Lost Without You

Eighteen months. That’s how long it’d been since Brian walked out the door. Zack had kept count.
For the first five months without Brian, Zack was broken. He couldn’t function at all. He couldn’t bare get out of bed, and face the world. It’d taken three days for Zack’s friends to realize he wasn’t there. Matt had offered to take Zack in, because there was no way Zack could possibly live on his own when he was so lost. Zack didn’t really have a say in where he was to go. He’d barely comprehended that someone was speaking to him.
Zack’s apartment was sold back to the owner, all of his belongings were moved into a storage shed downtown. Not that he really cared. All he did for five months was lay in bed and cry. Matt had to force him to eat, fearing for his friend. Zack had lost far too much weight, and it scared Matt.
Matt didn’t want to leave Zack on his own during the day, but he had to. He had to work. Before he left each morning, he’d leave a plate of toast on Zack’s beside table, and a plate of sandwiches on the kitchen counter, in case Zack decided to eat. Though, when he came home each evening, the food was untouched. Matt would make dinner, and sit with Zack on the bed, making sure he ate at least a few bites before he took the plate. He feared for his friends’ health, for his sanity.
Zack hadn’t spoken since Brian had left. The only noise that would leave his throat were the heart-breaking sobs he’d let go of when he thought Matt was asleep.

It was on the five month mark that Matt noticed a change in Zack. He’d left breakfast and lunch out, like usual. When he came home, he expected to see them untouched. But, to his surprise, the sandwiches were nibbled on, and the plate he’d given Zack for breakfast was on the kitchen table, empty. The sight of that made Matt smile, and he went upstairs, hoping to see Zack awake. He almost had a heart attack when he saw Zack’s bed empty when he opened the bedroom door. The covers were tucked in perfectly, un-creased, like no-one had ever touched them. In a panic, he searched the house. The bedrooms were empty, as was the bathroom and laundry. And, as he gnawed on his bottom lip, wondering where on Earth Zack would have gone, he heard a soft noise. He followed it, unsure what else there was to do.
From the basement, he could hear a soft melody. He walked down the stairs quietly, listening to the soft song played on the ancient piano he’d been given.
Zack sat on the piano bench, his fingers slowly dancing over the keys. His eyes were closed, and red-rimmed. Matt didn’t dare move from his spot, slightly entranced in the sight before him.
Zack made no noise. He didn’t sing, or hum. He just played, his heart falling into his hands.
Matt didn’t recognize the song Zack played, though he doubted he would. The song was from Zack’s mind, all his worries and sorrows played out in a beautiful tune.
Zack could sense someone else in the room with him, and he stopped playing. His eyes didn’t open. He couldn’t face his friend.
Zack had woken that morning, more awake than usual. He’d had a song playing in his mind for a while, and it usually lulled him to sleep. Though, that morning, all he wanted to do was play it. And, for the first time since he’d been taken in by Matt, he noticed the food next to him. It was cold, but it still felt wonderful in his aching stomach.
No words were spoken when Zack finally opened his eyes. Matt just smiled at his friend, and left the basement. Zack didn’t resume his melody. He couldn’t.
That night, Zack joined Matt for dinner at the kitchen table. He felt more alive, though he still kept his silence.

And, for months, that was how the days played out. Zack would wake up and eat, then play his song. It changed a little each day, with his emotions. He still missed Brian terribly, but he was coping better. He didn’t mope around and just cry. He made himself useful. He cleaned some days, feeling a little better once he’d helped Matt out a little. And, some days, he let Matt listen to his song.

Matt was pleased with his friends’ improvement. Zack had gained some weight, and no longer looked like a walking skeleton. He smiled a little when Matt came home, and even thanked him, with actual words, when dinner was served.
Matt no longer feared leaving Zack alone. Sometimes he’d call during the day, just to make sure Zack was okay, but he didn’t have that nagging feeling in his heart that something was wrong. He didn’t come home, worried that he was going to find Zack on the bathroom floor, or in the closet.
Though, on the outside, Zack was returning to normal, he still felt broken inside. He was counting again. A year. One year without Brian. Zack hid it well, but Matt could still see the pain radiating from the smaller mans body when the day came. He’d expected to come home and find Zack in bed again, his food uneaten. But, Zack was downstairs, playing on that old piano. It was the only thing keeping him sane. Matt was keeping him alive, but he would have lost his mind without that piano.

Matt felt horrible. He felt like he was deceiving his friend. His still hurting friend.
Months before, Matt had searched for Brian, hoping to find the man, and make him pay for nearly destroying Zack. Though, he’d given up. His only reliable source had flaked out. He’d never told Zack about trying to find Brian, because he wouldn’t dare speak that name. He’d let it slip, just once, and the sight of Zack’s face made him die a little inside. That name, that one word, had cause Zack pain. He had flinched, and curled in on himself, like a turtle. He refused to come out of his shell for days.
But, seventeen months after Brian had walked out, Matt had received a call. He was at home, with Zack. They were watching some stupid show on TV. Neither were really watching it, but it created a noise, and that was what they needed. The shrill ring of the phone made them both jump, breaking them both from their thoughts.
Matt had taken the phone out of the room to talk, while Zack stayed on the couch, watching the characters on TV. He had no clue what the show was about, but he watched anyway. The TV was quiet, but still loud enough to cover Matt’s voice. He wanted to scream at the other man on the phone, but he didn’t want Zack to hear. He didn’t want Zack to know.
Though, Zack didn’t find anything out of the ordinary when Matt came back, he did notice something each night, when that phone rang at exactly eight o’clock. Zack had attempted to answer it once, but Matt had been two steps ahead. Zack never questioned Matt. He never asked who was on the phone, and he never asked why he was forbidden to answer it. He’d come to terms with things. If Matt didn’t say anything, Zack didn’t need to know.

It was the night of the eighteenth month that Zack finally found out who was calling for weeks on end. Matt had gone out to buy groceries, after he’d unplugged the house phone, of course. Zack didn’t question him. He just played the piano. The song he played now was still sad, but more upbeat. He was getting over it. He still hurt, but he was happy.
He’d been so into his song that he didn’t hear a knock at the door, or the footsteps over him. He didn’t hear the basement door open, but he did hear his name. His name spoken in that oh too familiar voice. His fingers stopped on the keys, one note being held too long. His heart just shattered, the already broken pieces crumbling into dust. His name slipped from those lips again, and his fists clenched, his chest aching.
Zack heard an intake of breath, but the words spoken were drowned by an almighty scream. The noise had shocked Zack. He turned just in time to see Brian fall to the hard ground, Matt standing over him.
Zack couldn’t understand a thing Matt was screaming at Brian. He was still in shock over Brian.
Blood dripped down Brian’s face, and he, too, seemed too shocked to understand what Matt screamed at him.
Matt, who had readied his fist, gripped the front of Brian’s shirt, lifting him from the ground. Something in Zack seemed to snap, and he lurched forward, forcing his way between his friend and ex-boyfriend. He hated Brian, yes, but he couldn’t bear to see him hurt.
It took all Zack had to shove Matt backwards, away from Brian’s fallen body. He struggled with the bigger man, who still tried to get at Brian. He wanted to hurt him, to cause him some of the pain he’d caused Zack.
In the time it took Zack to shove Matt back, Brian was on his feet, his hands up in surrender. He begged for them to listened, to let him explain. And that was all Zack wanted. An explanation. He wanted to know why.
And, after a little coaxing, Zack had Matt sitting, with Brian explaining everything.
For the first time since Brian had left, Zack felt complete. Brian had told him why he left, and apologized for it. Thought, Matt was not as easily pleased. He wanted Brian to know what he’d done, what he had left behind. And he told him, shouting out Zack’s pain. Zack had dropped his head. He hated to hear his most painful moments just let out there. Brian, though, was angry, at himself. He’d never stopped to think what leaving Zack would do. He’d been selfish, and broken the one person who would ever love him for who he was.
For a moment, they all sat in silence. Matt had screamed his lungs out, and he could barely breathe. Zack just couldn’t look up. He was embarrassed and ashamed. Brian felt horrible, and was the first to break the silence, with a chorus of apologies to Zack.

‘Can you ever forgive me, Zack?’ Brian whispered, as he knelt beside Zack. He refused to touch him, knowing he’d already upset him.

‘I-I… I don’t know.’ Zack whispered, his eyes threatening to tear up. His hands were clenched so tight, his skin bleached.
‘All I know is I’m lost without you.’

‘I’m here, Zack. I’ll never leave you again.’ Brian promised, his heart and soul vowed.
Zack couldn’t forgive Brian, not so soon, not after everything, but he tried. And Brian kept his promise. He waited for Zack, until he was ready, until he was sure he could trust Brian again.

If I could only hold you now
make the pain just go away
can't stop the tears from running down my face.