My Life Unplanned

“You want to love me, but you can’t. I don’t deserve your love. I’m so afraid that when you peel away my mask, you won’t like what you see. I’m afraid that when you see who I really am, you are going to run. I’m afraid of losing the one person who’s loved me in a long time. So I can’t let you love me. Not now. Not ever.

“Please, don’t touch me again.” With this, I took the knife that was my words and stabbed the sharpest end into the soft flesh of Mrs. Haven’s open heart.

“Rosalind…” I winced at the quaver in her words, but I could not bring myself to speak. Shamefully, I turned my eyes away so I would not see her resilience crumble.

Mrs. Haven sucked in a deep breath to calm herself. Begrudgingly slow, her open arms fell limp and a frown puckered her pretty features. Like a poison, the aggravating guilt stabbed its teeth into my heart. Even with this monster hunkering over my vulnerable soul, I remained silent.

With some determination, Mrs. Haven tried to pry my crossed arms apart as one last kind attempt. I retracted a step backward before she could. I couldn’t meet her eyes, but I hoped dearly she understood. She cringed at my silent rejection.

“I’m sorry if I offended you.” She whispered menacingly. I floundered for the right words, but I had nothing to say. I was too afraid. The tension between us stretched as tight as a piano wire as she glared at me, waiting for some kind of excuse. I couldn’t speak over the bulge in my throat.

I tried to meet her eyes. There I hoped to find some last bit of patience, something inside her that understood my hesitance. I failed in my quest.

“Fine Rosalind,” Mrs. Haven hissed, narrowing her eyes. “If you don’t want...I will never touch you.”

I cowered downward and she turned away, letting me drown in my own silence. I swallowed the lump in my throat, but nothing calmed my anxiety. I began to grow weak as she fiddled with the locks to the door.

Nausea overcame me like a persistent ocean wave. It pushed me sideways and blurred my mind so I couldn’t think straight. I clutched the banister for support as my eyes fluttered; Mrs. Haven never noticed my waver.

The lock clicked, shattering my thoughts. “Come inside.” Mrs. Haven growled as she pushed the door gradually open. The ancient hinges moaned in pain, as if they had never been used. I cleared my throat and stood on two flat feet.

“Gerard needs to fix these.” Mrs. Haven muttered in contempt, eyeing the brass hinges. She kicked one with her boot and it immediately swung off the door. She clicked her tongue in disgust then turned to me with a twisted smile.

“Come inside, Rosalind.” Mrs. Haven snatched my hand from my side and before I could find my breath, we were swallowed by the hideous monster who consumed us with darkness. We both grew very quiet, so quiet I could hear our breathing.

I whimpered like an animal and clung to Mrs. Haven but she was already moving forward. She threw her arms into the open and her long fingers soon managed to flip on a light. The darkness scurried away.

I blinked at the change and when my weary eyes had adjusted, I began to look around. The entrance parted in three slender hallways. There was one to our left, one to our right, and one directly in front of us and each was toothed with a thousand monotonous boardroom doors. They seemed to never end.

Mrs. Haven tried to pull me down the first hallway, but it must have been difficult. My feet moved like lumps of clay. I fought to pull them along but each time I put one down, it demanded to stay there. I was petrified.

“Don’t be afraid.” Her soft whispers curled into my ears like drug smoke. “We don’t use these rooms, everyone is frightened of them.” For some reason I knew otherwise as the walls began to moan. I told myself it was only the weary wood we walked on.

I looked behind us at the trail of shadowy frames. I could no longer see the front of the house and the dark seemed to be creeping up on us like some terrifying stalker. Every step we took it followed us and grew larger and larger.

Ice shot through my veins. In a matter of seconds I lost feeling in the left side of my body, then the right. My eye lids fluttered like an old movie and Mrs. Haven faded in and out of focus, her terrified face featured with shadows.

She was saying something, but her words were muffled by the howls of the wind through my ears. My lips clipped numbly, yet I couldn’t speak. Unable to hold itself up any longer, my deadened body tumbled to the floor. A fiery pain ripped through my ribs causing me to exclaim. I felt a cold hand rub the sweltering skin on my face.

My vision blurred and turned to red film as the black silhouette transmogrified into a man. With pitiful dark eyes, his hands grazed my face and his lips moved, mouthing words I could not understand. Fear stole my sanity.

My instincts controlled my judgment and I began to scream until my throat grew sore and my vocal cords strained. Human touch instantly retracted from my body causing the wintery air to envelope me in a deathly embrace. I knew I had to protect myself and yet I couldn’t move. I couldn’t open my eyes.

Through my madness I heard my name being screeched by a voice I vaguely knew. Such a sweet voice morphed by terror into such disturbing violence.

In my head I imagined it my metaphor a strand of beautiful pearls, usually so elegant along a pearly neckline, being sliced by a sharp knife. Time seems to slow as each solitary ball drops into free fall, left uncared for to scatter into chaos among the floor.

Arms wrapped around my dull body and my limp head swung from my rubbery neck as I was lifted into the air. Panic ran through my veins like adrenaline and in a second I was in defensive mode, desperate to escape.

I kicked out my long and slender legs, still clothed in jeans, and managed to injure my attacker. My body stumbled to the floor unexpectedly and my side was once again struck against the hard floor. I cried out in pain, clutching the side of my stomach.

Sweat dribbled down my brow and I had no other thought than to escape. I reached out my free hand to grasp the thick carpet and I pulled myself upward. I lifted the other to help myself along and blood stained my fingers. I sobbed aloud.

“Rosalind.” The water tunnel that had preoccupied my ears before had subdued to a quiet murmur and I was able to pick out the syllables of my name from the murmuring of the stranger. I glanced upward at the dark surrounding walls and my memory flooded back to me.

“You’re safe.” The voice told me solidly though I could not see the body it belonged to. Suddenly I was being enveloped by warmth and I recognized I was being held. I blinked several times until a body came into focus and panic caused me to vomit immediately onto this new body. The contact never broke.

I was lifted from the floor and before I could try to escape again and I felt a fist crash into the side of my skull. Black danced across my eyes and the last thing I saw before I plunged into darkness was a pair of creamy blue eyes telling me I was safe.