If I Die Young

I groaned partly in discoumfot/pain and partly in frustration. I felt like I had gotten a huge blast of sun, and ended up getting random sun burns along my skin. Part of my brain was fighting over which was worse; chemo or radiation.

"So, how's school going so far?" Jim asked, trying to make simple conversation to keep my mind occupied and away from the pain.

"It's okay, as good as school can get," I mumbled, laying my head against the car window, feeling the end of that hot flash.

"They're understanding about all of this, right?" He asked, furrowing his brow as he kept his eyes concentrated on the road ahead.

"Surprisingly they really are. They were really good about everything when I had to go through chemo last year. My teachers just put packets together for me, and I had to have them turned in by a certain time."

"Good," he muttered, seeming deep in thought.

I ended up falling asleep, because the next time I opened my eyes, I was laying on the couch. Odd...

I slowly sat up on the couch, feeling the material of my shirt rubbing against my raw feeling skin. I groaned, feeling my head start with a dull head ache. "Here you go, Sweetie," Dad said, walking in and handing me a water.

"Thanks, Dad," I mumbled as he kissed my forehead.

"How are you feeling?" He asked, sitting down next to me.

"Like total crap... I just wanna curl in a ball and sleep forever..." I said, laying my head on his shoulder. He sighed heavily, and I could see the torn look in his eyes. "But, don't worry, I know it'll get better. It's just the first treatment, I'll get used to it," I said, sitting up straight, not wanting to put his burden on my father's shoulders, yet again.

He was about to say something, when the door opened and in walked Johnny. Dad excused himself as Johnny walked over to me. "Hey, Hun," he said, sitting next to me and trying to wrap me in a side hug. I hissed in pain, and he jumped, pulling away from me. "What'd I do?" He asked, eyes wide and worry all over his face.

"Nothing... I'm just pretty soar," I said, pulling down one side of my sweatshirt to show him a few of the red blotches.

"Oh, Babe..." He said, frowning and gazing at my skin. "That looks terrible. Are you sure they did it right?"

I gave him a soft smile. "It's just one of the side effects, along with feeling like shit and throwing up. Possible decrease in appetite along with it."

"I don't like that..." He muttered, looking at me with sad eyes.

"Don't worry about it, I'll be fine," I said, tucking my head underneath his chin. I felt like I had been saying that a lot lately, but didn't really know if I truely meant it...

The next couple of treatments went like this, and weren't showing any signs of letting up. I called my doctor on my own without my dad knowing, because I wanted a straight answer from him.

"Is the radiation actually working, Dr. Sterns? Or am I just waisting my time?" I asked, wincing through the pain my body was currently experiencing.

There was a long pause before he sighed heavily. "I've been tracking your progress, Sophia very closely... Maybe we can try Chemotherapy again and-"

"No," I said sternly, cutting him off. "I'm done," I said, before hanging up the phone. As soon as I hung the phone up, nausea crept it's way into my throat, and I sprinted to the bathroom. It was usually bile that came up anymore. I hadn't lost too much weight, thanks to Dad making my protien shakes everyday. Whether they staid down or not, it still helped a little.

After emptying my stomach, I groaned and leaned up against the bathtub. This is not how I wanted to keep living my life, no matter how long I had left. I wasn't going to survive this, that much was a given. I'd rather have a good quality of life, no matter how long I had. If I only had a few months or a few years left, I didn't want to keep suffering through it. I wanted to make the best of it.

I walked downstairs to find Suzy outside playing with Kenna. "Hey, Mom," I said, getting her attention. "I'm going to call everyone over, I want to talk to all of you at the same time." Her face suddenly grew dark, fearing what I possibly wanted to talk about.