Thinkin' Bout Something

004

A few weeks later I walked into my bedroom after school and set my bag down by the end table. There was a note scribbled on the stack of papers and a single red tulip laying next to it. All it said was “call me” and his name.

“Hey.” I said as he answered.

“Hey. Can I come over?” Taylor asked.

“Yeah. Sure. Is everything okay?”

“I’ll tell you everything when I get there.” With that he hung up.

Within a few minutes there was a knock on the door. I let him in and he followed me upstairs. “What’s up?”

“Here.” He said handing me a piece of paper and another flower, this time a purple hyacinth.

I tore the envelope and unfolded the piece of paper. I read the words and didn’t make a sound. I didn’t move. When I finally finished I looked over at him. The purple hyacinth seemed appropriate but nowhere near fitting. It was the flower of apology, a humiliated sorrow.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered his voice shaking.

“Don’t apologize to me.” I laid the paper down on the bed and turned to face him. “Don’t you dare tell me you are sorry for this.”

“As you read the words I wrote, I couldn’t speak.”

“I couldn’t say much while reading them.”

“All I could do was watch you, waiting for your expression, watch from here as the flower brushed your cheek.” He was breaking.

“Taylor. I love you. I always will, but right now you need to do the right thing.”

“I don’t know if I can. How do you do the right thing when it consists of the wrong thing from the start?”

“I’m not the right thing, you made that choice.”

“Avalynne, please.”

“You need to go Tay.” I said pulling him close to me. “As much as I hurt, you need to go.”

“I don’t want to leave you. I can’t leave you.”

“I’m sorry, but now I’m not supposed to love you like I do. I am going to try and do what is right on my part. I don’t know if I will be able to do it, but its what is best.” I wiped one of his tears away and kissed him on the cheek. “Its all we can do.”

“I just want to know how you feel.”

“I feel torn apart. A million tiny pieces of me feeling a million different things. I’m worried, scared, happy, and above all heartbroken.. But what’s done is done. Now, you and I and everyone else is going to have to be okay with that.”

“That’s not exactly what I meant… tell me everything you are thinking.”

“To do that Taylor, I would need a thousand years.”

“Give me something.”

“I waited for you, just hoping that you’d come back to me. I waited for you, just dreaming that you were coming to me. But, there is always a day for dreaming to end.” I bit my lip and let a few tears escape. “We need to forget everything we felt other than are strictly “just friends” relationship.”

“Forget? How could I forget your touch, your warm embrace? I will always love you. In a strictly “more than friends” kind of way. I could be with you forever. You could know that if your cry that its all right. When you smile I smile. I feel every breath that you’re breathing. I can hear every thought that you’re thinking. We can talk, until that thousand years have gone by. You and I.” He took a hold of my hands and kissed them.

“You have to go Taylor. Before we both make the wrong decision.” He kissed my forehead. “Please.”

“Is that what you really want?”

“No.” I sighed. “But its what needs to be done. Everyone does things they don’t want to. We walk a fine line between want and need everyday. You need to leave, I want you to stay.”

“You don’t sound confident.”

“I will never be confident in breaking your heart.”

“Then leave with me tonight.”

“No.”

“Ave.”

“Taylor, go. Please.” I was crying harder now. “I beg you, if you love me, you will leave.”

“You want me to leave if I love you?”

“Yes.”

“Do I get to say goodbye?”

“Words only and not a good bye forever, just to everything we could have been before today.”

“I will say good bye to you, but I refuse to say goodbye to something like that, because I never got to say hello.”

There was a soft catching sound as the piston of the door knob fit contently in the latch. When I heard the downstairs door shut I laid down on my bed and pulled my teddy bear close. With my other hand I felt blindly for the letter he had written me. Once it was in my fingers I opened it one more time.

Dear Avalynne,

It is with a heavy heart I am writing this. I want you to know that I love you with everything I am. I always have and I always will. There is no easy way to say what I am going to say, and there is no simple way for me to say I am deeply sorry for the pain I have and will cause you. This morning, Natalie gave me bittersweet news. I am writing this letter in hopes that it will soften the blow, because I can not speak the words myself. Writing alone, is making it seem more truthful. You will be reading this, hopefully, three days from now. Once I have found the best way to approach you with it. Hopefully, if there is actually any hope left within my heart, bones, and soul, I will have everything planned out. I can’t finish this until then…
-- Taylor

I opened the second page.

Avalynne,
We have had our conversations and we have come to the conclusion. Avalynne, Natalie is pregnant. Her and I are to be wed in Georgia on June 8th. I know it is close to your birthday, but that was part of Natalie’s idea. We want you there as well. Therefore, we want you to celebrate your birthday with us in Pine Mountain and Atlanta. Micha and Ellis are coming as well. We hope to have you! It will be a great chance to have the bridal shower and baby shower at the same time!
Love always,
Taylor and Natalie

I folded the pieces of paper back up and buried my face into the pillow. He got her pregnant and now he was going to marry her. I closed my eyes and breathed in deep. I did what I had to do. That baby needed a happy home and I needed to back away.
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