If I Die Young

To say that there was a gnawing feeling in my stomach, would be an understatement. I was extremly nervous to hear the results of the tests, even though I pretty much knew what they were going to be. I was just trying to act like nothing was bugging me for the sake of Dad's sanity.

I was being lazy, laying in bed and watching old Disney movies. We were basically waiting for the call from the doctor's office. When my door opened, I was suprised to see Johnny walk in.

"What're you doing here?" I asked, confused.

"I can't come see you?" He said, shrugging and giving me a small smile.

"You can, I was just surprised."

He looked at me all cuddled up in my blankets and shook his head. "Any room in there for me?" I held up the blankets as he took off his shoes and climbed into bed with me. He brought his arm around me and I cuddled up to him with my head on his chest. "Are we really watching Peter Pan right now?" He asked, laughing lightly.

"Don't judge," I mumbled, cuddling closer to him.

"You're worried, aren't you?" He whispered, gently running his hand over my cast. I staid quiet, before nodding.

"I already know what they're going to say, it's just hard when you hear it for sure."

He let out a sigh, before holding me closer. "Everything's going to be okay, Soph. No matter what, I'm here." He ran his hand up and down my back, and kissed my forehead.

"But why?" I whispered, playing with a random spot on his chest, avoiding eye contact with him.

"Did you really just ask me why?" He asked, confused. When I didn't say anything, he
gently moved my face so I was making eye contact with him. "Soph, what's going on?"

I sighed, shaking my head. "I'm just confused."

"Confused about what?"

I really had to chose my words carefully, or I knew this could come out wrong. "I'm confused about what's going on between us... I mean, there doesn't exactly have to be a label on it or anything, but I just want some kind of idea. I don't just want to be another groupie," I mumbled the last part, daring to look in his eyes. I was very surprised to see him smiling.

"You're so cute," he said, shaking his head.

"How am I cute?" I asked, frowning. I just poured my thoughts to him and that's all he has to say back?

"Because for one, there are a few huge issues bothering you, yet that's the one on the top of your mind right now. And second, you're unsure of yourself talking about it. You don't need to worry about any awkwardness when you want to talk to me abou something, Soph, especially that." I blushed, buring my head in his chest. He just laughed, wrapping his arms tighter around me. "To answer you, I don't want you to just be another groupie. I do have feelings for you, I just don't want to rush you into anything."

I smiled, looking up at him. "I have feelings for you, too." I still couldn't ignore the gnawing in my stomach, though. "I'm just afraid that if the cancer is back, it's going to be too much for you to handle."

"Soph, wether we were just friends or whatever it is we are now, it would never become too much for me. First and foremost you are one of my closest friends. Who cares about the age difference? It's never mattered before, so why start caring now? It's only a few years anyways." He sighed, running his fingers through my hair. "What I'm trying to say is that it will never be too much. I really do mean it when I say I'm here for you, I'm not going anywhere, so don't worry about that."

"You are too good to be true," I said, shaking my head.

"I'm no prince, Hun," he said, laughing.

I snuggled my face into his chest and wrapped my arm around his waist. "You are to me."

Somehow I ended up falling asleep for a little bit, because when I woke up the movie was over and Johnny was asleep. I was about to go back to sleep, when there was a small knock on my door. McKenna poked her head through the door to see if it was okay to come in. I gave her a sleepy smile and she tip-toed in.

"Daddy's not in a very good mood," she whispered, trying not to wake up Johnny.

I frowned, looking up at her. "Why do you say that?"

"He just isn't being Daddy," she said, shrugging her shoulders. That's when it dawned on me.

Dad is hardly ever in a bad mood, unless something is seriously bothering him. It was honestly really hard to piss him off, so he must have gotten the call from the doctor.

I slowly got out of bed, making sure not to wake Johnny up. Kenna walked with me downstairs to find Dad. He was sitting in his office, with his head in his hands. I gave Kenna a small hug and whispered to her to go play. I had a feeling that this should just be a talk between Dad and I.

Knocking softly on the door, I stepped into his office, and gently shut the door. "You got the call, didn't you?" I asked quietly, standing next to his desk.

He looked up at me with watery eyes. He sat back and pat his knee for me to sit on his lap. "Sweety, the bad news is, the cancer is back." His voice was a little shakey as he spoke, but I knew he hated to show me this side of him. He always wanted to be so strong for me.

"There's good news?" I asked, surprised.

He nodded slightly. "Even though it's back, the cells haven't spread very much. So, this time, they want to try radiation on you first. They're hoping that it will eliminate it and you won't have to go through chemo yet again. But, if worst comes to worst, which we all hope it doesn't, then you will have to do chemo again."

I nodded, trying to process everything he was saying. "Well, at least it's not as bad as we thought. I can handle radiation. I just hope that knocks it out first and I don't have to go through chemo again," I said, frowning. "If I have to, I have to though." I shrugged my shoulders and stood up. "Don't worry, Daddy, everything will work out," I said, bending down and giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"You're always so strong," he said, kissing my forehead.

"I'm going to go back upstairs with Johnny. Come get me if you need anything."

My dad always wanted to be strong for me, and I always wanted to be strong for him. It was a vicious circle for the both of us. Even though I was trying to be strong for my family and trying to show that everything was going to be okay. In all reality though, I was freaking out on the inside.