Status: Growing
My Life Unplanned
Destroy This Evil Thing
Warning: Harsh Language, Religious references
SLAM! I jolted to a start, the pregnancy test falling from my lap, clattering across the floor noisily. I held my breath, hoping the noise was not heard downstairs but the walls were thin. In only a few seconds I could hear my mother bellow my name, her footsteps echoing through the house as she marched upstairs. In panic, I snatched up the pregnancy test shoving it in the trashcan under some toilet paper, before running out of the bathroom to my room.
My mother caught me in the hall, her hand clenched around her purse handle and she gave me a soft smile. I stilled myself, forcing a smile back and I pushed my hand through my hair nervously. Then I froze in horror. I actually looked like a human today; of course she would know I went out. I winced, waiting for the screaming but her smile only got bigger.
“You look pretty today, Rosie.” She whispered and she lifted her hand. My eyes widened in shock and I stood still, closing my eyes expecting her to hit me but I jolted when she rubbed her thumb on my cheek under my eye. “But you smeared your makeup.” She whispered, fixing it and I gaped at her as she smiled, catching me in a hug.
“I’m glad you’ve decided to do as I asked.” She told me gravely and my eyes glazed over with remembrance. She thought this was my silent compliance with her conditions, to forget this ever happened. She pushed me away from her chest, fixing her hair slightly as she watched me.
“That incident was terrible, Rosie, but that doesn’t mean we need to take action. As far as anyone knows, that girl that was under the park bench is still unidentified. It wasn’t you, ok sweetie? I feel bad for that poor girl, but you are not her!” Her words were strengthened by Christian faith, probably from my father and I could not help but cringe at how passionate she was about her words. How easily she could just ignore the truth.
“Mom, I can’t ignore it.” I whispered to her honestly, bowing my head expecting her words of anger and instead she was silent with deliberation and thought. I met her eyes once again and turned around before she could say anything, bending down to retrieve the pregnancy test from the floor.
I watched my fingers shaking as I grasped it in my fist, turning as I held it out to her. My mother kept her eyes on my face and did not take it. I shook the stick, my face snapping into hysteretic. “Mom…” I moaned, shoving the thing in her hand as my eyes watered. I closed them waiting for her to say something, to tell me it was ok and she laughed.
I opened my eyes and she dropped the stick. “Whatever happened is in the past.” She said still as if nothing happened and I stared at her perplexed. “What happened in the past doesn’t have to change your future, Rosie, we can fix this problem and then you be who you were before.” The words rolled off her tongue with such ease, a smile lining her lips.
I watched her curiously, wondering what she meant and my eyes fled down to the two pink lines on the test below our feet. I met her eyes again and she smiled wickedly, then it all made sense. “Abortion…” I whispered, my throat closed off entirely and her smile faltered slightly as she looked away.
“Rosalind, do not use that nasty word.” She hissed and I pressed my lips together. “What happened to you was terrible, and those men defied the lord in their acts but the good Christians do not have to be punished for their mistake. Did you think about what this would do to us, to our family, to your father? He would be the father to Satan; he wouldn’t be able to be a priest. Let us commence and thank the lord for your life, Rosalind, and let us punish those awful sinners by killing their demon children. We can do a great thing here, this is no mistake.” Her words were twisted, her eyes alighted with a foul shine, and as she spoke shiver after shiver fled through me making me clutch my stomach. I felt like I was going to be sick again.
“MOM!” I screamed interrupting her tantrum, my eyes wide and wet. Tears suddenly pooled over, bathing my face and my whole body began to shake. I ran to the bathroom, up heaving once more into the toilet. I clutched the edge of the bowl, reaching for the mouthwash when my mother slapped it from my hand, making it poor all over the floor and my rug.
I stared up at her with wide eyes and she was shaking with rage. “What Rosalind, WHAT!” She screeched and my fingers trembled as I twisted them together, wiping them off on the towel as I wiped my mouth.
I pulled back, terrified, against the door, drawing my knees to myself and she bent down, grasping my arm as she pulled me to my feet. “Give me some respect and stand when you speak to me….or have you changed so much you are no longer a decent human being?” She spit in my face.
I felt my tears dribble down my chin and my mother growled. “Stop sniveling you little brat and tell me what you wanted to say!” She growled, her voice consumed with hatred and I looked down, my whole body trembling from sickness and fear.
“Mom, I can’t have an abortion.” My mother slapped me. I spit out the vomit still in my mouth and my cheek stung, she hit right where the cut had already been in the exact spot where those men had beat me with sticks they had torn from the trees to weaken me so they could tear me apart. I felt my whole soul shatter.
“This is not an abortion!” She screeched, her voice consumed by anger and passion. We are killing the demon’s sperm; we are killing what will be a demented child. If you have this baby, you will be the mother to Satan’s son. You will be giving birth to Jesus’s enemy. Do you want to bring that kind of person into this world, Rosalind? God loves you, I love you, and your father loves you. Let us take our love and diminish the evil that is inside you.”
I couldn’t breathe, I clutched my stomach sobbing and my mother tore my hands away. “Don’t love it.” She hissed. “Don’t touch it!” I glared at her and wiped my tears away, choking them down.
“I won’t kill my baby.” I told her fiercely, finding some power in rebelling against her ridiculous notions. “This is my baby, MINE! You can’t kill my baby, mom; you can’t make me kill it. No matter how it got here, it’s mine now, and I have to protect it.” She slapped me again.
“The wicked are estranged from the womb; they go astray as soon as they are born, speaking lies…Let them be like a still born child of a woman, that they may not see the sun…The righteous shall rejoice when he sees the vengeance; He shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked. (Psalm 59: 3-10)” My mother barked and I let out a cry of hatred for her.
“This baby is not wicked, it is mine. IT’S MY BABY, YOUR GRANDCHILD!” I paused, letting my own words sink in and she still stared at me with rage. “Mom, please, forgives me and let me keep this baby. You have cast me off; you have broken me down; you have been displeased…you have made the earth tremble; you have broken it; heal its breaches, for it is shaking! (Psalms 6: 1-2) I cried out the bible verse with a fierce pride, hoping that she see what a huge mistake she was making, but she didn’t.
My mother grasped my arm, yanking me into my room. She threw me on the bed and screamed at me, demanding that I remove my clothes so I can be whipped, so that she could teach me the lesson I could not understand.
“Break their teeth in their mouth, Oh God! Break out the fangs of the young lions!” (Psalms 42:5)
She whipped me for the next hour, something she had never done before in my life and when she was finished, she dropped the belt leaving me wounded and bleeding much like that night when this baby was created almost a month ago.
“When you speak to me again, I hope you will have some sense or did the devil weave it all out of you?” She paused, gritting her teeth and I buried my face into my sheets, curling my fists angrily as my body shook with tears.
“You have three days to make you final decision. You will destroy this evil thing the Devil has forced upon you, or you will no longer be a daughter of mine.” She paused to let her words sink in and I held my breath as total terror swept over me. “If you have chosen to defy the Lord and those who have created you, you will be banished from every love you have ever had. I will cast you to the streets with the hand of righteousness because God will never love someone who has willingly accepted evil into herself. I hope you make the right decision, Rosalind, but if you do not you will pay for it in this life and the next as you burn for an eternity in Hell.” With that my mother slammed the door leaving me with nothing more than a broken soul.
SLAM! I jolted to a start, the pregnancy test falling from my lap, clattering across the floor noisily. I held my breath, hoping the noise was not heard downstairs but the walls were thin. In only a few seconds I could hear my mother bellow my name, her footsteps echoing through the house as she marched upstairs. In panic, I snatched up the pregnancy test shoving it in the trashcan under some toilet paper, before running out of the bathroom to my room.
My mother caught me in the hall, her hand clenched around her purse handle and she gave me a soft smile. I stilled myself, forcing a smile back and I pushed my hand through my hair nervously. Then I froze in horror. I actually looked like a human today; of course she would know I went out. I winced, waiting for the screaming but her smile only got bigger.
“You look pretty today, Rosie.” She whispered and she lifted her hand. My eyes widened in shock and I stood still, closing my eyes expecting her to hit me but I jolted when she rubbed her thumb on my cheek under my eye. “But you smeared your makeup.” She whispered, fixing it and I gaped at her as she smiled, catching me in a hug.
“I’m glad you’ve decided to do as I asked.” She told me gravely and my eyes glazed over with remembrance. She thought this was my silent compliance with her conditions, to forget this ever happened. She pushed me away from her chest, fixing her hair slightly as she watched me.
“That incident was terrible, Rosie, but that doesn’t mean we need to take action. As far as anyone knows, that girl that was under the park bench is still unidentified. It wasn’t you, ok sweetie? I feel bad for that poor girl, but you are not her!” Her words were strengthened by Christian faith, probably from my father and I could not help but cringe at how passionate she was about her words. How easily she could just ignore the truth.
“Mom, I can’t ignore it.” I whispered to her honestly, bowing my head expecting her words of anger and instead she was silent with deliberation and thought. I met her eyes once again and turned around before she could say anything, bending down to retrieve the pregnancy test from the floor.
I watched my fingers shaking as I grasped it in my fist, turning as I held it out to her. My mother kept her eyes on my face and did not take it. I shook the stick, my face snapping into hysteretic. “Mom…” I moaned, shoving the thing in her hand as my eyes watered. I closed them waiting for her to say something, to tell me it was ok and she laughed.
I opened my eyes and she dropped the stick. “Whatever happened is in the past.” She said still as if nothing happened and I stared at her perplexed. “What happened in the past doesn’t have to change your future, Rosie, we can fix this problem and then you be who you were before.” The words rolled off her tongue with such ease, a smile lining her lips.
I watched her curiously, wondering what she meant and my eyes fled down to the two pink lines on the test below our feet. I met her eyes again and she smiled wickedly, then it all made sense. “Abortion…” I whispered, my throat closed off entirely and her smile faltered slightly as she looked away.
“Rosalind, do not use that nasty word.” She hissed and I pressed my lips together. “What happened to you was terrible, and those men defied the lord in their acts but the good Christians do not have to be punished for their mistake. Did you think about what this would do to us, to our family, to your father? He would be the father to Satan; he wouldn’t be able to be a priest. Let us commence and thank the lord for your life, Rosalind, and let us punish those awful sinners by killing their demon children. We can do a great thing here, this is no mistake.” Her words were twisted, her eyes alighted with a foul shine, and as she spoke shiver after shiver fled through me making me clutch my stomach. I felt like I was going to be sick again.
“MOM!” I screamed interrupting her tantrum, my eyes wide and wet. Tears suddenly pooled over, bathing my face and my whole body began to shake. I ran to the bathroom, up heaving once more into the toilet. I clutched the edge of the bowl, reaching for the mouthwash when my mother slapped it from my hand, making it poor all over the floor and my rug.
I stared up at her with wide eyes and she was shaking with rage. “What Rosalind, WHAT!” She screeched and my fingers trembled as I twisted them together, wiping them off on the towel as I wiped my mouth.
I pulled back, terrified, against the door, drawing my knees to myself and she bent down, grasping my arm as she pulled me to my feet. “Give me some respect and stand when you speak to me….or have you changed so much you are no longer a decent human being?” She spit in my face.
I felt my tears dribble down my chin and my mother growled. “Stop sniveling you little brat and tell me what you wanted to say!” She growled, her voice consumed with hatred and I looked down, my whole body trembling from sickness and fear.
“Mom, I can’t have an abortion.” My mother slapped me. I spit out the vomit still in my mouth and my cheek stung, she hit right where the cut had already been in the exact spot where those men had beat me with sticks they had torn from the trees to weaken me so they could tear me apart. I felt my whole soul shatter.
“This is not an abortion!” She screeched, her voice consumed by anger and passion. We are killing the demon’s sperm; we are killing what will be a demented child. If you have this baby, you will be the mother to Satan’s son. You will be giving birth to Jesus’s enemy. Do you want to bring that kind of person into this world, Rosalind? God loves you, I love you, and your father loves you. Let us take our love and diminish the evil that is inside you.”
I couldn’t breathe, I clutched my stomach sobbing and my mother tore my hands away. “Don’t love it.” She hissed. “Don’t touch it!” I glared at her and wiped my tears away, choking them down.
“I won’t kill my baby.” I told her fiercely, finding some power in rebelling against her ridiculous notions. “This is my baby, MINE! You can’t kill my baby, mom; you can’t make me kill it. No matter how it got here, it’s mine now, and I have to protect it.” She slapped me again.
“The wicked are estranged from the womb; they go astray as soon as they are born, speaking lies…Let them be like a still born child of a woman, that they may not see the sun…The righteous shall rejoice when he sees the vengeance; He shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked. (Psalm 59: 3-10)” My mother barked and I let out a cry of hatred for her.
“This baby is not wicked, it is mine. IT’S MY BABY, YOUR GRANDCHILD!” I paused, letting my own words sink in and she still stared at me with rage. “Mom, please, forgives me and let me keep this baby. You have cast me off; you have broken me down; you have been displeased…you have made the earth tremble; you have broken it; heal its breaches, for it is shaking! (Psalms 6: 1-2) I cried out the bible verse with a fierce pride, hoping that she see what a huge mistake she was making, but she didn’t.
My mother grasped my arm, yanking me into my room. She threw me on the bed and screamed at me, demanding that I remove my clothes so I can be whipped, so that she could teach me the lesson I could not understand.
“Break their teeth in their mouth, Oh God! Break out the fangs of the young lions!” (Psalms 42:5)
She whipped me for the next hour, something she had never done before in my life and when she was finished, she dropped the belt leaving me wounded and bleeding much like that night when this baby was created almost a month ago.
“When you speak to me again, I hope you will have some sense or did the devil weave it all out of you?” She paused, gritting her teeth and I buried my face into my sheets, curling my fists angrily as my body shook with tears.
“You have three days to make you final decision. You will destroy this evil thing the Devil has forced upon you, or you will no longer be a daughter of mine.” She paused to let her words sink in and I held my breath as total terror swept over me. “If you have chosen to defy the Lord and those who have created you, you will be banished from every love you have ever had. I will cast you to the streets with the hand of righteousness because God will never love someone who has willingly accepted evil into herself. I hope you make the right decision, Rosalind, but if you do not you will pay for it in this life and the next as you burn for an eternity in Hell.” With that my mother slammed the door leaving me with nothing more than a broken soul.
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This was a really epic chapter for me to write...and very saddening.COMMENT/SUBSCRIBE