Reckless and Relentless

Amphetamines and jellybeans
She was pretty in her teens
Waiting for the month of come what May
I smelled you on my shirt today
Of course the hardest part is letting go
But you've got to or you know

After the funeral I had everyone insisting I go back to my parents’ house. Let’s just say I would let everyone think that I was going back there but in reality I had no intention of ending up there. That was until I walked to my car and seen Zacky sprawled on the hood of my car. You have got to be kidding me, is this supposed to be like some cosmic joke.

“Seriously now, why are you on my car?” I asked.

“Come on now Dani, I know you better than almost anyone and I could tell by your face that when your mom talked about going back to their house it was written all over it that you had no intention of going there. So I figured I’m come and wait here to make sure you didn’t do anything stupid.” He replied with a smirk.

“Fuckin hell, so I guess the only place you plan on going once you remove your ass from my hood is in my passenger seat I take it.” I mumbled.

“Pretty much”

I just shook my head, Jimmy used to be the only one that could read me so well. I guess I was wrong he wasn’t the only one that could. When Zacky got so good at it, I’ll never know. He may have thought he knew everything but he really didn’t, there are some things that I managed to hide from everyone and I do mean everyone. Well only one person knew everything but that’s only because he never judged me but he was gone now. Zacky knew all the shit I did in the past and some of shit I did now but he didn’t have a clue. I caught him stealing glances at my scarred up arm and could already see the thoughts that were running through his mind.

If only he knew I may not use that way as much anymore to destroy another little piece of myself but let’s just say I’ve found other ways. He may not see fresh cuts on my arm but there are other parts of the body that can be cut just as easily. I couldn’t really pinpoint what caused me to be the way I am I mean I was never abused, I was never molested or anything like that. I guess I was just born fucked up and no one cared enough to try and fix me. Jimmy tried so hard to at least keep me in line and in some ways he did to an extent. But he could never totally fix whatever was wrong with me; he just kept me from going too far.

“Well Baker do you plan on staying on my hood trying to get a tan on your pasty ass, or are you going to get in the car” I asked.

“Where are we going?”

“I planned on going home and changing out of these awful clothes and uncomfortable shoes because if I have to stay in them another minute I’m going to scream. Then after that who knows, I just know that I’m not going to my parent’s house I can’t stand it. I don’t want to be there, I know he’s gone and everyone just wants to mourn. But if one more person comes up to me to talk about Jimmy and how sorry they are I’m going to lose what little sanity I have left.” I replied.

“How about this since I had a feeling you would skip out on your parent’s anyways, we’ll run by your apartment so that you can change and then we can go to my house and just relax. We’ll do whatever you want; you don’t have to go to your parent’s if you don’t want. I just don’t want you to be alone because I have this funny feeling you were going to do something really crazy.” Zacky asked.

This him knowing what I’m going to do before I do it bullshit, is getting old pretty fast. But what can I do he’s already in the car it’s not like I can throw him out, well I could but that would just cause a scene and then people would stare.

“Just out of curiosity, if I wouldn’t have been waiting for you what did you plan on doing after you left here.” He asked.

Oh dear Zacky you really don’t want to know that do you. Even if you did I could never tell you the whole truth, maybe partial truth but never the whole truth.

“Planned on getting totally and utterly inebriated until I couldn’t walk straight and probably wouldn’t remember my own name. Then when I couldn’t remember my own name, I would drink some more and either black out or pass out whichever came first.” I replied bluntly.

“Wow you really are just brutally honest.”

“Come on now; look at how my brother was. I was related to someone who dragged a groupie down through a tour bus saying ‘cocksucking whore coming through’. You should expect nothing less than brutal honesty from me.” I replied with a small smile.

“I remember that day, I almost forgot about that one. That’s Jimmy for you, never knew what he was going to say or do.”

It made me sad to think about Jimmy but then again I could totally picture him doing something like that I just wish I could have been there to see it in person. That’s probably why he never let me hang out with other guys in other bands when I would come to shows, or go to hangout with them on tour. He knew that groupies came with being in a band, and refused to let his baby sister even date a guy in a band. If only he knew that the only guy in a band that I was interested in was in his own band. I’m sure he would have just loved that one.

“Yeah that was Jimmy, that’s why I never got to date boys in bands because once Jimmy knew I was even talking to a boy like that he went and scared the shit out of him and then needless to say said boy never spoke to me again. He always said boys in bands will do nothing but break your heart. You can’t trust them on the road with all the groupies that throw themselves at bands.” I said.

I kept on looking at him out of the corner of my eye and he was giving me looks, like he wanted to say something but didn’t know how to say it. I pulled the car out of its parking spot and started making the drive to my apartment.

“Cat got your tongue over there Zacky; you look like you want to say something.”

“Now it kind of makes sense.” He replied.

“What does?” I asked.

“Well we always asked Jimmy why he stopped letting you come on tour with us. We were all trying to convince him that you’re a riot to have with us on tour; you make it even more fun. But he just said no and now I know why. He was alright with it when you were younger but as you got older and some of the guys in other bands said stuff about you and he caught wind of it. He would go nuts on some of them; we had to break up a few fights because of you.” He replied with smile.

“Sorry I didn’t know I caused such a problem, if I would have known that I would have just stayed home.” I said quietly.

“There’s nothing for you to be sorry about Jimmy loved having you there, but he didn’t like how some of the guys looked at you and some of the things they said about you. I mean it was never anything to bad, just typical guy talk but there were just some things you don’t say about someone’s little sister no matter how hot you think they are, especially when her brother is like right there. When you got older and umm…” He said.

“When I got older what?”

“I’m just going to say it but don’t hit me or anything. When you matured and got boobs and an ass. It got way worse, everyone would run their mouth about you and it got pretty sexual so Jimmy just stopped asking you to come on tour because he didn’t want you around all the horny douche bags. He didn’t want anyone to take advantage of you when he wasn’t around.” Zacky replied.

That was my Jimmy heart of gold always looking out for me, if I knew then that, that is why he didn’t want me to go with them on the road. That wouldn’t have bothered me as much, but he never gave me a reason he just said he didn’t want me there and it kind of hurt my feelings. But I got over it and moved on, it was probably better in the long run because when I did go with them I always just hung out with Zacky. The only one I would have wanted to take advantage of me was him, but he never even tried to kiss me I guess he always seen me as a best friend/little sister. If I would have continued to go with them I probably would have just fallen even more in love with him than I already was.

“So what were some of the things that were said about me anyways, I’m just curious now that you brought this up” I asked.

“Please don’t make me repeat some of the dirty things I’ve heard, it’s just disgusting I mean your one of my best friends.” He replied.

“You don’t have to tell me everything just give me a rough idea of how much of pigs men really are.”

“A few said that you must be a freak in bed because of the tattoos and piercings you have. Someone else said they’d love to see you use that tongue ring of yours on them, that guy got a broken nose when he said that one because Jimmy just happen to be right behind him when he said it. Oh and my all time personal favorite, you look like you could ride a mean dick. That last one I personally made the guy regret saying that, he kind of directed it towards me because you and I were always together so he just assumed we were hooking up. So he just randomly says that to me and I just knocked him out.” He said.

He almost looked like he was blushing because his cheeks got a little pink, was he embarrassed that he said all that stuff to me or because someone actually thought me and him had sex. I busted out laughing. He just looked at me as if I was crazy.

“I don’t know why everyone thought I was such a freak in the bedroom; I didn’t even lose my virginity until I was 19.” I replied.

“Really who was the guy?”

“Honestly this is going to sound bad, but I don’t even remember his name. I thought he was cute and I was at a party and shit just happened. That’s probably the craziest thing I’ve done in the sex department, all of my other sexual encounters have been pretty boring.”

After that enlightening little chat about sex, tours, and groupies, the drive to my apartment was pretty quiet after that. I would have given anything to know what he was thinking but then again maybe I didn’t want to know. Maybe he thought I was stupid for having sex with some random guy for my first time at a party. I really have to stop overanalyzing everything, he could probably care less where and who I lost my virginity to.

Again he had this look on his face like he wanted to say something but was hesitant too. I gave him a look that said just spit it out already.

“You look like your struggling over there Zachary what’s on your mind?” I asked.

“It’s just that I can’t get over, you being a virgin until you were 19. I mean all the times that you and I would just be hanging out and talking about random things and even stuff about sex I just always thought that you had already had sex. I feel kind of bad that I exposed you to some pretty graphic stuff, when we were cuddled up in my bunk.” He said with a laugh.

“Don’t worry you didn’t scar me by telling me some of your sex stories if anything you might have taught me a thing or two of what not to do with a guy.” I replied.

He mumbled something under his breath that I couldn’t quite hear, but before I could ask him to repeat what he said. My apartment complex came into view. When we got to my apartment, I left him with the car still running while I ran in to change. There was no point to him coming in I was just going to change. I probably changed in record time, and was back out the door to my waiting car. When I got in the car, he just stared at me.

“What are you staring at?” I asked.

“I’ve never seen a girl change her clothes that quickly, I didn’t think that it was possible for a girl to do that.” He said. I smacked him on the arm.

“Not all girls take forever to do things.” I replied

I drove straight to his house and parked in his driveway behind his car. I could hear the dogs barking from inside the house. As he got to the door and unlocked it and opened it I was bombarded by his dogs. Lucky for me I’m not afraid of dogs because Majesty alone would scare anyone, but what did you expect she was a great dane who sometimes thought she was a maltese when she tried to sit on your lap. But I loved her just the same even when she was suffocating me with her weight. Can’t forget about Ichabod, he won’t let you as he jumped up to get my attention.

“I swear my dogs like you more than they like me sometimes.” He replied from the door.

“They love you; they just haven’t seen me in a long time that’s all. That’s why their so excited.” I said. I reached down to scratch behind Ichabod’s ears.

We walked in the house; he took a turn and went into the kitchen. I could hear him and it sounded like he was looking for something. When I turned around he reappeared with two glasses and two bottles. One was jack daniels and the other was the largest bottle I’ve ever seen of vodka. I raised one of my eyebrows as if to say ‘what the fuck?’ Not only was I surprised by what he had in his hands but the way he looked, he had taken the suit jacket off and rolled up his sleeves so that his colorful arms were on display, and he had loosened his tie and unbuttoned the two buttons.

“I know you better than you think; I knew this is what you planned on doing the whole time while you were at that service. I watched you the entire time and I could tell you needed a drink just as much as I did. So I figured why get drunk alone why not just do it together.”

Good lord I am so fucked with how much I love this man. God help

Click Me! To Win