Sweet Goodbyes

Alex let out a shaky sigh as he gazed at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He opened his eyes wide, taking in his disheveled appearance. He had large bags under his eyes, and his skin was a sickly, off white color, An extreme change from the tan skin tone he had last year. His hair stuck up at odd angles and it looked like it hadn't been brushed in days, partially because he didn't care and partially because it hadn't. Alex was a wreck, because a year ago today, he lost his entire world, and in a mere two hours, he would have to go back to the place where he lost her.

A year ago today, on a dark Sunday afternoon, his girlfriend was killed in a car accident. A tragic twist of fate.

He never planned on returning to that exact place that broke his heart, that place where he lost the love of his life. It had been an entire year, and yet the thought of returning still shook him to his very core. It terrified him.

He turned on the shower, making sure it was steaming hot before he got into it, and he let himself cry. He cried great chest racking sobs. Sobs that made his throat and stomach ache, and sobs that the shower could barely mask, sobs that were filled with heartache, and miserable anguish. Today was a day that he had been dreading. The day he had to let her go. It was still so hard. Still too hard. He assured himself, he could do it. He had to do it, for himself, for her.

He pulled himself together, washing up, scrubbing his skin hard until it was red and raw. Washing his hair furiously, watching as pieces of it swirled down the drain. That had been happening a lot since the accident, the doctors said it was just stress, it was normal. Alex felt anything but normal.

He washed and scrubbed and cleaned until the water ran cold and his body couldn't take it anymore, he turned off the shower and braced himself as he stepped out, the cold air not bothering him as much as he expected, but that was because the shower was shockingly cold, and the air around him was nothing compared to it.

He wrapped the towel around his waist as he walked back to the bathroom mirror, wiping away the condensation to look at his reflection again. He expected something more, he expected to look better than before, but it was just as bad. He frowned deeper than he had before. He gave another sigh as he exited the bathroom, he knew what looked so bad about him, he looked so sad. So broken.

Slowly, he got ready. Dressing himself in black skinny jeans and a button up, deep blue, flannel shirt. He brushed his hair haphazardly and tried his best to push the anxiety out of his head, but he couldn't help but feel anxious. He was going to the place that scared him the most. He would be seeing people that knew him the best, yet he hadn't spoken a word to since the accident. They promised each other they would do this, but he didn't think it would be this hard.

He slipped on his shoes and her voice rang into his mind, even though that was the last thing he wanted, "Looking good baby," he imagined her smiling at him, fixing his collar, and kissing the tip of his nose affectionately.

He gave a sad smile at the thought and shook his head, knowing it was a fantasy and nothing more, and cursing himself for letting himself think of her now, he didn't want to cry again.

He looked towards his dresser, his laptop sitting there, on standby. He bit his lip thoughtfully, contemplating whether or not he actually wanted to do what was eating at him. He ran his hand through his hair and pulled his computer to him. He touched the key pad and started up the device. Once it loaded, he stared at his screen saver for a second, it was the two of them on his 19th birthday, he smiled at the memory. He pulled up his files and scrolled through until he found what he had been looking for. He double clicked on the folder 'iloveyoualex' and smiled as he did so. He clicked on the single video file and watched as her face filled the screen.

He did this at least once every two weeks, he watched this video. The video she made for him, telling him 10 reasons why she loved him. The video always made him cry. Cry, laugh, smile, remember. It killed him, yet it bought him back to life at the same time.

He watched intently, a smile creeping into his features almost instantly.

"Hi baby, it's me... Darcy Carter... Future Darcy Gaskarth? I think so..." she laughed, he grinned, that was one of his favorite parts, the beginning.

"And this is your surprise! I know, I know, maybe you thought it was something better, but nope," she sang, popping the P, "it's just lil' ol' me... Now, this is me, telling you, 10 reasons why... I love you!" she said excitedly and he laughed.

"Okay okay, number one. Your smile," she said grinning, "I love it, when you smile, it always puts a grin on my face... I love it babe, never change it!" she said, pointing at him with a stern look on her face.

"Alright number two, your laugh... Do you have any idea how cute that is? It sounds like angels singing or somethin' I swear!" she said laughing, Alex laughed too, through the tears that were soaking his cheeks.

"Number three," she said holding up three fingers, "Number three is cuz you are always there for me, always... Even when I don't want you to be," she said shaking her head, "Number four! Already number four, okay, I love that you're my best friend! That means I can tell you everything and I know you will keep it to yourself, and I can always count on you to be there... I love you bestfriend!" she said dramatically.

"Number five babe, halfway there, number five is... How you give, literally, the best hugs in the fucking world! I swear hugging you? I feel like I'm in heaven, I just really love being in your arms," she said with a sweet smile, "Six... Hmm, six is the fact that you speak in a British accent when you talk in your sleep, which you do quite often you know...." he let out a sob, shaking his head... Watching this now made his heart hurt more than usual, it was making his heart ache.

"Seven, seven seven.... Seven is because you're a beautiful singer... I love it when you sing to me, that's my favorite thing ever.... I wish you could just sing to me forever.... That would be amazing ya know," she said with a nod, "Eight... Well number eight is because of how you make me feel like... Like I can do anything... Like as long as I have you... I'm okay... And I'm safe. I know I'll always be safe with you, thank you for that Alex... Thanks baby," she said, biting her bottom lip and nodding. He just cried harder.

"Nine... Shit, nine already! Okay, nine is how you say that I'm the only girl for you.... Honestly, you have no idea how much that makes me smile... Because I still feel like you are wayyyyyyy too good for me, and I thank god everyday that you're all mine," she said laughing a little.

He nodded and ran his hand through his hair again. He was crying so hard his nose was completely stuffed up, and his face felt like it was on fire, the video was almost over, and it was always bittersweet.

"The last one Alex... Well, this last one is because... Because no matter what, I know that you're always gonna be there... You're always going to smile at me, and give that cute laugh you have, and support me, and be my best friend, and hold me, and talk in that cute accent of yours, and sing me to sleep, and make me feel weightless, and how you will always say I'm the only girl for you... I know you're never going away. I know you will always be there to catch me if I'm falling... I know that you love me, and I love you.... And in the end, that's all I could ever ask for.... Thank you for everything Alex, I love you so much... Bye baby!" she said waving and smiling, before blowing a kiss to the camera, and with that it was over.

The video was only three minutes long, but it had ruined Alex in that short amount of time. He could barely close the laptop and put it back, all he wanted to do was curl up into a ball and cry. He wanted to lay down and never move again. He wanted to be with her, hold her, love her, do all the things that made her love him, he wished he could keep doing. He cried loudly, making sounds that really made it seem like he was dying, and he honestly felt like he was. It hurt more than you can possibly think.

Alex honestly didn't think he would be able to move, and stand up, and get himself to go to the spot. But her voice was in his ear, asking him to please do this, for her. It made him nod frantically, and sniffle, and try as best as he could to stop crying. He felt like a baby, a stupid baby, but he didn't care. Finally, with a few, deep, uneven breaths, he was able to pull himself together. He got up slowly, making his way back into the bathroom, and rinsing his face with ice cold water, hoping the puffiness would go away.

He looked at his reflection and he attempted a smile, he mustered up the best one he could, and with that, he made his way out.

He grabbed his wallet and keys, heading for the door of his apartment. He passed a photo that had been hanging on the wall since they first moved in, and he tried his best to avoid it, but couldn't help but give in as he gazed at it. He hadn't been able to take it down, as much as he had wanted to, because it hurt too much. It was of them, smiling at the camera. His arms wrapped around her securely. She looked so happy, as did he. It was of their last day of senior year, he smiled at the 5 year old memory. How he longed to hold her again. He shook his head and moved quickly out of his small home. He smiled despite himself, remembering her once again.

"I love you, Darcy," he whispered as he closed his front door. He headed to his car in silence, the only thing he could hear was his heart racing. He turned on his car, and drove. Soon, he would be there. Soon, it would all come rushing back to him, and his only hope was that he would be able to keep himself together, and not have another breakdown like he had just minutes before. He pulled out onto the open road with one thought on his mind.

One year wasn't enough time.