Reckless and Relentless

Manage me I'm a mess
Turn a page, I'm a book
Half unread

My head felt like it had been shoved in a vice and squeezed shut over and over again. I knew I had to open my eyes but I was almost afraid to what I was going to see when I did. My stomach rolled and turned I felt the strong urge to vomit but before I could throw up my guts I guess I should figure out where I am and what the hell time it is.

I slowly cracked my eyes open and adjusted my eyes to the dim light in the room. My vision was blurry at first but my eyes started to focus. I looked around the room, all the guys and girls were passed out sleeping in different seats around the room. I slowly started to sit up in the tiny hospital bed, but there was a hand that had a death grip on my left hand. Zacky was sitting in a chair his head resting on one of his arms, he held my hand in his.

I removed my hand from his and managed to sit up without getting to nauseous. My head was throbbing and I was a little disoriented as to what had happened. But I had a really bad feeling that when they realized I was awake. I was going to have a lot of shit to explain. My throat felt dry and scratchy like I had been swallowing gravel. Unfortunately when I removed my hand Zacky's eyes popped open and he sat up quickly.

"What happened?" I asked. My throat felt so raw that it came out as a whisper.

"There are a lot of things that you really need to start explaining" He whispered.
He sat back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest.

"I don't know what you want me to explain."

"Explain to me why I found you unconscious on Brian's bathroom floor or why the hell you have fresh cuts on your leg and hip. How about you explain to me how this is your third time having to have your stomach pumped in this damn ER. Better yet just please tell me why you're doing this to yourself and why Jimmy wouldn't let anyone try to help you" He said. His voice slowly raising.

Now everyone was starting to wake up because of him being loud. Now instead of just having one pair of eyes burning holes into me. I had everyone staring at me waiting for my answer. I really didn't have anything to say what could I say that I was out of control and losing it.

"I don't know what happened, I don't remember very much. I remember getting into a fight with you, you big jackass and then things started to get fuzzy after that." I said.

Before Zacky could say anything Matt placed a hand on his shoulder and gave him a look. The kind of look that almost said be careful of the words you choose to say.

"Well let me refresh your memory" Zacky said. He stood up so quickly that he knocked his chair over.

"Zack watch what you're about to say" Matt said.

"No fuck that shit, I'm going to tell her exactly what happened."

"Let him say what he has to say, let him speak" I replied.

"I found you unconscious on the bathroom floor, you weren't breathing. I had to do CPR until the paramedics came, your heartbeat was so erradic that they had to shock it back to a normal rhythm. Then I had to watch them shove a tube down your throat and suck everything out of your stomach. To add the icing to this fan-fuckin-tastic cake your bloodwork came back, you want to tell us why in the hell you would have so many different drugs in your system, what the fuck are you trying to do to yourself" I asked.

"I made a mistake and mixed too many things, so what no big deal. Let's move on and why are you here anyways. Shouldn't you be with your skank of a girlfriend since her nose is probably broken." I replied dully.

"Dani what is going on with you, I mean we all knew you've experimented with some drugs over the years. But I mean shit you could have killed yourself with all the shit you've been taking" Matt asked.

"I mean we know that this shit has been going on for a while because the ER doctor said that Jimmy always was the one that brought you in. I don't want this to come out wrong I love Jimmy but why would he let you keep doing this to yourself. Why wouldn't he ask for help if he couldn't handle it. How could he let you keep taking all of that shit and keep thinking it was alright." Brian asked.

"He let me because he understood my reasoning as to why I wanted to do this to myself" I replied softly.

"What the fuck could your reasoning possibly be for doing this kind of shit to yourself?" Zacky asked.

"You know you're really starting to piss me off, you know that Baker. Why don't you just get the hell out of here, because you made you're choice earlier. So why should you care about what I do to myself." I spat.

"Let's not get into that right now, there really are more important things that we really need to talk about." Matt interjected. That silenced Zacky from starting an argument that would surely have ended up being a major knock down drag out fight.

"You may not want to talk to us about why you insist on doing this to yourself, but you need help. You can't keep this up you're losing control, I mean eventually you're going to take it too far. None of us want to see that happen to you, we all care about you too much." Brian said as he sat at the edge of the bed.

I just stared off into space for a few minutes just letting my mind wander off and go back in time. Sometimes all it takes is an insignificant event to change someone,well what would be insignificant to one person might be important to another. All it takes is one little seed to be planted in one's mind.The mind can be a wonderfully dangerous thing, it can make you be the happiest person or it can make you turn on yourself and make you do very stupid things. Hiding such a seemingly little secret in the darkest corners of your mind is never healthy or smart. But obviously lately my mind isn't in such a healthy and smart place. Something that if anyone knew,they would just think it was so stupid and unimportant. But to me that seemingly small seed that was purposely planted in my mind back when I was 19 festered and multiplied and turned me into what I unfortunately am today. That's why I like to just escape from myself and what better way than to take a cocktail of drugs. I'd rather be numb and out of my mind than be in my own skin. I was never this stupid when it came to my well being but lately I just seem to care less and less. With Jimmy being gone was there really anything worth sticking around for. He really was one of the only reasons that kept me from taking things too far. The snapping of someone's fingers in front of my face snapped me out of my daze.

"You still with us, you spaced out there for a little while on us" Matt said.

"Just thinking about some things" I replied.

"Well we really need to talk about what you're going to do" Val said.

"We know how stubborn you can be but you have to admit you need help" Brian said.

"Guys really there is nothing for you to worry about, I'm perfectly fine.I just took things way too far. I've just had a lot to deal with you all know that Jimmy passing away really screwed me up." I said.

"We all understand that it's hard dealing with Jimmy's death but this has been going on way before Jimmy died. We can't keep letting you take all the shit you've been taking. You need help and we're going to make sure that you get it" Val said.

"Guys I really don't think that is necessary."

"Whether you like it or not you can either go willingly or you can be forced to go. That doctor won't let you just walk out of here. She's already said that if you won't agree to go she'll admit you involuntarily." Zacky said.

"Are you freakin kidding me, she can't do that." I replied.

"She can and she will, I asked her to not to force you to do anything that you didn't want to.That is until we all could talk to you and try to convince you to just go on your own. But if you're going to be stubborn about it, she will just make you go." Zacky said.

I looked around the room at everyone as they stared back at me. How did everything get so screwed up, how am I going to get out of this mess. I really didn't want to be dragged off to rehab and look like a crazy person. But if I did go to rehab secrets would come out that I've tried very hard to hide for a long time. Things that even Jimmy never knew, maybe if I had told him maybe things would have been different, who knows maybe I'd be a hell of a lot different than I am now.