If I Die Young

The days that followed after me telling everyone my desicion was pretty difficult. I hadn't seen or heard from Brian since he stormed out. Dad kept himself locked in his office. Whenever Suzy saw me, she would instantly have tears in her eyes. Every so often Jimmy or Val would stop by to check up on me.

I had actually been clinging onto Val these last few days. She was the big sister that I had never had... Every day I would ask her about Johnny, and she would give me the same answer. I don't know. I guess he had basically dropped off the face of the earth...

Today was another day that she had come to visit me, and climbed into bed with me. I had finally stopped crying and moping around yesterday afternoon. I know I was the one who made the decision to basically die, but I was hurting because I was hurting all the people around me that cared about me. The guilt was slowly gnawing away at me, and I didn't think I was going to be able to handle it...

That's when I had suddenly had an epiphany.

"Val..." I said, sitting up against my head board.

"Yeah, Sweetie?" She asked, sitting up with me.

It took me a few minutes to figure out how I was going to say my thoughts. "I don't want to stay like this..." She simply gave me a confused look. "I don't want to sit around and wait for the inevitable, day after day," I clarified. "I want to live whatever life I have left. I want to experience and do things that I've never done, and things that I'll never be able to do after..." I trailed off, but she got the idea.

She seemed taken off guard for a minute, but then nodded. "Okay... We can do that."

"I just don't want to keep laying around and being depressed. I want to be strong for everyone, because maybe if they see me having a good time, it will distract them from everything."

She looked at me and gave me a soft smile. "I understand where you're coming from, Soph and there's nothing wrong with that. I think that it could maybe do you some good, along with everyone else."

"I don't want to go back to school." I suddenly blurted out. She looked at me with wide eyes, not knowing what to say. "I don't want everyone to look at me like some freak. Half of them do that already, because they know I have cancer... So what's the point? It's not like I'm going to need it to have a... Future..."

"It's your choice, Soph," she said, shrugging her shoulders. "And you know your dad will stand behind you one-hundred percent if that's what you want to do."

My heart ached thinking about my father. "I feel so shitty... He's hurting so bad right now, and it's all because of me... I don't know how to pull him out of it."

"Go with your plan," she said, giving me a reassuring smile. "I'm sure once he sees you happy, it will be hard for him not to catch your contageous smile."

Suddenly her phone went off, signaling a call. I watched her facial expressions as she spoke to whoever was on the other line. "It's okay, Chelle we'll figure this all out," Val sighed, trying to calm her twin down. In that instant I felt even worse, knowing it had to do with something with my brother.

I stood up from my bed, and went to go get dressed. By the time I got back, Val was off the phone. "Let's go," I said, grabbing my shoes.

"Where are we going?" She asked, confused.

"To see my brother," I said, walking down the stairs. "If he won't come to see me, then I'll just go to him."

Twenty minutes later, we were pulling into my brother and Michelle's driveway. I walked into the house, Val right behind me, as we surveyed the damage...

Brian was a mess sitting on the living room couch, as beer bottles and a bottle of Jack surrounding him. He stared off into nothing as the t.v. played a random show. Michelle looked like a wreck as she watched him, not knowing what to do.

An unkown fire lit in me as I walked over to my brother and grabbed the bottle out of his hands. "Soph?" He asked, surprised to see me. I simply ignored him as I walked to the kitchen, knowing he would follow right behind me. "What are you doing here?"

"This needs to end," I said, dumping the contents of the bottle down the drain. He didn't even flinch at my actions, still fixated on the fact that I was here. "I know I made a decision that affects all of my loved ones. But just because I'm dieing, doesn't mean that you have to also," I said, crossing my arms over my chest. He flinched at the word dieing, but it was the raw truth that he needed to hear.

"Soph... I..." Fresh tears started to roll down his cheeks, and my walls crumbled. I quickly walked over to him and wrapped him in my arms. He burried his face into my hair and clung onto me for dear life.

"I know this is really hard for you, Bri and I don't blame you for being so upset... It was a really hard decision for me to make, but I hope that in time you'll be able to see why I am doing this..."

"The fact of knowing that one day I'm going to lose you, eats away at me..." He sobbed.

"I don't want you to focus on that though, Bri. I want you to focus on the time that we have now, and I want to make the best of the time that I have left." I pulled away from him and made him look at me. "I don't want to live the rest of my days in despare and agony... I want to live my life to the fullest, and I'm going to need your help, and the guys' help also."

He shook his head, looking me over as if he was trying to figure a way to turn everything around... "Soph..."

"No," I said, stopping him and shaking my head. "If you love me, you will help me. This is my only wish; to live my life to the fullest and to be surrounded by my family and friends."

Sighing heavily, he simply nodded his head. "I'll try my best."

I smiled, giving him a hug and kiss on the cheek. "That's all I ask of you." After a few more minutes of him holding me, I pulled back to look at the three of them. "Now, can we have a barbeque here tonight? Everyone needs to get together, forget about what's going on, and just have fun."

"Are you sure, Soph? I mean-" I held my hand to cut my brother off.

"What did I just finish saying, Bri?" I asked, putting my hands on my hips. "I'm tired of this. I'm tired of the saddness and the dark cloud that has started to consume everyone. It needs to end. We know what's going to happen, and acting like this is not going to change a god damn thing!" I said, stomping my foot like a two year old. I was fed up and angry inside. I was angry with myself for hurting everyone. And I was even more upset that even when I tried to make an effort to get their minds off of things, they didn't want to listen. They didn't want to listen to me with anything that I had to say right now...

"It's okay, Soph," Val said, wrapping her arm around my shoulders. "Brian, it's time to start listening to your sister. She's not asking much, if you would just listen to her. She wants everyone to be happy and not dwell on things."

Brian simply nodded his head, before wrapping me in another hug. "I'll start getting things together."

"Bri..." I said, stopping him. "I'm going to need some help with Dad..."