Status: Growing
My Life Unplanned
God Loves You
Beep...beep...beep
The repugnant burping of some machine awoke me from my sleep and my eyelids crawled upward slowly making me wince as a harsh light shone on my face, nearly blinding me.
I raised my hand instinctively to block out the artificial sun when I felt something tug on my arm so I couldn’t pull it up. I stared down at my hand, at the tiny tube sticking out from the crease of my elbow and my mouth popped open like a pez dispenser.
It was an I.V. I hated I.V’s! Some stupid human being put this awful piece of probably unclean metal into my arm and was now injecting me with some strange liquid. They are feeding me drugs, without my compliance, heck it could be a poison for all I know. It’s not like the doctors tell you every time.
They hadn’t told me anything this time. Where were the doctors? Suddenly I felt my stomach curl unnaturally and I clutched it, my forehead beading in sweat. I struggled to compose myself, breathing in and out as the nervousness swept over me like wind chill. I was alone…desperately alone.
I closed my eyes, but it didn’t matter; it was too dark to see through the shanty light shed on me by the streetlamp overhead. It was the light that had illuminated everything that had happened to me in the last few hours. I wished it would have diminished itself. I didn’t want to see anything.
I curled my body tightly, trying to hold it together, but I failed. I couldn’t stop the shaking, the tremors, no matter how much I tried I still shook and sobbed. Tears bathed my face and my lips and teeth shook, I could hardly breath. I just wanted to shut myself away from everything.
My eyes snapped open once more and I felt heat waves pass through my body. I wiped my forehead apprehensively skirting my eyes about the room. There was still no one there, why was there no one there?
Panic built inside me and I felt my heart pang with the need for someone to be here by me, someone to hold me and shut away all my bad memories. I wanted for someone’s love like a small child would cling to its mother. I could hardly focus on anything other than that want.
Beep...beep...beep
I studied the maddening noise, the deep blips of the machine beside me, proving I was still alive. The beating had increased, but I was alive. I was safe. I nodded my head, grinding my teeth into my lip as I opened my lips, forming the noises the machine made. “Beep, beep, beep.” I whispered to calm myself and my breathing.
It worked…just barely.
Suddenly a loud creak broke my train of thought and my head snapped to the door where my doctor was frozen still. His lips were a sharp knife blade, just a slash below his nose, void of any emotion. His eyes were pushed smaller by his brows, clenched together and he wouldn’t look at me. It was a look of pity.
I felt my eyes filled with tears and my throat bobbled. I wanted to say something. I wanted to ask him why he felt pity for me. I wanted to tell him not to, I was fine, nothing had happened. But I couldn’t because I would be lying. The image of last night lingered in like a stain on my mind and as much as I tried to scrub it away I knew it never would leave. I just had to forget, cover it up with something else, busy myself. So I put on a cheap plastic smile and the doctor’s pity only grew.
“Rosalind…how are you?” He whispered softly, striding across the room quickly to grasp my hand. I clenched my fingers into a fist from the touch and I tugged my arm away. Chills fled down my spine and I scooted away from him in the bed, my chin turned and I felt the tears pooling and falling down my face. I couldn’t control myself. I couldn’t let him touch me.
The doctor curled his fingers back into his chest, looking wounded. I almost laughed at his selfishness.
“My name is Doctor Forbs.” He informed me, his voice still soft as he pretended to be gentle with me. I felt the dread rise in me again as a flurry of thoughts ran through my mind. Did he know?
I stared into his brown eyes as if they would tell me, and I knew from that look he must have. A small sob escaped my lips and before I even could think I was crying into my hands with my knees pulled to my chest.
I couldn’t bare it. I couldn’t bear to have anyone know what had happened to me. If they did what would they think of me?
“Do you-u-u know?” I finally stuttered to the doctor, not looking at him. I tried my best to keep my composure by slamming my lips shut and I raised my eyes so he could see me hoping that would convince me to stop crying. My eyes were still full and they stung from the air hitting the water and I had to blink, forcing them to roll down my face. No more came and I was glad for that but my chin still shook.
“About what, Rosalind?” He asked me and I met his brown eyes, leaking fake concern.
“Call me Rosie.” I told him softly. “Just Rosie.” He nodded to this, looking away from me to scribble something on a notebook and I watched his face and how the sadness dripped off it like melted wax as he focused on something better to do than fake his sorrow towards me.
“Should I bring in your mother…Rosie?” He asked me and my fingers twined together as I stopped breathing momentarily. I thought the statement over, chewing it in my mind and finally I managed a quick nod without meeting the Doctor’s eyes.
He walked out of the room and finally I managed to breathe before my mother burst in like a wrecking ball slamming into the side of an old home. “Rosie!” She yelled, running towards me and she threw her arms around me enthusiastically, her voice drastically consumed with rapid emotions. “Oh my poor baby Rose, my poor darling, my sweet, sweet Rosie darling.” She cooed in my ear, kissing me all over. She was crying, wet tears trailed down her face and then onto mine as she sobbed in my ear, her voice soft and loving.
“The Lord shall preserve you from all evil; He shall preserve your soul…from this time forth, and even forevermore.” (Psalms 121) My mother whispered in my ear, rubbing my back softly and my tears stopped suddenly as I absorbed the words of God, nodding my head.
“I love you, my beautiful Rose, and God loves you.” She whispered to me, kissing my forehead and I closed my eyes before my broken tears could fall.
I felt empty, something I never felt before when I listened to God’s words, a feeling of loss of hope and faith. When my mother whispered those words it was as if she had said nothing. Hope did not fly into my mind like a peaceful bird, resting its claws over my outlook. I still stared at my mother with a raincloud cloaking me and I couldn’t help but judge her with anger and hatred.
If God loved me why would he let something like that happen to me? I wanted to scream, throw my mother away from me and her “comforting” words. I didn’t want her to touch me.
I curled away from my mother, twisting myself out of her embrace and she stared at me, her lips falling open slightly with hurt in her eyes. I looked away from her and fixed my gaze on the puke green drapes framing the dusty window. She said nothing and soon she was gone.
The repugnant burping of some machine awoke me from my sleep and my eyelids crawled upward slowly making me wince as a harsh light shone on my face, nearly blinding me.
I raised my hand instinctively to block out the artificial sun when I felt something tug on my arm so I couldn’t pull it up. I stared down at my hand, at the tiny tube sticking out from the crease of my elbow and my mouth popped open like a pez dispenser.
It was an I.V. I hated I.V’s! Some stupid human being put this awful piece of probably unclean metal into my arm and was now injecting me with some strange liquid. They are feeding me drugs, without my compliance, heck it could be a poison for all I know. It’s not like the doctors tell you every time.
They hadn’t told me anything this time. Where were the doctors? Suddenly I felt my stomach curl unnaturally and I clutched it, my forehead beading in sweat. I struggled to compose myself, breathing in and out as the nervousness swept over me like wind chill. I was alone…desperately alone.
I closed my eyes, but it didn’t matter; it was too dark to see through the shanty light shed on me by the streetlamp overhead. It was the light that had illuminated everything that had happened to me in the last few hours. I wished it would have diminished itself. I didn’t want to see anything.
I curled my body tightly, trying to hold it together, but I failed. I couldn’t stop the shaking, the tremors, no matter how much I tried I still shook and sobbed. Tears bathed my face and my lips and teeth shook, I could hardly breath. I just wanted to shut myself away from everything.
My eyes snapped open once more and I felt heat waves pass through my body. I wiped my forehead apprehensively skirting my eyes about the room. There was still no one there, why was there no one there?
Panic built inside me and I felt my heart pang with the need for someone to be here by me, someone to hold me and shut away all my bad memories. I wanted for someone’s love like a small child would cling to its mother. I could hardly focus on anything other than that want.
Beep...beep...beep
I studied the maddening noise, the deep blips of the machine beside me, proving I was still alive. The beating had increased, but I was alive. I was safe. I nodded my head, grinding my teeth into my lip as I opened my lips, forming the noises the machine made. “Beep, beep, beep.” I whispered to calm myself and my breathing.
It worked…just barely.
Suddenly a loud creak broke my train of thought and my head snapped to the door where my doctor was frozen still. His lips were a sharp knife blade, just a slash below his nose, void of any emotion. His eyes were pushed smaller by his brows, clenched together and he wouldn’t look at me. It was a look of pity.
I felt my eyes filled with tears and my throat bobbled. I wanted to say something. I wanted to ask him why he felt pity for me. I wanted to tell him not to, I was fine, nothing had happened. But I couldn’t because I would be lying. The image of last night lingered in like a stain on my mind and as much as I tried to scrub it away I knew it never would leave. I just had to forget, cover it up with something else, busy myself. So I put on a cheap plastic smile and the doctor’s pity only grew.
“Rosalind…how are you?” He whispered softly, striding across the room quickly to grasp my hand. I clenched my fingers into a fist from the touch and I tugged my arm away. Chills fled down my spine and I scooted away from him in the bed, my chin turned and I felt the tears pooling and falling down my face. I couldn’t control myself. I couldn’t let him touch me.
The doctor curled his fingers back into his chest, looking wounded. I almost laughed at his selfishness.
“My name is Doctor Forbs.” He informed me, his voice still soft as he pretended to be gentle with me. I felt the dread rise in me again as a flurry of thoughts ran through my mind. Did he know?
I stared into his brown eyes as if they would tell me, and I knew from that look he must have. A small sob escaped my lips and before I even could think I was crying into my hands with my knees pulled to my chest.
I couldn’t bare it. I couldn’t bear to have anyone know what had happened to me. If they did what would they think of me?
“Do you-u-u know?” I finally stuttered to the doctor, not looking at him. I tried my best to keep my composure by slamming my lips shut and I raised my eyes so he could see me hoping that would convince me to stop crying. My eyes were still full and they stung from the air hitting the water and I had to blink, forcing them to roll down my face. No more came and I was glad for that but my chin still shook.
“About what, Rosalind?” He asked me and I met his brown eyes, leaking fake concern.
“Call me Rosie.” I told him softly. “Just Rosie.” He nodded to this, looking away from me to scribble something on a notebook and I watched his face and how the sadness dripped off it like melted wax as he focused on something better to do than fake his sorrow towards me.
“Should I bring in your mother…Rosie?” He asked me and my fingers twined together as I stopped breathing momentarily. I thought the statement over, chewing it in my mind and finally I managed a quick nod without meeting the Doctor’s eyes.
He walked out of the room and finally I managed to breathe before my mother burst in like a wrecking ball slamming into the side of an old home. “Rosie!” She yelled, running towards me and she threw her arms around me enthusiastically, her voice drastically consumed with rapid emotions. “Oh my poor baby Rose, my poor darling, my sweet, sweet Rosie darling.” She cooed in my ear, kissing me all over. She was crying, wet tears trailed down her face and then onto mine as she sobbed in my ear, her voice soft and loving.
“The Lord shall preserve you from all evil; He shall preserve your soul…from this time forth, and even forevermore.” (Psalms 121) My mother whispered in my ear, rubbing my back softly and my tears stopped suddenly as I absorbed the words of God, nodding my head.
“I love you, my beautiful Rose, and God loves you.” She whispered to me, kissing my forehead and I closed my eyes before my broken tears could fall.
I felt empty, something I never felt before when I listened to God’s words, a feeling of loss of hope and faith. When my mother whispered those words it was as if she had said nothing. Hope did not fly into my mind like a peaceful bird, resting its claws over my outlook. I still stared at my mother with a raincloud cloaking me and I couldn’t help but judge her with anger and hatred.
If God loved me why would he let something like that happen to me? I wanted to scream, throw my mother away from me and her “comforting” words. I didn’t want her to touch me.
I curled away from my mother, twisting myself out of her embrace and she stared at me, her lips falling open slightly with hurt in her eyes. I looked away from her and fixed my gaze on the puke green drapes framing the dusty window. She said nothing and soon she was gone.
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