If Only They Knew

I remember the first day of Kindergarten, sitting on the ground with 15 or so other five year olds listening to the teacher, an old woman that looked way too happy all the time. The classroom smelled the apple juice and plastic, and there were bright colored posters everywhere of the alphabet, numbers, animals, colors. On the shelves there were things like Lego blocks, and puzzles and other toys. There were little square tables scattered across the room, facing the chalk board that had the teachers name written on it, and "Welcome To Kindergarten!" written in some fancy writing that no one could read. Thinking back, it was hard to think such a harmless environment seemed to terrifying, but it sure as hell did.

Then, we got assigned our "table partners" and sat down. My table partner was a girl, much to my dismay. She had long red hair trailing down her back. Her eyes were bright green, and light freckles across the bridge of her nose and cheek bones. She was wearing a big, baggy sweater that it looked like she was drowning in, and had a pink backpack with kittens on it draped over her shoulder.

We were instructed to introduce ourselves. The girl wouldn't even look at me, so I figured I'd go first. "My name is Nick." I said quietly. She glanced up at me for a moment, then looked away again.

"I'm Katelyn."

And then, we didn't say another word to each other.

Finally, it was time to eat our snacks, which, I admit I had been waiting for the whole time. I pulled a juice box and bag of animal crackers from my back and put them on the table.

I heard a sniffle beside me, and looked over.

Katelyn was crying.

I noticed she didn't have a snack in front of her, and wondered if maybe she forget her's and was really sad about it, but thinking about it a little more, a lot of kids didn't have snacks. They weren't crying about it. Maybe someone died or something. I had no idea. I just watched her sob and shake. She kept wiping her eyes on the sleeve of her sweater and trying to hide whenever the teacher came relatively close.

I was sort of scared. I mean, I didn't know the girl at all, but she was still having a breakdown on the first day of kindergarten. I didn't want her to cry, or be sad or anything, but it didn't really seem like there was anything I could do.

So, I used all I had at my disposal.

I slid my bag of animal crackers across the table to her, poking her so she'd look.

She glanced down at the animal crackers, blink her huge green eyes a few times, then look at me. I just smiled at her, and she shyly smiled back, and opened the bag, sliding a few animal crackers over to me too.

And basically, that's how I met my best friend.

--

Through primary school, elementary school, middle school, and high school, Katelyn was my best friend. She came over to my house and made Lego spaceships with me, and ate macaroni and cheese, and as we got older, she always kicked my ass at video games somehow. She tried to teach me how to skateboard, which wasn't successful because she couldn't skateboard either. She rolled her eyes at the girls I liked, and I threatened to be up the guys she liked. I would stay over at her house and we would watch horror movies all night and get scared shitless when her parents came in in the morning to offer us breakfast. She was my best friend, and I was her best friend. In fact, I was her only friend.

Katelyn was extremely shy. She could hardly even talk to teachers about assignments and things like that. I was really the only person she could talk too. In fact, a lot of people didn't even know her name. They just referred to her as that mute chick who hung out with Nick a lot. She wasn't hated, she wasn't loved, in fact, she was hardly there. No one really noticed her, and that was the way she liked it.

She didn't need that girl friend that she could gush her secrets too, because I was that person as much as I didn't like it sometimes. I stayed on the phone with her all night while she talked about the popular guy who didn't know she existed and how she liked him, and I offered advice when I knew that she could do better. She was there for me for everything and anything, too. She supported me no matter what, and whenever I did something stupid, or anything, she was behind me, watching carefully. I was her shoulder to cry on. When her brother got in a car accident when we were eleven, I was at the hospital with her. I was the one holding her hand at his funeral, too.

We loved each other, completely, totally, unconditionally. Nothing more, nothing less. At least, for a while it was like that, that is.

Then, I went away for the summer before our last year of high school. We made plans to meet up at the top of a hill, at a picnic table at one of the parks that was a somewhere in the middle of our two houses the day I got back. Coincidentally, that day was the anniversary of the day we met all those years ago. I realized that while trudging up the hill, staring down at the grass. The air was cold, and the sky was gray and the wind whipped my hair around. It wasn't a nice day at all, but I didn't mind. I was going to see Katelyn after two months without her, and that was the best thing of the whole summer. I finally looked up from from staring at the ground, and saw her there, sitting at the picnic table, with her long orange hair up in a ponytail. Her back was facing me, but she was looking up at the sky, and I saw her gorgeous profile, and I don't know what it was, maybe it had been the distance between us over the summer, or maybe it was the air, or the day on the calender, but I thought she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

I sat down beside her, just looking at her, trying to place what I was feeling.

"Nick!" She threw her arms around me. "I missed you so much."

I realized then, that she had the sweetest voice I had ever heard in my entire life, and when she looked at me with her green eyes, the gray sky didn't seem so gray anymore. She just... lit everything up.

I was just lost in her for some reason, realizing all these things I knew all along but never bothered exploring. I was amazed. Simply amazed.

All I could do to show it was lean in and kiss her.

--

And just like that, my best friend became my girlfriend. Things were pretty different after that, but the same in a way. I walked her to all her classes, holding her hand, kissing her cheek in the doorway, spending everyday with her. I bought her flowers when she was feeling sad, and sometimes, just to see her smile. She still kicked my ass at video games, and we still watched horror movies all night. We still stayed up late talking on the phone, and we still told each other we loved each other everyday, but it meant something different. It was amazing. I was so fucking in love I didn't know what to do with myself sometimes.

I remember when we told our parents we were together, and they weren't surprised at all. All they did was smile, and say things like "About time", and "We knew it all along". We even went to the cemetery and announced the news to her brother.

I remember the first time we made love. She was so scared she was shaking, and I was sort of scared too, in all honesty, but I acted like I wasn't at all. I remember her laying down and trying to cover herself with her hands, and I kissed every part of her, every freckle, curve, scar, everything, and I made sure she wasn't scared anymore.

We were together for a long time. Years. It didn't seem like anything in the entire world would ever break us up. We were... invincible.

Then, what was unbreakable, broke.

We were laying on her couch in the dark, watching a blank TV screen. The movie we had been watching was over for awhile, and we didn't really talk, or kiss, or anything. We just lay there, cuddling. I was running my fingers through her red hair, when she turned and looked at me, her pink lips turned into a frown.

"You okay, Nick?"

I nodded, and smiled a half-hearted smile. "I'm fine."

She rested her head on the couch, so I was looking down at her, and she was looking up at me. "Whatcha thinking about? Music again?"

I shrugged.

"Is something bothering you? You aren't acting... normal."

Again, I shrugged.

"Nick Santino!" She punched me in the chest. "What's going on with you! C'mon, Nick, spill!"

"I'm leaving." I blurted out.

And, it was the truth. I explained to her, as she just stared at me with her big green eyes, and I just watched as they filled with tears, and I told her about the tour. How I was leaving for a while, how music was the forefront of my life right now. How I loved her, how we'd make it through this. How nothing could break us, because she was my girl. Distance didn't mean shit. Nothing would end us.

But then, it did end us. Without warning, or reason, it was just... over.

I went on tour, and I called her everyday, and I would tell her about the concert I played that night and how I looked out into the audience of people singing the songs I had sung to her every night before she fell asleep, and how I swear to god sometimes I thought she was in the crowd smiling up at me, and how I fell asleep at night missing her. How when I got home, I'd sure as hell bring some animal crackers just like old times. She told me about college, and her new job, and her new friends, and it was all painful. Almost every phone conversation ended in her in tears, begging me to come home, or me accusing her of cheating on me with one of these college guys she kept talking about. One day, she just stopped answering, and then a little while later, I just stopped calling.

And that was it. The end. Happy ever after.

It blew my mind how my best friend since kindergarten was just gone. How we lost contact because it just hurt too much. I lost my girlfriend, the person I loved more than anything in this entire world. We had so much. We had everything, and just a few months receded it to nothing. I couldn't figure it out.

But, when I got back home from tour, and the first thing I did was run to her house, and pound furiously on the door, I did not expect her mother to answer. I didn't expect her mother to tell me she moved away.

When I called her new cellphone, she didn't answer. When I called her apartment, it went to answering machine. That was okay, though. I got to her voice for a few seconds, even though all it said was "Hi! This is Katelyn. I can't make it to the phone right now but leave me a message and I'll get right back to you. Bye!"

I didn't leave a message. I figured if she wanted to talk to me, she'd make an effort.

And that was that.

--

Time passed, and September rolled around again, the time when we first met, and, strangely enough, when we broke up, and all I could do was think about her. I was sitting at home, and Eric was with me just for a few hours before he went back to visit his parents. I was in my old room from way back when, and it was sort of weird seeing everything. The walls were literally covered in photos of Katelyn and I. I sat there and stared at them, my eye catching the one of us one of our first dates at the amusement park. I was making a stupid face and she was smiling nervously. I smiled, and took my picture from my wall, holding it in my hand, examining every detail of it.

I missed her.

It had been a long time, but I missed her. A lot.

"Dude, stop the nostalgia trip." Eric said, snapping me out of my trance.

"Oh. Uh. Yeah. Alright."

We talked and shit after that, talking about stupid stories from the last tour and good times and things we did that we would take back, and then, he had to leave. I had picked him up, and therefor, I had to drive him back to his place before he could go see his parents. Normally, I would have much preferred to sit on the couch and let him drive himself home or something, but at that moment, I was really all for driving him home.

I wasn't really sure why I was feeling like this. It had been so long since I'd even talked to Katelyn, but I was home now. I was in the room that we slept in together all those nights ago. I was driving past places we went on dates on. I just wanted to hear her voice... I just wanted to see how she was doing.

So, after dropping off Eric, I made a plan to drive a different way home. A route that had her old house as a stop, and I would just stop by to say hello to her Mom, and then casually ask where Katelyn was, where she could be reached, her phone number, etc. It seemed like a pretty genius plan at the time.

But then, I was just sitting in the car, in front of the house, nervous as hell, debating whether or not I wanted to do it.

Of course I wanted to, but I was almost scared. I didn't want to know what had changed. I didn't want to find out if she had a new boyfriend or not... I just didn't want to know.

Finally I worked up the courage to go to the front door, and knock.

I stood there awkwardly, hands behind my back for about a minute, when the door opened.

It wasn't Katelyn's Mom, or her Dad.

The girl standing in the doorway had her hair up in a messy bun, her green eyes lined with make up, her freckles prominent on her cheeks, with a bowl of cereal in one hand, and a cell phone in the other. She was wearing a baggy t-shirt and jean shorts, with mismatched socks.

I stared at her. She stared at me.

Then I felt milk all over my feet from the cereal bowl she dropped in shock.

"Nick mother fucking Santino." She said breathlessly, bending down to pick up her bowl. "I'm... so ... sorry... Um, why... What is..."

I didn't exactly know what to say either. I just sort of rocked back and forth on my heels, feeling milk sink into my shoes. "Katelyn."

"What are you doing here?" She said, looking me right in the eyes. She was the exact same as last time I saw her, but.. more mature. Like she knew more. It scared me that she grew up without me.

"I live you know, in this city. I was coming to talk to your Mom... I uh, just got home and... What are you doing here? You don't live here anymore?"

She stuck a hand on her hip, and tilted her head at me. Strands of red hair fell from the clip holding the bun up. "I'm visiting."

I nodded slowly. "I see."

"Yep."

She still had an absolutely beautiful voice, I noted. I was getting lost.

"So, how have you been?" I asked.

"Good." She moved out of the way and gestured for me to come inside. Once I was in the house, it was like nothing had changed. It just felt so familiar. It wasn't just her home, it was my second home, too.

"That's good."

"Yeah. How was touring and stuff?"

"It was pretty cool."

"That's good."

We sat down on her couch, and exchanged more awkward small talk for a while. We were finally starting to warm up to each other again, laugh, share stories, have more than five word sentences, when her phone vibrated in her pocket. She took it out and stared at it, sighing.

"Sorry, Nick, but I uh, gotta go. I'm meeting a ... friend."

I blinked. I didn't want to leave, or her to leave or anything. I was enjoying her company. "Oh, uh, okay."

"But give me your number, and we'll talk sometime, okay?"

I nodded, and we exchanged numbers, and she got all ready for hanging out with her "friend", while I left, and started driving home. The whole drive, all I could think of was all I missed, how many other "friends" she'd made...

I wanted to be a part of her life again. More than absolutely anything.

--

Katelyn and I talked on the phone a few days later for about two hours. We talked about absolutely everything there was to talk about, from tour and college, to what we had for breakfast. I learned a lot about where she'd been since I was gone, what she'd dealt with. Who she'd been with.

She told me about her new friends. I only remembered a few names, like Amy and Mel. The list was strangely too extensive for me to remember. Turns out, though, that the person she hung out with yesterday was neither Amy nor Mel.

It was a guy.

His name was Alex, and he really liked her, and she kinda liked him, and they might get together or something... and that was all I heard before it got too awkward for her to finish talking about him.

She told me that being my friend gave her confidence that she never got to show when I was still there as her security blanket. When I left, she sort of blossomed into someone people wanted to be around. Girls wanted to be her friend, boys wanted to buy her drinks. Me leaving changed her life in a positive way, and that made me sick. Happy for her, but sick.

A few days after our long phone conversation, I drove into town to get food and other necessities like that. I stopped at the gas station to get, well.. gas obviously, when I heard someone call my name.

"Nick!"

This was happening a lot lately.

I looked up and saw a girl leaning again a blue PT Cruiser, with sunglasses perched on top of her blond head and her blue eyes fixed on me.

"Uh, hey..." I said, casually pumping my gas. I had no idea who this girl was.. I figured a fan or something.

"Do you remember me?" She asked. Her voice was sort of high pitched and nasal, which was as far as I could tell one of the only unattractive things about her.

I tilted my head.

"We went to high school together. I'm Danielle."

I thought back for a moment, and tried to remember her. Sure enough, we did go to high school. She was one of the popular girls, and she was in a few of my classes. As far as I remembered, she paid zero attention to me, and took after making fun of Katelyn. Needless to say, I wasn't very fond of her.

"Oh, uh. Hey Danielle. Long time no see." I mumbled.

"How've you been?" She asked. I was starting to find it really weird that we were talking over gas pumps... and that we were talking at all.

"I've been great. What about you?"

"The same. Whatcha been up to?"

"Touring with my band. You know, just music stuff." I shrugged. "Yourself?"

"School." She grinned, and then launched into a whole life story of her after high school. She seemed to expect me to do the same, but I just stood there, blinking at her. She seemed to get the memo, then, and walked over to me. "Well, I'll see you some other time Nick." She threw her arms around me. I awkwardly hugged her back. "I missed you!"

Like you even knew my name back then, but alright...

"We should hang out or something. Discuss your life over coffee?" She fumbled around in her purse, and then wrote her number on my hand. "Call me, okay?"

It was sort of scary that I was considering it. I thought about this "Alex" dude and Katelyn, and how if she could get with some popular air head, I sure as hell could too. "Sounds good." I answered, smiling at her, and got back in my car and drove home.

--

Coffee with Danielle was one of the most awkward experiences of my entire life.

We sat outside at a table with an umbrella over top, people on the streets walking by what felt like every two seconds. I just sipped my coffee while she gushed, and asked me way too many questions, and I would answer in brief, simple answers and wonder why the hell I was here in the first place.

Truth is, I still loved Katelyn. A lot. I sort of wanted to do this to say that I did. I wanted to show her I could have someone else. It was sort of horrible, and I knew that, but I wanted her to be... jealous?

At the same time, I also didn't know if she would ever know. Sure, we were talking a lot now, but it wasn't like I'd really tell her this. It'd seem like I was trying to make her jealous, and although I was, I didn't exactly want her to know it.

"Hey, Nick, look!" Danielle squealed, pointing at something behind me. I thought about how much her voice made me want to rip my eardrums out, and slowly turned.

Oh.

Well, Katelyn sure as hell knew now.

She was standing across the street talking, flirting and laughing with some guy I had never seen before. She was talking to him, but looking right at me.

"Isn't that like, your ex girlfriend?" Danielle asked.

I nodded, grinding my teeth. "Sure is."

"She looks really pretty now. Wonder if that is her new boyfriend." Danielle said, sipping her coffee happily. "Hm."

"Uh yeah. I wonder."

Katelyn and I locked eyes for a moment, and she flipped her red hair over her shoulder, and stalked off. Not just away from me, but the guy she was talking to as well. I thought that was a little odd, of course, but I just tried to ignore it.

That was a lot harder than anticipated.

"Uh, look Danielle, I gotta go. I'll see you later?"

She blinked up at me, sighed, and nodded. "Sure."

I got up from the table, and started walking in the direction I saw Katelyn heading. I knew she might have genuinely had somewhere to be, and I was being really creepy following along like this, but I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to see her.

The more I walked, the closer I got to someplace very, very familiar. The park where I first kissed her, and sure enough, she was sitting on top of that hill, at the very picnic table it happened at. Her head was resting in her hands, and I figured she had no idea I was there. I walked quietly up the hill and sat down beside her.

"Hi." I said awkwardly.

She looked up at me, smiled weakly, and looked away. "Hey."

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You sure?" I tilted my head so she would look at me.

"Alex is just being an asshole."

"That was Alex?"

"Yup."

"Figures." I sighed. "He looked like a douche bag."

Katelyn looked over at me, and grinned. "You think so too?"

I blinked at her. "You thought so?"

"Yeah. Well, I mean, not at first. But, yeah."

"I thought you liked him..." I said slowly, very confused.

"Yeah. Well. No, not really." She sighed. "What about you and Danielle? You seemed to having fun there..."

"Please. It was the worst experience of my life besides leaving you."

She tilted her head at me. "Really? She's really pretty though."

"Yeah, but she'll never come close to you..." I pointed out. I suddenly felt really weird. Like I was saying more than what I was supposed to say. I felt like I was just confessing everything. "I mean, you're beautiful in every sense of the word."

Her cheeks turned pink, and I smiled.

"I missed you, Nick."

"I missed you too."

"Alex didn't stand a chance, you know." She scoffed. "He didn't know me like you did. I don't think he even wanted to. I couldn't you know, play video games with him, and eat animal crackers, and fool around the way we did. He didn't see me as a best friend... he saw me as someone else. He didn't see me like you."

I nodded, and inched a bit closer to her.

"Truth it, I just wanted to make you jealous..." She said shyly. "I came because I heard you'd be in town, and since you never bothered making contact... I figured you weren't into me anymore, so..."

"What! I was trying to make you jealous! What the fuck! I thought you didn't want to talk to me anymore, anyways!"

Everything was getting very confusing.

"It hurt so much to talk to you Nick! I couldn't for a little while, but..." She looked away. "I always wanted you to call... or you know, do anything."

"I'm sorry I didn't."

"It isn't your fault."

I looked at Katelyn, my best friend since we were five years old, the girl I hadn't seen in so long, the girl who had grown up and changed with me, and by herself, and she was beautiful in every way I could think of, and I missed her, and loved her with all my heart, and no matter what, no distance would take me away from her ever again.

So, like all those years ago at the exact same place, in the exact same month, I kissed her again, discovering someone new.