Reckless and Relentless

You can't quit until you try
You can't live until you die
You can't learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie

You can't breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you're the joke
I know some things that you don't
I've done things that you won't

Someone once told me that if you wanted something badly enough and that if you tried your hardest, that you could have it all. I think that person was full of crap because if that was the case my big brother would be right here next to me instead of being lowered in the ground. The one person that I looked up to in the world was gone and was never coming back, I surveyed all of the people that came to pay their respects. It amazed me how many people truly cared about him. I stood silently next to my parents and my sister. I hid my face behind my dark oversized sunglasses, I refused to let myself breakdown in front of everyone. Over the years I've always made the mistake of falling apart and forcing someone else to pick up the broken pieces.

Today was going to be the day where when I fell apart I would be the one that would glue me back together. I watched his closest friends walk up to pay their final respects. These four guys were more than just friends they were family, my brother treated all of them as of they really were his brothers. That's why I loved all of them just as much as my brother did. But it shattered my heart to look at all of them and not to see him with them. As each of them shook my sisters’ hand they stopped and crowded around me and pulled me into the tightest group hug. I knew they were talking to me but it was like my hearing had been shutoff. I just nodded my head and smiled not even sure what I was agreeing to. As they started to walk away, one of them stood behind and just stood there eyeing me. His green eyes stared into mine well as best as he could through my sunglasses, and that's when it happened. He stepped forward pushed my glasses to the top of my head and wrapped his arms around me.

"Don't be afraid to show your emotions, it's ok to cry" he whispered in my ear.

"I won't cry because once I start, I don't think I'll ever be able to stop" I replied softly.

I pulled away slowly gave him one last look pulled my glasses back on my face, and turned around slowly and just walked away. I didn't care that there were still people in line to give their condolences. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts and memories. I could feel the eyes of everyone on my back as I walked away. The small part of me that was always paranoid worried about what horrible things everyone was whispering about me. But just for today I would push those feelings aside I would try not to be the crazy girl that everyone was expecting me to be. Maybe that's what surprised them was that I wasn't being my signature self. I was crazy by nature, I had mood swings that would and have done damage, I was loved by a select few, sometimes hated by most and now I was left with a feeling of being totally alone. The one person that at least understood some of the dumb things that I did was gone and I was left to deal with all my messed up shit on my own and that scared me to death. Who was going to pull me back from the edge when I was teetering towards just jumping off?

I was already borderline unstable before all this shit happened. I was hoping I could hold myself together and not go off the deep end. But my past track record told me otherwise, so everyone will just have to wait and see what I do this time. I'm such a fuck up, have been and probably always will be. I smoke and drink a little too excessively; I take way too many drugs illegal as well as legal. I cut myself just to let the craziness escape from me and the icing on this fantastic cake, I think that I'm in love with one of my brother's best friends. Could my life be anymore imperfect?

I chose to just lie down on a patch of grass and stare at the sky. I rolled up the sleeves of my pretty little black shirt and untucked my shirt from my pants, I was just trying to get rid of the restricted feeling these clothes gave me. I looked down at my left arm so full of scars; I trailed my fingers over some of them. Some of the lines were pink and some were white. Just a sick reminder of how long I've let myself continue down this self destructive path. I shut my eyes and let myself daydream.

"I hope you don't plan on doing anything stupid"

Oh speak of the devil, what is it about those green eyes, it's like he can see straight into my soul. How did he know I was going to do something stupid. Oh wait that's because I usually end up doing something stupid. Well what some would consider stupid I necessarily don't. Then again my plan was to get completely trashed and scattered after this funeral and to forget everything and runaway from the pain in my heart.

"Define stupid, if by stupid you mean what I usually do than yes, that's exactly what I plan on doing, and no one is going to stop me."

"The hell you will, not if I can help it"

"You should know by now my dear Zacky that no one has ever been able to stop me from doing exactly what I want. Not my parents, not my brother and most certainly not you. So if you'll excuse me I'm not trying to be a bitch but I really have to get back."

I got up from the ground and dusted myself off to make sure I didn't have any grass on my clothes. I didn't even bother to pull down my sleeves and tuck my shirt back in. Screw it. I just didn't care if everyone saw my scarred up left arm or my colorfully tattooed right arm. As I slowly tried to walk past him he grabbed my wrist.

"Why won't you let me help you, hell if not me let someone help you"

"Maybe I just don't want help, maybe I just want to spiral out of control." I replied. I pulled my wrist from his hold and walked away and back to the burial site. Just as I got there everyone had said there last goodbyes and everyone looked to me. Talk about all eyes on me, no need to feel awkward at all as everyone stared at my arms and my disheveled clothes. I grabbed one of the flowers from the arrangement next to the coffin and placed it on top of the pile.

I turned to look at the sea of faces that stared back at me, and that was when my knees buckled and I just collapsed. My face would have hit the ground if it weren't for a pair of arms that wrapped themselves around me and held me up. I didn't realize that someone was even that close to me just proves how much I'm not paying attention to my surroundings.

"Now will you let me help you"

Well isn't this just lovely so much for not making a spectacle of myself here. But alas here I stand weak in the knees being held up by Zacky as everyone just stares at us. Why couldn’t I just catch a break this one time?

My name is Danica Aubrey and my brother was James Owen Sullivan and this is my crazy fucked up story. Hope you like an insane wild ride because this will make you feel like your on a disneyland acid trip.