If I Die Young

As I was getting ready, my thoughts kept going back to what I had told Dad. I always wanted to try and reassure him that everything would be fine. But in the back of my mind, I knew I could possibly be giving him false hope. There was no absolute way of knowing whether I would make it through this time or not. If anything, the only reason I was fighting right now, was for my dad.

I txt Johnny when I was ready to go. He showed up and i told Dad I would be back later. I know he really didn't care when I would be home since he knew I was with Johnny. "So what are we gonna do?" I asked as he drove through Huntington.

"I figured we could get something to eat, and then take it from there. Because, I don't know about you, but I'm starving." I laughed, shaking my head. I wasn't exactly hungry, but I wasn't going to tell him that. I'd rather just go with the flow. Fewer questions would be asked. "I even thought of your favorite place," he said grinning as we pulled up outside of the local taco place. It was basically just a little shack on the beach that sold the best tacos in Southern California.

We ordered our food and decided to take it to the pier. He picked a spot at the end and we sat down, with our legs over hanging the edge. "So when do you guys think you'll start recording again?" I asked, taking a bite of my taco.

"I'm not sure. No one's really mentioned anything yet. I think we're all just soaking up the fact that we're home for a while."

"Yeah, I couldn't imagine being on the road for that long."

"It's definitely hard." There was a comfortable pause, before he spoke again. "When do you start chemo again?"

I took a deep breath, giving him a small smile. "Starting with the big questions, huh?" I asked, giving a small giggle.

"I just worry about you," he said softly, shrugging his shoulders.

"You shouldn't worry about me," I said, shaking my head.

"Oh? And who should I be worrying about?" He asked, challenging me.

I thought carefully, before I spoke again. "Brian for sure. He's going to be a total basket case. There's no telling what that man will do. Then, there's Suzy. She'll be a wreck, but act like nothing is wrong for the sake of my dad." I took a pause, thinking about him. "Then there's my dad. He's going to be the worst of them all... I worry about him the most."

"Why are you saying all of this? You act as if you're not going to get better..." He whispered, not wanting to process what I was saying.

I looked him dead in the eyes, hoping to get him to understand. "I'm not, Johnny... I can feel it. I can feel that I'm not going to get better. The only reason I'm going through another round of treatment is for my dad. I know it's useless though..." I stared off into the ocean. The sun had set about an hour ago, and the moon hung brightly in the sky. It's light reflected off the ocean, looking almost magical.

"I refuse to believe that," he said, shaking his head.

"It's not like I actually enjoy thinking about death, Johnny. I've just decided to come to terms with it." This had been a heavy topic in my mind for a while that kept me up late almost every night. But I finally decided enough was enough and to just come to terms with it. It was all I could do to keep my sanity.

"Come on; let's go have some fun like I had originally planned. I don't want to have to think about this right now." He stood up and held his hand out for me to take. As I stood up, I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him tight.

"It'll be okay, I promise." I tried to give him a reassuring smile, which he returned. "So, what did you have in mind?" I asked, taking his hand and walking up the pier to the sand.
"Well, a couple of things. We could go to the arcade, go to the movies, or cruise around town?"

"How about all of it? The night's still young."

He looked at me with an amused smile. "Let's go," he said, not even questioning me.

We literally did everything we could possibly do that night. It was the most fun I had had in a while. I honestly just felt free.

I ended up passing out on the way home, and Johnny just ended up carrying me to my room. I could vaguely remember him telling me good night and kissing my forehead, before leaving.

"Late night?" Dad smirked as I walked down the stairs with terrible bed head and trying to rub the sleep out of my eyes.

"You know, most dads would lecture their teenage daughter for being out so late," I said, giving him a weird look.

"Yeah, well you're not like most girls."

"What's that mean?" I asked, giving a small laugh.

"Meaning I know you're more responsible than most teenagers. And I also knew you were very well taken care of. So, I didn't need to worry as much." He smiled, patting my head.

"Thanks, Dad," I smiled, before walking into the kitchen.

"So I'll give you some time to wake up. But do you think we'll be able to leave here by noon? We have to get you in by one." Today was my first round of treatment... Again.

"Yeah, let me just get a glass of water. Then I'll head up and get ready," I said, looking at the clock. It was only ten, so that gave me plenty of time to get ready.

After I got out of the shower and was brushing my hair, I heard a familiar voice comically singing down stairs. I knew he would be up here within a few minutes, so I didn't bother to go greet him.

"Good morning, Sunshine!" Jimmy sang, coming into my bedroom.

"Hi, Jimbo," I said, giving him an amused smile. "What're you doing here?"

He gasped in mock horror. "You mean Papa didn't tell you?"

I gave him a skeptical look. "Tell me what?"

"I'm taking you today," he said with a big grin on his face. He looked genuinely happy, so I didn't want to burst his bubble.

"Jim, you know it's going to be a long, boring couple of hours, right?" I honestly didn't want anyone to be stuck there with me. They could be doing better things with their time.

"That's why I'm coming along. So it's not so boring." He was so cute I couldn't tell him no.

"Okay, Jim. Let's go," I said, grabbing my backpack. I figured I could at least get some homework down while I was there.

"I'll see you when you get back," Dad said, giving me a hug and kissing my forehead. "I love you."

"Love you too, Dad." With that, we got into Jimmy's car and left.

"Jim, what's the real reason for you taking me?" I asked softly as we drove.

He sighed, knowing he couldn't dance around the subject any more. "I was talking to Suzy the other day, and she honestly didn't think your dad could go through this again without breaking down. And she didn't want that to end up freaking you out."

I gave a sad smile and looked out the window. "He's always trying to be so strong. When is he going to realize he doesn't need to stress over me so much?"

"He stresses so much because this is something he knows he can't protect you from or help you with. He basically feels helpless watching his daughter fight something and not knowing if she'll make it through or not."

"I wish there was something I could do or say to assure him everything will be okay. He has three other kids he needs to worry about." He took my hand in his, giving it a gently squeeze. It was a conversation that could continue to go in circles, so it was best to leave it.