Too Much

Uncertainty was the biggest pain in my life…period. I had everything planned out, college, university, job, career, marriage, children…I wanted it all and I knew when and exactly where i wanted it. Yes I admit sometimes my fear of uncertainty did get too much, but I had Maddie she kept my feet firmly planted onto the ground.

However as Maddie and I walked hand in hand (we did that as a joke) over to Rob’s house, the nagging feeling in the back of my head, the physical sickness I felt in the pit of my stomach…just didn’t want to go away. She was my best friend, my support, my sister practically…I couldn’t just not have her around it would be too painful, especially when I didn’t know what the hell was going on with my parents.

“What’s up bitches!”

Rob shouted over the mass of grinding teenagers congregating in his living room area, some of who I recognised…some of who I didn’t. Maddie and I chuckled to one another at Rob’s drunken state; he had been our best friend for ever but was never as close to us as me and Maddie were to one another.

His black hair was sticking to the sweat beads forming on his forehead, making his side fringe quite frankly a mess; his emerald eyes similar to mine, alive with elation, as he bit down on his lip ring before engulfing both of our bodies against his sweaty one.

The sound of Fall Out Boy surrounded the room, erupting in cheers and singing from the majority present. Laughing to myself I reminded myself of when I first met Rob and how he was practically a clone of Pete Wentz, I and Maddie never made him forget that.

Leaving Maddie grinding with Rob in the middle of the mass of drunkards, I swiftly pushed through the heaving atmosphere that was building and poured myself my drink of choice, vodka and coke, into a trusty red plastic cup.

Feeling the sensation of the liquid pour down my throat, I gained a new found confidence. It helped me forget that my only support, my best friend was going to move half way around the world in about 2 days. It made me escaped from my problems, and that was when the alcohol got stronger and stronger throughout the night.
---------------------
Waking up from the harsh sunlight hitting me in the eyes, I squinted them shut hoping to force the terrible hangover I had gained out of my system. Turning over to block out the sunlight, I flipped sides in the double bed that I guessed was the spare bedroom.

However to my sheer shock I was confronted with something quite unexpected, my emerald eyes nearly bursting out of their sockets as I saw a stationary, skinny man laying…sleeping right down next to me. SHIT!

Carefully and quietly I flipped my lean legs over the edge of the bed, creeping along the oak floorboards I slipped undetected into the en-suite bathroom. Once safely inside I grabbed my black patterned make-up bag that lay by the sink from the previous night. Taking out a wipe I swept it across my skin roughly, as I tried to remove all the eyeliner, shadow and mascara that was now etched in my milky complexion.

After a few minutes my skin was red raw, as I tossed the make-up wipe in the bin and got changed into some new clothes (also left in the en-suite) I leant against the white washed door. I can’t remember anything from last night, not one bit…please say I didn’t do what I think I’ve done.

Frantically I pulled my legs up to my chest, my hands linking together underneath my knees. On queue tears began spilling over their barriers, I couldn’t control myself how I could be so stupid!? Pushing my black bangs out of eyes, I pulled my hair into a high ponytail to stop strands sticking to my face from the tears.

I was always the sensible one at the parties; I almost always ended up looking after Maddie or making sure Rob got to bed okay. Not once did I ever have to worry about myself. Yet here I am, crouched down on the floor, not even knowing if I lost my fucking virginity to some guy I have never met in my life. I mean i couldn't of right? I'd know if i had, but then again i was unexperienced i wouldn't know fuck...

Composing myself as quickly and quietly as I could, just because I didn’t want mystery man in there to wake up; I gathered my belongs up as fast as I could before running out of the spare room and down the stairs.

Edging closer to the front door I was nearly free and as soon as I left I hope my worries would too, but unfortunately as I sped into the kitchen I was confronted with Rob and Maddie ,concerned glances burning right at me.

“Morning”

Maddie muttered curtly before taking a sip of the boiling hot coffee from the mug that she held in her hands. Her gaze quickly met mine for mere seconds before she returned to admire the marble counter top….SHIT she knew.

“Have a good sleep”

Rob questioned a small smirk playing on his lips, his lip ring edging further apart as his grin grew. Yes…they definitely knew.

“Urm….guys…I am…urgh sorry I guess, but I don’t…exactly knew what even happened…I mean I”

I rambled like fuck as I nervously concentrated on a fray piece of material at the hem of my shirt, avoiding eye contact at all cost. I was embarrassed…ashamed, I felt dirty.

“You didn’t have sex”

Maddie interjected; shocked I knitted my eyebrows together in confusion, urging her elaboration on the subject that I myself had just spent half an hour locked in a bathroom crying over.

“It was my cousin Jake, he arrived way after and you were wasted. We took you up to the spare room to sleep and later on Jake got wasted and he had no where to sleep. He crashed out next to you, but I spent all night watching you guys making sure he didn’t make a move. I only left you both alone about an hour ago.”

“Dicks!”

I shouted I was so pissed how could they do this to me, trick me into thinking I’d slept with Jake when I was so vulnerable and fragile right now. But then again didn’t I kind of deserve it…

“Well you did deserve it Al, you were wasted and I mean…”

“Yeah okay I get it…can I just go home now”

I interrupted Maddie further, she had verified that I did indeed “deserve it” but now I wanted nothing more than to go home and face whatever was going on there, and prepare myself for losing my best friend.

“Come on then”

Maddie finished, drawing a line under the whole issue that just popped up in Rob’s kitchen. I grabbed my david&goliath hold all slinging it over my shoulder and quickly hugging Rob. Maddie took a little longer saying goodbye, as it was going to be the last time she would see him before moving.

Tears were gently spilling down her cheeks as he hugged her harder than I’d ever seen him capable of, I two then experienced that feeling of tears threatening to spill and in the 5 minutes remaining I tried desperately to fight them back.
------------------------
“ALLIE MAY JOHNSON!”

Shit! Full named, this can’t be good and with my head in this state I’m sure I really wanted to hear it.

“Where the hell have you been all night! Me and your father have been worried sick”

My mother bellowed at me, her cheeks turning Scarlett in anger, as I tried to avoid eye contact and winced at the sheer effect that my mother’s voice had on my delicate state.

“Mum, I’m sorry I left my phone at Maddie’s house I only got it back this morning”

I lied, I did have my phone but I knew they’d never agree to let me go to this party. They loved Rob, his older brother however not so much, convicted drug dealer.

“Well that’s no excuse Allie…you could of called from Maddie’s or from a telephone box”

“Well sorry I live in the 21st century!”

I screamed back, all this frustration about their secrecy building up and finally unleashing in the worst way possible.

“Don’t you dare talk to me in that tone hand me you’re phone over. It’s confiscated for a week”

Reluctantly I handed my HTC over to my mother, a glare evident on my face. Yes I could still fight back and be pissed off at my mum considering my hangover stage.

“Well at least I don’t keep secrets from you guys!”

I yelled about to storm off and turn my back on my mother. I knew as soon as I said that I was being a bitch, I’ve kept too many secrets from my mum than I would of ever liked too.

“You really want to know!”

My mum retorted in anger, her plump figure leaning against the wooden bar island that lay central in our highly decorated kitchen…my mum was an interior designer.

“YES!”

“We’re moving too, I know you’ve taken Maddie’s hard to stomach which is why we were reluctant to even tell you. We were going to keep it a surprise, but…”

“I don’t like surprises”

I whispered, tears now rapidly and furiously smudging my eye make-up, making my eyes sting from the harsh chemicals used in my cheap make-up brands.

“Exactly, I hate to break it to you like this but we think you need a fresh start from here, its not doing you any good. We board a flight tonight, we’re not going to tell you were we want something to at least remain a surprise”

I struggled for breath, my ribs ceasing up almost as I fell to the floor as the air was well and truly knocked from me as I managed to repeat

“But I don’t like surprises”

I said through clenched teeth, I was so pissed I couldn’t even look at my mother right now.

“Take it as another punishment then”

She snapped before dragging the same cardboard boxes I helped Maddie pack from underneath the stairs and into the hallway, and then when I remembered…Maddie.

Rushing out of my house and down the road to the house that was so effortlessly etched into my mind, I was confronted with an empty driveway, assuming they’d gone out to sort out last minute stuff.

Over the lawn I noticed her next door neighbour Mrs Williams glancing over, eyeing me up and down, a look of concern clearly present on her placid face.

“Looking for Maddie dear? You do know she left for good an hour ago, they got put on an earlier flight, she did try calling you...I thought she got through to you though?”

“No…no she didn’t”

I mentally cursed to myself for getting my phone taken off me, mum must have heard it going off though surely?

Mrs Williams gave me a sympathetic look before an awkward silence washed over us, I didn’t know what to say or do or act, I was lost. Mrs Williams had looked after me and Maddie since we were little and our parents had to work, she was what brought me and Maddie together, and now she was the one informing me she had left…we had been separated for good.

Which is why 4 hours later, I found myself sunk into a tacky, uncomfortable airplane seat with no idea where the hell I was heading. A plate full of what I can only be described as slop sat in front of me, making my insides violently turn, I hadn’t eaten at all since the party to be honest...I’d lost all my appetite.

Uncertainty...the one thing that buggered my life up had returned once more, fiercer than ever. And it took sitting on a plane heading fuck knows where, a best friend in Baltimore and no idea if I was ever going to see her again for me to realise that.