Light of Things

Matt

I sat on the couch pretending to watch a golf tournament but silently scolding myself. Question is: why am I angrier?

1. I took this girl as a way to escape from my mistakes,

2. Because now I’m falling for her piercing green eyes and blinding smile,

Whichever one, I was seriously fucking up. I mean, what if I really do fall in love with her? She won’t love me back and if she does, which I doubt it, she will probably end up hating my guts for the reasons I had to take her!

She walked out of the kitchen and stared at me blankly. I smiled involuntarily which she returned and slowly made her way closer to the couch.

“I’m gonna take a shower,” she said softly. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but there was definitely something wrong with her. She was shaky and her lip was quivering as if she wanted to cry;

“come here,” she hesitated for a second but got closer, I pulled softly on her hand and sat her down on my lap, “what’s wrong?” I brushed away the hair covering her face;

“nothing,” she said too quickly. I placed my hand on her cheek and pulled her into a soft kiss, I couldn’t stand to see her like this. So unsure and scared, I needed her to be herself; I loved everything she had to give when she’s calm.

“little girl, tell me what’s wrong,” I said softly running my hand over her waist. She flinched when my hand fell on a wet spot over her left hipbone, I gave her a questioning look before looking at my hand: blood, I quickly pushed her to her feet and stood up, she tried to walk away from me but I grabbed her hand to pull her back. I lifted her shirt to reveal a long straight gash that was half hidden by her pants;

“what the fuck you do?” I yelled; she just stared at her feet finally letting the tears fall. I dragged her to my bathroom and sat her on the counter. I cleaned her wound and closed it as much as I could with 4 butterfly stitches.

The anger had deafened me, I couldn’t understand when she told me that it stung or that she was sorry, I was just seeing red, mostly at the thought of something happening to her, not because I would get in a world of shit but because I don’t want to picture a day without her.

Once again I pulled her by her hand out to the room and sat her on the bed. I paced back and forward in front of her trying to make words to express myself instead of yelling and cursing at her like I would have done before. Finally I looked at her, she just sat there tapping her heel furiously and biting her nails.

“why’d you do that?” I asked putting my hands on her shoulders; her eyes were full of tears and fear, that made me calm down, “I’m sorry for freaking out, alright, I just… I get paper cut and I become a 5 year old boy, how’d you handle that?” I sat next to her, she buried her face in her open hands before sitting up straight once again;

“I don’t even feel it, yanno, maybe later when it’s just sore,” she said softly “there’s a lot of pressure in my chest, it’s the only way out,” she then said looking away from me. I took her in my arms and hugged her tightly, careful not to touch her fresh wound:

“that scared the shit out of me,”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered;

“it’s okay,” I said and kissed the side of her head before pulling back enough to see her, I searched her face for something, maybe a reason so I wouldn’t have to ask, but if they say I’m made of steel what the fuck is stronger? That I can’t figure her out.

“why’d you do it? though, we were doing fine,” I said completely pulling back;

“Matt, we’re doing fine? Where are my things, where’s my job and my friends? I’m not good enough for anything, not even to meet a nice man in a normal place. I’m stuck with an amazing stranger that kidnapped me in the middle of the night and the funny thing about this is how really stupid I am. I love being close to you, I feel safe and wanted while you could be a serial killer for all I know,” she said and I took a deep breath. In one hand I was somewhat content, I had made her feel good, she just admitted that much, but she wants to know about my life! Where do I find the strength to let her know about me?

“we were getting to know each other, why couldn’t you wait?” I stood up trying to avoid the subject of my life;

“because I take the best chance I get,” she said calmly, I scoffed madly and was about to walk away from her;

“I don’t get you,” I growled;

“and I don’t know you,” she grabbed my forearms so I would stop, but it was her tone, that was strong enough to wonder what would happen if I just walk away right now, she would probably stop talking to me for a while and I would result to groveling so I just stopped and stared down into her eyes;

“what do you need to know to be calmer? First: I haven’t killed anyone or anything,” I said making her smile slightly;

“alright, what are you running away from back home?” she had been thinking about that a lot since she asked very quickly;

“I’ll tell you when you tell me what happened to you when you were 12 years old,” I said just as quick;

“that’s a subject for another day,”

“alright, then what kind of accident left you those scars?” I’m gambling here, to know more about her, I was going to try anything and everything.

“both things are very traumatizing,” she said softly;

“then I won’t tell you anything, cuz we had a deal,” I said sitting next to her once again;

“fine, but you first cuz either one of my things will top yours by a long shot,” she said and I nodded, thought I highly doubted it, I mean, mine is about practical humiliation after wasting my entire life away and giving completely up on life itself, but I was going to give a shot;

“alright, well, I was with this girl for 15 years…”

“15 years?” she said softly but I still stopped and nodded;

“yeah, we got engaged a few years ago and I thought it was perfect, I was more than willing to do it, until she changed about a year or so ago and we drifted away from each other. I was still going to marry her, yanno, try to work things out after… the day before the wedding, I was supposed to be in New York and it got cancelled at the last minute so I went home from the airport to find her in my house, in my bed with another man,” I said feeling the chills cover my body, I wasn’t angry at her, not even hurt, it’s the humiliation of feeling lower than someone else as well as spending my life with someone who didn’t even deserve it. I looked down then back at her “I swallowed my pride and ran out, I’ve been hiding here ever since” I finished;

“you haven’t gone back?”

“I did once, my parents her parents and most common friends hated me for not telling my reasons. My ego is way too big to let everyone know what happened. I told the guys that’s why they don’t hate me, besides, I have no reasons to be back there,” I was already tired of talking about me, I feel like most of my life has been spent doing just that, thinking of me and only me, talking to everyone about me, I needwant to know about her.

“your sister seems to be a reason,” she said softly and I looked back at her, yeah, Amy would forgive me for Val, but not for Teresa;

“yeah, well. She doesn’t know about you,”

“oh, I get it I guess,” she said softly “why’d you have to be in New York?” she was too fucking curious and the worst thing about it, is how adorable she looked with an innocent look in her eyes as she asked;

“work,” I was still completely trying to avoid details;

“what you work in?” I looked away and sighed:

“not now, what happened to you?” she looked away probably hoping I had forgotten about it, unfortunately for her, I didn’t, I wanted to know about her life and I would stop at nothing;

“fine,” she sighed “when I was 16, I got pregnant, the father was a big shot friend of my dad’s, 20 years older than me, married with kids; he didn’t want to take responsibility for my baby. I didn’t need him to, I had enough money saved up to last the both of us a life time and my parents wanted me to have an abortion, I refused, so I moved out of my their house and fixed two suites in my hotel. One became my room and the other was a nursery for Samantha, my baby girl…” I was already shocked. So far her story had beat mine to absolutely nothing. She avoided my eyes with all she had, I guess that the memories would bring some serious tears into her eyes and she didn’t want to let me see that side of her. Since I caught her I have seen her cry maybe twice and it’s been almost two months from that.

“one day, during my 6th month, I was walking to the hotel from dunkin’ donuts, cuz I had this craving of a boston kreme donut every day and I was pulled into a patch of woods. A kid around 16 or 17 threw me on the floor and stabbed me 5 times…” anger made the heat rise to my cheeks just at the thought of someone heartless enough to hurt an inoffensive pregnant girl “…I’ll always remember his face, yanno, he wasn’t covered, he didn’t care if I saw him cuz I was supposed to die. He didn’t know that not far behind me came Gregy who was living with me, he was dating the guy at the DD so, he took a bit longer.

He rushed me to the hospital and as much as they tried, they couldn’t save her cuz he had stabbed her as well…” the tears threatened to leave her beautiful eyes. I had no words, it was something strange to see someone so strong actually had gone through something like that.

“I’m so sorry, Tere,” I said softly, she just shook her head and blinked her tears away;

“don’t be, Matt. You didn’t do anything, my father in the other hand, will regret everything he’s ever done to me,” she said, her tone had changed and angered filled her current one;

“what’d you mean?” I thought that she would probably ask me something in order to continue with our deal but she didn’t:

“4 years ago, I was browsing through his shit, and I found a copy of a check to a Joseph Miraz for 4 million dollars. So, I wrote the name down and when I got home I did what any other 21 year old would’ve done, I searched him in facebook. Turns out that: Joseph, was the guy that stabbed me and my father had paid him to do so,” she was so matter-of-factly as if there was nothing wrong with it! But when she continued talking I realized I was wrong, so very wrong.

“if divine punishment wasn’t so excruciating; I would make him pay for the tears and the blood and the screams and every single time I still felt her in me when she wasn’t even there,” she spoke through clenched teeth still fighting the tears. She took a deep breath and spoke again this time calmer “now, I might never have children, Matt, I was so hurt that I may be scarred for life…” I didn’t let her continue, I couldn’t let her lose her strength after so much. I hugged her tightly and shook my head;

“you will be a mother, I know it, you’ll be an amazing one,” I kissed her lips and she nodded softly “why don’t you go take a shower and we’ll watch a movie or something,” she nodded before taking a deep breath, that was supposed to calm her down.

How can she do that? It would take a three mile run, 20 laps in the pool, a 4 hour writing session and a very cold shower to calm me the fuck down! She stood up, not before kissing my lips once again and made her way to the bathroom. I looked for clothes for her and went inside as well.

“Tere, here are some clothes for you, I’ll be in the living room,”

“okay, I’ll see you in a lil bit,” she said and I walked out. I had to get this over with, I needed to do so. I opened my safe and grabbed a card, the card of the person behind all this. Yes, anyone would’ve thought I was the one that planned this, but the truth is: my heart is not that dark. I couldn’t hurt her like this any longer.
I dialed the number in my cellphone before locking the card back in. first time: straight to voice mail, second time, same. The third time, he picked up with a simple “hello?” but I was so over him I growled into the phone:
“I’m not doing this shit any longer!”