Thinkin' Bout Something

015

I was there for over an hour, and still no sign of Natalie. There was a silence spread over the entire house, as Taylor sat holding Ezra on the rocking chair. He gently pushed some of the blanket with his fingertips out of Ezra’s face. His eyes left the baby and changed their direction to me.

“We need to talk.” He whispered.

“About?” I had successfully picked off three fingers worth of karma chameleon.

“Us.” He then looked at the floor as I diverted all my attention to the other two fingers on my hand. “I never thought I would be that guy…” He spoke to the floor before laying Ezra in the bassinet close to the rocking chair. He then twisted his wedding ring and sighed. “I never wanted to be that guy.” He made his way across the room to me and knelt down in front of my chair.

I couldn’t look at him. If I looked at him, I may kiss him, if I kiss him I might make everything worse, if I make everything worse it might not only be my heart that is broken. If I break his heart too, I couldn’t live with myself. I stopped my train of thought and realized how silly it really was that I was telling my subconscious self I would kill myself over Taylor Hanson. I shook my head and mental slapped myself.

“Ave.” He barely said anything, it was a fragile, desperate breath of air.

I pushed the hair out of my eyes and sat back in the chair looking into his eyes finally. The bright blue orbs staring back at me. He stood up and pushed his lips against mine. I was frozen, I clutched the arms of the chair and dug my nails into the wood. I felt my knees grow weak, and if I didn’t have something to hold onto and my Jiminy Cricket screaming to not give in to a married man’s kiss, I would have thrown my arms around him and never let him go.

“Nothing back?” He asked after he pulled back. He ruffled his hair and blew out a frustrated puff of air.

“Taylor, you have to understand.” I said touching my lips as if they were burning with poison and not the passion I was dying to return.

“I do.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and then glanced up at the clock.

“I should go.” I said grabbing my bag from beside the chair before standing up.

“Don’t.” He said grabbing my wrist.

“I think I have to.” I pulled my arm away and made my way to the door. I opened it and shut it softly as not to draw attention from anyone. What happened between Taylor and I was between Taylor and I. I fumbled with my car keys before finding the right one and unlocking the door. I slipped inside and turned the ignition. I pulled out of the driveway and turned down the road.

I drummed my fingers over the steering wheel to the music and my frustration. I laughed a little when “This Is A Song For The Lonely, By Cher” came on. I sang along and made my way into Ellis and Micha’s driveway. I slammed the door shut and bounded up the steps to their door. I knocked for the sheer fact that they were home alone and if I walked in unannounced I could easily be killed, being mistaken for a serial killer.

“Hey Ave.” Micha answered the door. She moved out of the way when she realized I wasn’t really in the mood to actually greet her back. She sat down on the sofa next to me as I waited for Ellis to come down too.

“What’s wrong?” Ellis asked.

“I went over to see Ezra and Tay.” I said in an exasperated hushed snarl.

“Oh.” Ellis said plopping her feet up on the coffee table.

“I was so stupid!” I crossed my arms over my chest and let my hair fall into my eyes.

“You’re not stupid Ave.” Micha said rubbing my shoulder.

“Yes I am…” I was wrestling with the idea of telling them, I had gone this far, I might as well tell them the rest. I was sick of my conscience and was ready to choke my inner Jiminy Cricket, but that might be a for of strange suicide. “I let him kiss me.” It was out and I almost wanted to reach up, grab it, and swallow it whole again, but it was out and on the table.

“He kissed you?” Ellis choked on her soda.

“Did you kiss back?” Micha prodded.

“Yes and no. He kissed me, and I didn’t kiss back, he was upset, so I left.”

“You just left?”

“Yeah.” I crossed my arms tighter and didn’t dare my eye contact. Eye contact can kill. I chewed my lip and waited.

“So, what happens next?” Micha asked.

“How am I supposed to know? I’m not messing around with a married man. As much as I love Taylor, its wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong!”

“It is wrong.” Ellis stated.

“Thanks for making me feel better.”

“I was agreeing with you… what else do you want?” She threw her hands up in defense.

“I don’t know what I want.”

“I know what we can do.” Micha pulled the remote out of thin air and flipped on the Karaoke Channel. She pressed a series of buttons and then pressed play. “Sing.” She said pushing me a little with a devious smile on her face.

I heard the opening measure and laughed, matching the video. “So tell me what you want what you really really want!” I sang along Micha and Ellis joining in.

We sang a million different songs before what happened was out of my mind. I said my good byes and made my way back home. I pulled in and my headlights caught someone sitting on my porch. I shut the engine off and made my way up to the figure, I sat down next to it and rested my head on his shoulder.

“I had to talk to you.” Taylor said softly.

“You don’t have to whisper.” I answered in a normal speaking voice, breaking the night.

“We need to be together.” He said just as loud.

“You’re married.”

“I never wanted to be this guy.” He pointed to himself and then shook his head. “I wanted to be the devoted husband, and father, some day.. I’m not ready to do it now.”

“You did what you did Tay.” I watched him flinch. “Its not going to be easy, but you have to be the person you wanted to be soon than you wanted to be.” I cocked my head to the side and repeated what I said in my mind and shrugged.

“I want to be with you…” He trailed off. “I don’t care if I’m the person I never understood or the person I used to resent. I understand them now, they did something wrong, and they are trying to fix it.” He was using his hands to talk, something he only did when he was desperate to make a point.

“Its not fair to anyone.”

“Why not?” He asked then looked at the gravel sidewalk. We had so many things in common, right down to our diversions, we looked down a lot when we were in awkward situations.

“Because, Natalie…” He cringed again. “Because, she… she’s your wife Taylor. Its not fair to her that she married someone who doesn’t love her back and its not fair that all I wanted was you.”

“You can have me.” He pushed.

“For a few hours, then you have to go back to your wife and your child!” I was getting angry, more angry than I thought.

He nodded in silence.

“Does this make me a bad person?” He asked looking up at me. He did a great job of hiding the fact he was crying up until now. There were wet streaks down over his cheeks and his blue eyes sparkled in agony. I knelt down beside him and cupped his face in my hands after brushing a few tears away and tucking random strands of hair behind his ears.

“Look at me Taylor.” His eyes locked onto mine. “In no way does this make you a bad person. You are perfect, I love you, and I always will. You are doing nothing wrong.” He snorted back at me and tried to look away. I pushed his face back softly but forcefully to be back with mine. “You’re scared.”

“Of course I’m scared.” He whispered holding back a sob. I didn’t know what to say back. I wrapped my arms around him and rested his head on my chest. I ran my fingers through his hair before kissing the top of his head. “You’re the most amazing person I have ever met.” I whispered against his scalp. “You’re going to be a great husband and an even better father.”

“Please, don’t say anything.” He asked softly. I just nodded. “It makes everything hurt more when you’re not disgusted with me.”
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