If I Die Young

As I lay in my bed, I heard a soft knock on my door, before someone walked in. I didn't bother picking my head up to turn and see who it was, because I honestly didn't have the energy. The pounding in my head was relentless, and I just wanted sleep to consume me.

"Soph..." Johnny said softly, as I felt the bed sink.

"If you've come to argue with me, or tell me how selfish I am, I don't want to hear it, Johnny. I'm really not in the mood."

He sighed, before laying next to me, and wrapping his arms around me from behind. "I didn't come up here for any of that, Soph... All I wanted to say was I hope you know how much I care about you... And I will continue to be here for you, no matter what your decision is."

My heart ached, as a fresh wave of tears came to my eyes. I slowly rolled over, as he laid on his back so I could lay my head on his chest. I swear, we were so in sync with each other, it was scary at times. He didn't say anything as he ran his fingers through my hair and played with my hand.

"I really hope everyone knows that I'm not trying to hurt them... I just wish everyone would understand how much pain I've been going through. And, no matter how morbid it sounds, I know my body and I know that it isn't going to survive this. No matter how hard I try to fight it, no matter what I do to try and stop it... It's all going to be in vain," I whispered, shrugging my shoulders.

He was quiet for a few moments, before he spoke again. "No one can tell you that what you feel is wrong, Soph. You are the only one that knows your body. Hell, no one can even argue with the reports you got from your doctor... But you can't blame any of us for not wanting to believe it." His voice was strained and I could tell he was trying to hide the tears. "I just don't want to see you suffering anymore..."

I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling the pain in my chest becoming even worse. All I could think about was how selfish I was being... He had his whole life ahead of him, and he shouldn't put it on hold because of me. He obviously wasn't going to be able to have any future with me, so why drag him down with me?

Taking a deep breath, I sat up and ran my fingers through my hair. "Johnny..." I started off, and he just gave me a confused look. "I think you should go..." I finally found the courage to whisper those words.

"What are you talking about?" He asked, sitting up and trying to look into my eyes. I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eyes, because I would just back out on my decision. "Soph-" he tried reaching for me, but I quickly stood up, trying to keep as much distance between the two of us.

"This isn't fair to you, Johnny... I can't expect you to go through all of this with me," I muttered, wrapping my arms around my waist.

"What are you talking about?" He asked, also standing up from the bed.

"It's not just about everything going on with me health wise," I said, shaking my head, something else suddenly taking over my mind. "I mean, who are we kidding? It's not like this would ever work.." I said, starting to ramble.

"Soph, where is all of this coming from?" He asked, finally getting close enough to me to take my hands into his.

"Johnny, why don't you get it?!" I groaned, throwing my hands up in the air. "You're this big rockstar, and I'm just trying to pass AP English..." Not to mention I'm dieing... I shook my head, not being able to stop the tears.

He had the most hurt look that I have ever seen on his face. He didn't bother to try to hide the few tears that managed to escape from his eyes. "I'm sorry you feel that way... I thought what we were starting was something much more than all of that." He ran his fingers through his hair as he took a deep breath. "I know we weren't anything close to being serious with our relationship, but that doesn't mean that I don't care about you oustide of this relationship... I just can't understand why you're all of a sudden pushing me away."

"You don't need to be dragged down with me, Johnny..." I whispered, taking a step back from him.

He finally got the message, and slowly walked to my door. With one final look at me, he stepped out of my room, not bothering to close the door behind him.

With a choked sob, I fell to the floor in a blubbering mess. I didn't want to push Johnny away, but I was tired of hurting all of the people around me... I knew from here on out, it wasn't going to get any easier. I knew it wasn't going to be pretty, and I honestly didn't want to be that emotionally attached to Johnny, because I knew it would only make everything that much harder. Call me a coward, but I honestly felt that I was doing what was best for me...

A few minutes later, I heard footsteps coming towards my room. I didn't bother to look up to see who it was, because I honestly didn't have the energy. "Oh, Sweeite," I heard Val whisper, as she dropped to her knees and pulled me into her arms. "It's going to be okay," she said, rocking us back and forth.

"But it's not, Val," I cried, holding onto her even harder. "I'm hurting everyone I care about because I'm being selfish. I can't help but be selfish because it just hurts so much... I can't be strong for everyone else, because I can't even be strong for myself."

"Soph, you don't need to be strong for anyone but yourself. Everyone else needs to be strong for you, and we will. We're going to help you through this, whatever your decision may be. Your dad and Brian are obviously going to be upset, because they don't want to lose you... None of us do... But you know in the end, they are going to be by your side through everything. Just let this news sink in for them, and they will stay strong for you."

All I could do was hold onto her and cry my heart out. I had been keeping everything for far too long, and I needed this weight to be lifted off of my chest.