Who Knew.
Here I Am...
“I didn’t understand why you apologized that night—I know now it was because of the ambulance. The next morning when I woke up I was alone in the psychiatric ward of the hospital. My mother wanted me watched constantly and only let out when the doctors deemed me fit for release. I was in there almost a year; ten months, two weeks and three days. I drew a lot while in there; a lot of you actually. I couldn’t talk about you to anyone; the doctors didn’t like that. One finally got me to open up about you.”
I could hear his voice breaking; almost hear his tears building up—he was doing exactly what I feared he would do. Forgive me and then open his heart to me. I watched as my fingers fidgeted with each other, my feet shuffled on the floor beneath me; my heart still pounding.
“I, I told them you were my boyfriend, at the time I went in you were. I told them you probably forgot all about me and have someone who actually deserves you, someone who treats you how you should’ve been treated. I told them you’re the only best friend I’ve got that’s not family. They knew all about Mikey and me, but it wasn’t until a month before I left that I talked about you. They always questioned who the beautiful boy I drew repeatedly was; what he meant to me. It wasn’t until I called my mom to let her know I was out that Mikey answered the phone.”
I felt my own eyes swell with excess water—stupid emotions. I wish I didn’t feel anything right now. I still haven’t looked at him; he hasn’t looked at me either. I know the night he’s talking about.
“He, he told me he hated me. I was stupid and selfish and ruined everything and he wished I actually died that night. He yelled at me for hurting him so much, for hurting our mom, for hurting you—everyone really. He told me about the fights you got in over me—I wish you didn’t defend me like that. I didn’t deserve it. ‘Gerard I don’t ever want to see you again, I’ll slam the door in your face if you ever show your face at home again I mean it.’ That’s the last thing he said to me since seeing him today. Of course ma says he tells me ‘hi’ all the time, I know she’s using empty words.”
I was there that night; the night Mikey told him he hated him. We both held each other as we cried to sleep over his brother—we didn’t care it had been almost a year since it happened. I felt his eyes on me and I slowly lifted my head to meet his gaze. His cheeks were stained with tears as more silently fell from his eyes; his eyes ached for me to forgive him.
“I went to a group home outside New York; my mom didn’t want me home, near my brother. She was afraid I’d ruin him, taint him with my sins. She told me how close you and he got; how he was always the best friend I never was to you. She always rubbed it in my face, for an entire year she rubbed it in my face the failure I knew I was—never admitted I was. She told me she never felt sorry for me, never sorry that I wanted to take my own life. ‘How can I pity such a selfish creature?’ She asked me that every time she answered my call.”
My tears finally fell; he still loved me, I could feel it surrounding us in the tiny space of his car. I could feel it in every word he spoke and it shined through his eyes like the midday sun.
“She told me she never stopped loving me, I’d always be her son, but I had to fix myself before I did anything with my life—so I did. I got my GED, went to art school and worked before I came home today. Mikey kept his promise, he slammed the door in my face; my heart stopped when I saw you today. I can’t lie to you, I never could. I saw the broken boy I left behind, I saw the tattered heart you wore on your sleeve and I knew that was because of me—I did that to you.”
I turned away from him and looked out of the window as more tears fell down my cheeks; I don’t love him. I don’t.
“You didn’t even look at me; you brushed past me without a glance as you rushed out of the door. I watched as my brother’s hand was laced in your own before you embraced your friends. Ma told me you’re just friends and you’d consider it incest to harbor those thoughts for him—I still couldn’t help but feel jealous. I walked away from, no, I was taken away from you in an ambulance as your boyfriend. I have to say this now before it tears me apart even more than it already has; I love you.”
I closed my eyes at those words; this was a dream, when I open my eyes I’ll be in bed, I’ll be anywhere but here.
“I do, I love you. I haven’t stopped, I can’t say my feelings have grown, I don’t know you, but I know I still love you. I don’t expect a second chance from you; you’ve given me more than enough chances, let alone my life back—I could never make it up to you. I got clean too, in the hopes that my mother would pass it on to you and Mikes and give you both hope that the monster I had become was slowly returning to its cage. She always told me that wasn’t her place to tell you guys things—she never did either.”
She did—once—the day he got let out of the hospital she told us. That was an hour before he called and Mikey yelled at him for the first time. I cried myself to sleep that night—just like I have for the pastthree years.
“I don’t really know what else to say, I’m sorry seems so overrated and overused I’m afraid you might think I don’t mean it. I hope one day you can forgive me, I’m not sure why Mikey was so quick to forgive me tonight—I’m glad he did, I, I just didn’t expect it so soon. I am sorry though, for everything. Hurting you like I know I did, never calling you or writing you—for everything.”
I finally opened my eyes and turned back to face him. He was looking down at his own hands, fidgeting with his fingers. He brought one of his delicate hands up to wipe his cheeks and then he finally started the car. It roared to life and he reversed out of this space. He drove, keeping his eyes on the road the entire time—waiting for me to say something—anything. It wasn’t until we had parked behind Ray’s car at the ice cream parlor that I opened my mouth.
I could hear his voice breaking; almost hear his tears building up—he was doing exactly what I feared he would do. Forgive me and then open his heart to me. I watched as my fingers fidgeted with each other, my feet shuffled on the floor beneath me; my heart still pounding.
“I, I told them you were my boyfriend, at the time I went in you were. I told them you probably forgot all about me and have someone who actually deserves you, someone who treats you how you should’ve been treated. I told them you’re the only best friend I’ve got that’s not family. They knew all about Mikey and me, but it wasn’t until a month before I left that I talked about you. They always questioned who the beautiful boy I drew repeatedly was; what he meant to me. It wasn’t until I called my mom to let her know I was out that Mikey answered the phone.”
I felt my own eyes swell with excess water—stupid emotions. I wish I didn’t feel anything right now. I still haven’t looked at him; he hasn’t looked at me either. I know the night he’s talking about.
“He, he told me he hated me. I was stupid and selfish and ruined everything and he wished I actually died that night. He yelled at me for hurting him so much, for hurting our mom, for hurting you—everyone really. He told me about the fights you got in over me—I wish you didn’t defend me like that. I didn’t deserve it. ‘Gerard I don’t ever want to see you again, I’ll slam the door in your face if you ever show your face at home again I mean it.’ That’s the last thing he said to me since seeing him today. Of course ma says he tells me ‘hi’ all the time, I know she’s using empty words.”
I was there that night; the night Mikey told him he hated him. We both held each other as we cried to sleep over his brother—we didn’t care it had been almost a year since it happened. I felt his eyes on me and I slowly lifted my head to meet his gaze. His cheeks were stained with tears as more silently fell from his eyes; his eyes ached for me to forgive him.
“I went to a group home outside New York; my mom didn’t want me home, near my brother. She was afraid I’d ruin him, taint him with my sins. She told me how close you and he got; how he was always the best friend I never was to you. She always rubbed it in my face, for an entire year she rubbed it in my face the failure I knew I was—never admitted I was. She told me she never felt sorry for me, never sorry that I wanted to take my own life. ‘How can I pity such a selfish creature?’ She asked me that every time she answered my call.”
My tears finally fell; he still loved me, I could feel it surrounding us in the tiny space of his car. I could feel it in every word he spoke and it shined through his eyes like the midday sun.
“She told me she never stopped loving me, I’d always be her son, but I had to fix myself before I did anything with my life—so I did. I got my GED, went to art school and worked before I came home today. Mikey kept his promise, he slammed the door in my face; my heart stopped when I saw you today. I can’t lie to you, I never could. I saw the broken boy I left behind, I saw the tattered heart you wore on your sleeve and I knew that was because of me—I did that to you.”
I turned away from him and looked out of the window as more tears fell down my cheeks; I don’t love him. I don’t.
“You didn’t even look at me; you brushed past me without a glance as you rushed out of the door. I watched as my brother’s hand was laced in your own before you embraced your friends. Ma told me you’re just friends and you’d consider it incest to harbor those thoughts for him—I still couldn’t help but feel jealous. I walked away from, no, I was taken away from you in an ambulance as your boyfriend. I have to say this now before it tears me apart even more than it already has; I love you.”
I closed my eyes at those words; this was a dream, when I open my eyes I’ll be in bed, I’ll be anywhere but here.
“I do, I love you. I haven’t stopped, I can’t say my feelings have grown, I don’t know you, but I know I still love you. I don’t expect a second chance from you; you’ve given me more than enough chances, let alone my life back—I could never make it up to you. I got clean too, in the hopes that my mother would pass it on to you and Mikes and give you both hope that the monster I had become was slowly returning to its cage. She always told me that wasn’t her place to tell you guys things—she never did either.”
She did—once—the day he got let out of the hospital she told us. That was an hour before he called and Mikey yelled at him for the first time. I cried myself to sleep that night—just like I have for the pastthree years.
“I don’t really know what else to say, I’m sorry seems so overrated and overused I’m afraid you might think I don’t mean it. I hope one day you can forgive me, I’m not sure why Mikey was so quick to forgive me tonight—I’m glad he did, I, I just didn’t expect it so soon. I am sorry though, for everything. Hurting you like I know I did, never calling you or writing you—for everything.”
I finally opened my eyes and turned back to face him. He was looking down at his own hands, fidgeting with his fingers. He brought one of his delicate hands up to wipe his cheeks and then he finally started the car. It roared to life and he reversed out of this space. He drove, keeping his eyes on the road the entire time—waiting for me to say something—anything. It wasn’t until we had parked behind Ray’s car at the ice cream parlor that I opened my mouth.