Thinkin' Bout Something

014

I sat with my back firmly pressed up against the headboard of my bed writing down another assortment of drabble. I tapped my pen against my teeth trying to regain my lyrical train of thought. The pen slipped out of my fingers and my body didn’t react, it was a strange numb sensation.

A sigh escaped my lips and I didn’t remember feeling exasperated enough to sigh. I shook my head a little and looked back down at the notebook. There was a bunch of words written down, but nothing of any importance or even substance.

There was a loud tap on my window but when I looked, no one was there. There was a rustling up the steps and I sighed, that was their way of warning me they were coming up and to make sure I was ready for them. The sudden feeling of crawling in a hole and dying seemed exceptionally tempting. Instead, I opted for picking at my finger nail polish and tucking the note book under my bed.

“Hey Ave!” I heard Zac’s voice giving me another fair warning before barging into my room.

“Come on in.” I sighed half giving up.

“You all right?” He asked me before flopping down on my bed himself.

“Yeah.” I nodded mentally screaming a “no”

“Tay wants you to come over.” He didn’t look at me to tell me. I just bit my lip and looked back to my chipped karma chameleon nail polish. Karma. The biggest bitch of them all. I snorted a little and then laughed.

“What’s so funny?” Zac asked now looking at me almost as interested in me as I still was in the color changing nail polish.

“Nothing.” I shook my head, “Sorry.” I went back to biting my lip and looking deep into his eyes.

“He doesn’t know what to do Ave. He did what he thought was best.” He shrugged himself, sitting up resting on his elbows. “What would you have done in that situation?”

“I don’t know Zac, I can’t honestly tell you that answer. I get why he did everything, but it still hurts and it still sucks.” By now I was fighting back that god awful burning sensation in the back of my throat as the tears welled up in the corners of my eyes. I bit my lip harder and shook my hair a little into my face to hide the streams starting to form over my now reddened cheeks.

“Don’t cry Ave.” He said pulling me into a hug his fingers running along my back. I sighed and moved closer to him allowing him to let me cry on his shoulder. That’s what I loved about Zac. He was the craziest person I have ever met, but he was a softy. He was always my shoulder to cry on and my go to guy. “There is nothing you can do right now, but accept it. You need to focus on what you can control, and accept what you can’t. This, unfortunately, is one of the things you can’t.” He rubbed my shoulder and kissed my forehead. “Besides, when you see Ezra, you’ll melt.” He nudged me a little and smirked.

I laughed and looked him in the eye. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

“Why would you be afraid of that?” He cocked his head to one side and gave me that quizzical look.

“Because, when I realize how beautiful that little boy is, and how much my heart is going to swell when I see him, then I’m not going to be able to deal with these feelings anymore. All I wanted to do was be with Tay, and when I lose my heart to this little boy, I’m going to only want what is best for that baby, and what is best is for him to have his parents, together, in love and untouchable.” I didn’t look at him in the eye, I studied the different colors of karma chameleon, striking enough, red, green, blue, and gold. I made a mental note to laugh about that later, and to invest in nail polish remover because the color was more like vomit and it was a nauseating rainbow effect, no colors should go like that. My head was swimming.

“Come over.” Zac pleaded. He took my hands so I couldn’t lose my train of thought on my puke colored finger nails.

“If I say okay, will you never ask me to do anything this horrifying ever again?” I asked.

“I promise.” He said standing up.

“Fine.” I matched his action and then made my way over to my dresser picking up my bag from one of the satin nickel knobs on the front. I scooped up my car keys knowing full well Zac walked the mile to my house.

“Why don’t we walk?” He asked.

“Because, when I have to run out the door, I don’t want anyone to be able to catch up to me, I may need to be alone with my thoughts, and I can drive faster than any of you can run, and I can lose you.” I stated with a matter of fact tone that was meant less for humor and more for well thought out plan of easy escape.

“You’re not going to have to run, Natalie won’t be there.” He said in the same matter of fact tone.

“She’s the least of my worries.” I said.

“Then what are you afraid of?”

Before I could even begin to answer I exited the room and made my way down to my car. I shut the door buckled my seat belt, putting the key in the ignition, and turning the radio up a little more than necessary. My fingers flicked the heater up two clicks, November was usually such a good month for me. I shook my head and adjusted my mirror and the blowers. Ellis having messed up both since she was in my car the last time.

“You didn’t answer me.” Zac said buckling up his own seat belt and leaning back in his seat. He drummed his fingers against the dusty plastic of my dashboard.

“I’m afraid of myself Zac.” I answered in a breathy sigh of relief feeling some sort of weight be lifted off my shoulders. “I’m afraid I’m either going to try to break my way into Taylor’s heart again or I’m going to run off and never come back.” I gripped the steering wheel, watching the blood leave my knuckles and the flesh turn an even more pale white. “There doesn’t seem to be a happy medium right now, and I’m terrified of it.” I didn’t turn to look at him, I just kept my eyes fixed on the road in front of me. I turned down their road and pulled carefully into their drive way.

I didn’t take my hands off the wheel, I could feeling a million emotions building up inside of me. The sun went down already I looked at the clock, it was six thirty seven. The sun had been gone for over an hour now. I looked up and into the window that displayed the living room of the Hanson household. The tv was on and the fireplace was lit up. I could see the family photos lined up along the mantle.

I followed the shadow dancing on the wall to its owner. In the middle of the room, there stood Taylor. He was the only one in the room at all. Or so I thought, it was then he turned to the side and was rocking a little bundle of blue blanket in his arms. He was singing, or at least I think he was, his lips were moving and he was swaying back in the same rhythm. I smiled and in an instant my heart was swollen, then it burst.

I got out of the car and followed Zac inside. “Tay, I brought someone to see you.” Zac said softly, before making his way up the steps leaving me and Taylor alone.

“Hey Ave.” He barely whispered. “Meet Ezra.” He smiled and handed him to me, I looked down into the blanket and saw the most beautiful little face I had ever seen. He was asleep and his little pink lips trembled as if he was dreaming. I felt a few tears slip from my eyes, but I didn’t feel them make it to my cheeks.

“He’s beautiful Tay.” I smiled rocking the baby against me, then like a puzzle piece fitting together, I let everything click into place, I was just going to be “Auntie Ave.”
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Sorry it took me so long to update. I've been busy lately! Comments are lovely! <3