what?”

“no, actually it is for you to give him a chance and listen to him,” Gregy said;

“you’re not seriously saying that!” I sat up again “you were the one totally against it, why would you change your mind like that?” if he did change his mind I was as good as fucked it’d be two against one and I’d eventually have to give up;

“yes, but I didn’t know how he was. I’m sorry that I went through your things… I read two of the letters and realized that this man is seriously in love with you and totally regretting his decision of taking your father’s deal,” he sat by me again “just hear his side of the story and give yourself some time to decide if you want to take him back or completely forget about him,” I shook my head in shock “look, I know he hurt you, maybe he should’ve told you sooner but everyone makes mistakes and he had already apologized for taking you so why don’t you give him a chance to apologize for everything else?”

I stared at the binder because the truth of the matter was they were dead serious about and he hadn’t given up so I might as well do so, besides I was dying to know what reasons he had. I had yet to speak to my father in fear that I’d lose control and be just like him;

“so what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to find him?”

“you have his address and a GPS, go on,” Shery made it sound simple;

“and you’ve been to his house before so it won’t be so hard to find it,”

“and say what exactly?” I asked since they seemed to have an answer for everything;

“that you want to know his reasons and depending on the answer you’ll decide if you want to take him back or send him to the curve,” they did have an answer for everything, what I still hadn’t asked was how was I supposed to trust him after a thing like that? Even if he had a good reason I will never be able to trust him again;

“oh, and leave your trust issues on that doormat when you walk out cuz relationships are built out of trust but when you guys started it wasn’t about a relationship it was about passion and impulsiveness, and about the pleasure and if you fell in love in a situation like that you can’t stop trusting him for not telling you the entire story. Things change and it would be like a new start if you got back together,” Gregy said;

“Gregorio, get the fuck out of my head and fine, I’ll sleep on it,” I stood and grabbed the binder;

“while you do that, read this last letter that got in today,” Shery handed me another envelope;

“keep your paws off my things!” I disappeared into the hall;

“sleep on it!”

“I will!”