Jasey Rae

Breaking up with girls is like the hardest thing someone can ever do. That’s why whenever I have a relationship with someone, I end it by not talking to them or showing my face ever again. Tour helps a lot since I get to escape from all the problems that was bound to storm my way when they'd figure out that I was ignoring them. But then again, I never keep relationships for more than a week or so. I always tend to stray away from that weird effect couples have on each other. The closeness they share and the bonds that they make by seeing each other every minute of the day just scare the crap out of me. I guess I just don’t want to get too attached to someone for fear that I might get hurt or vice-versa.

But when she came into my life, everything changed for me. My past beliefs were nothing but tiny specs of dust that made their way out of my life as soon as the doors swung wide and revealed her on the other side.

I’ve been with her for more than a year now and I haven't had any regrets about being a couple. That is until I left for tour and she told me that she trusted me enough to make it on my own.

I wanted to call her and tell her about what I did and how wrong it all felt but what was I going to give as an explanation? That I was drunk and that I wasn’t thinking straight? That I wasn’t in the right mind to choose what’s wrong or right? To have her know that all the wisdom and knowledge got drained out of my body once the alcohol kicked in? I imagined about what might happen and I knew that it wasn't going to end well. I really didn’t want to lose her but I was bound to receive a consequence for my idiotic actions. Whether it be good or bad, I was going to have to live with it.

I climbed into my bunk bed and shut the curtains. Everyone was asleep. The lights were out and the rain was pouring outside. All I wanted to do was shut my eyes and let my dreams devour me but I was afraid of what those dreams could be. Maybe they wouldn’t be the happy kind. Instead, they’d be dark and horrifying – the kind of scenes that you could consider a deadly nightmare.

But that wasn’t the only reason why I was fighting sleep. It wasn’t long until my phone rang. She promised to call. She always does. My hands were shaking and I was trying my best to keep them still so that they wouldn’t make any mistakes. I finally accepted the call and brought my phone to my ears where her voice would be heard.

“Hey Alex,” she greeted. “I can’t wait ‘til you come home.”

She sounded so sweet, so chipper but at the same time, she sounded so fragile. I didn’t want to have to tell her about my grave mistake and ruin everything for us but the guys told me that keeping these things from her would only hurt her more in the long run. I believed them but somehow, I kept wishing that this whole thing would just blow over as if it were nothing important.

There was a ball stuck in my throat preventing me from saying anything back.

Speak up! I told myself but nothing came out. I cleared my throat as I felt the tears sting my eyes. “Uh, hey,” was all I said.

“What’s wrong?” she asked anxiously as she processed the tone of my voice.

“It’s nothing,” I reasoned out. “I’m just really tired. I’ll see you in the morning.”

I hung up on her just like that. How much more of a jerk can I be? I face-palmed myself before turning to my side to sleep. I didn’t want the tears to fall. I didn’t want to have to think that this was all true. But I had a strange sense of hope that made me think that when I wake up in the morning my conscience would wash away and clean every dark detail that’s making me feel like shit. I didn’t need a guilty conscience. I needed a clean one. But how can I have a clear conscience when everything I’ve done doesn’t even begin to sum up to the word clean?

*

“Wake up, sleepyhead!” Jack screamed as loud as he could and banged two pans right in my ear.

“Holy fuck! What is wrong with you?!” I exclaimed as I kicked him out of my bunk. He started rolling on the floor laughing to no end.

I shook my head at him as I got out of my bunk. Zack was leaning against the doorframe leading into the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal. He looked at me knowingly as he crunched on a spoonful.

I raised an eyebrow at him. “What are you looking at me like that for?” I asked clearly showing everyone how much of morning person I am.

“Have you told her yet?” he asked me as he fed himself another bite.

“No,” I said sternly as I walked towards the bathroom.

I kept myself locked in as I did my usual morning routine and thought about what I was going to say exactly. I couldn’t just blurt stuff out and wing it. That would be way harder to deal with since that entailed my spontaneity and in an hour of anxiousness that was difficult to find.

Once I hopped out of the shower, I dried myself up with a towel and wrapped it around my waist before brushing my teeth and shaving my beard. The least I could do was look clean. But looking clean never really replaced the feeling of actually being pure.

After I got everything done, I went out of the small bathroom and grabbed the pieces of clothing I needed for the day. Rian rushed into the bathroom right after me saying that nature had been calling him for about an hour and a half. I just told him that I couldn't do anything about it since I couldn’t rush the rational thoughts in my head.

The bus ride to my place was the first on the list. I couldn’t say that I was excited or nervous. I felt neutral. I think the fact that I thought about how this all might go down calmed me a little. But then again, I was only looking at the bright side of the story. I shunned away all the bad thoughts hours ago – way before I went to sleep.

I looked at the guys and gave them all man-hugs before I grabbed my bags and prepared to depart. They all kept telling that it’d be fine and that there were many more fishes in the sea. I used to believe in that notion but truthfully, I couldn’t see myself with anyone else. It might sound too cliché but it’s the truth. The very truth that I wish she’d accept.

I said my goodbyes as I carried my bags and went down the bus. I felt a stabbing pain in my back as I walked with less confidence than I usually had when I came home from a tour. She was already waiting for me with a big smile plastered on her face. Little did she know that that smile of hers would soon wilt away and die into a frown.

She got up from the porch and ran straight to me. I dropped my bags as I prepared to catch her and hold her in my arms before I had to let her go forever. I wanted to smell her sweet scent before I ended the promises that I made about a year ago where I needed her desperately. I don’t think I’ve ever had a conversation that desperate in my life. I guess that’s what happens when you find someone that’s cut out for you knowing that that someone won’t ever let you go nor do you wrong.

My conscience started to cloud up again as I grew anxious and nervous about the whole situation. How was I going to break it down to her? I was about to break when suddenly everything just came back to me.

“C’mon let’s get you inside,” she said grabbing my hand but I let the grip slip away.

“Jasey, I’ve got something to tell you,” I told her in a whisper as I tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear.

“What is it?” she asked keeping my hand on her cheek. She pressed it against her face as she kissed my palm with those sweet and soft lips of hers.

“I’ve never told a lie although that might make me a liar. I have never made a bet but I gambled with my desire the day I met you. I’ve never lit a match with the intent to start a fire but it seems like everything has gone out of control,”

“Alex, what are you trying to tell me?” She had this look on her face that gave away her perplexity. I didn’t need that right now though. I needed her to understand.

“Look when I tell you what I’m about to, I want you to call me any name you want. Just kill me with your words. Curse me with them and do whatever to make you happy. And then, you have to forget about me because it’s what I deserve. Jasey Rae, I was your chance to get out of this town, help you live a new life, give you a happy ever after but I ditched the car before I even got the chance to climb in.”

“Alex, you’re scaring me, just tell me already,” she begged as she gripped my hand tightly and let it fall between us.

"While I was away for tour, I-I..." I trailed off not knowing how to end the sentence.

"You what?" she pushed forward.

"I got drunk and slept with another girl."

I expected a slap. I expected her to get really furious. I thought she'd turn away from the moment those words slipped my mouth but to my surprise, she did none of those things.

"To tell you the truth, I did expect something like this to happen. But what more can I do with my life? I'd rather waste my time on you than suffer through a heart-wrenching heartbreak," she said with a small smile playing across her lips.

"You mean it?" I asked in so much surprise.

"I do," she said connecting our lips. The kiss felt unfamiliar. It was as if I was kissing her for the first time. It was surreal. The whole thing was surreal.

*
It was definitely all too good to be true. That's why when got out of the shower that morning, I picked up a piece of paper, grabbed a pen and wrote about what went down in my head the whole ride home, knowing that the worst was yet to come.