Who Knew.
You Need Him...
Mikey giggled and Ray smiled; Bob looked lost—I didn’t dare look at Gerard’s face.
“You play what?”
“She’s my guitar. I love her more than life itself. She’s what keeps me alive mostly, keeps me sane even. Without her I’d probably die; she’s my oxygen in this polluted world we live in—my fresh air. She’s the apple of my eye—the wind benea—“
“Enough, we get it.”
I laughed into Mikey’s neck, hugging him tighter to me. He was so cuddly, and so comfortable to cuddle with. I love cuddling with my friends; it’s so relaxing and a good feeling to know you’re not alone. I love it actually. He began to rub my back, something he did to relax me, calm me down. I chanced a glance at Gerard, he was still glaring at his brother—Mikey didn’t seem to be noticing or he chose to ignore it.
“Would you like to play rhythm parts to my lead then Frankie?”
I nodded.
“It would only be fair, I mean it’s your thing, I shouldn’t just come out of no where and take lead, plus I like rhythm parts better. I can put my heart and soul into it; not saying you can’t, but I like to have fun when I play.”
I felt Mikey’s chest heave as he chuckled at my response. He knew all too well how I could get when I played my guitar with all my heart and soul. We spent the next hour talking about music, favorite and least favorite artists, songs, rifts, solos—anything really. Pansy was what saved me the night I got home from the fair—that night. I picked her up that Friday night and I didn’t put her down till I left for school Monday morning.
“You alright?”
Mikey whispered in my ear as we were crammed in the back of Ray’s car. He sat in the middle so I didn’t have to sit next to his brother. I kept my head on his shoulder the entire time. I shook my head; I wasn’t alright, I didn’t know when I’d be alright again.
“Want me to stay over tonight? I’ll tell Gee to let ma know.”
I nodded and nuzzled into his neck as he put an arm around my shoulders.
“Gee, tell Ma I’m staying at Frankie’s and I’ll be home tomorrow.”
He must’ve nodded because I didn’t hear a response from him and Mikey returned to holding me to his side. Ray dropped us off first; Mikey and I headed straight towards my room. I felt the familiar tightening of my chest, the water building up behind my eyes—my wall was crumbling and it was crumbling fast. I threw myself on my bed as Mikey shut my bedroom door and I let everything out. I’ve never broken down about this—ever—not till now.
I felt the bed sink where Mikey sat down, he lay down next to me and pulled me to him and just let me sob into his chest. Never giving me empty words of comfort, just rubbing my back and letting me sob. I’m not sure how long we stayed like that, but once my tears subsided a little and my breathing became somewhat normal I spoke.
“How come we never talked about that night before Mikes? He was our best friend, my boyfriend at the time, but still, he was our best friend. Neither of us saw what he was doing to himself; he hid it so well. Did you ever hate yourself, for, for not seeing it sooner? For not realizing it until it was too late? I did.”
“Frankie, I, I don’t know why we never talked about it. Yeah, yeah I hated myself for the longest time; that night I yelled at him, that night, if you weren’t there that night I’d have done something stupid. My own brother wanted to take his life and I was oblivious to his downward spiral—I didn’t know. I didn’t know how to live with that; I mean I know it’s selfish, that’s why I yelled at him, but I, I just, I knew what it felt like to have that as your only option and I couldn’t see it with my own brother.”
I pulled him closer to me as I felt his own tears meet the top of my head, my own adding to the already fallen on his shirt.
“Why were you so quick to forgive him tonight?”
“I didn’t want to; I want to hate him, be mad at him for being so stupid, so selfish—but I can’t. I guess I know deep down there’s something here that’s keeping him alive, something that makes him not take the second chance he’s been given for granted. He’s changed, I noticed it the moment I opened the door today, he’s not the same boy we turned our backs on three years ago. That boy died the day my brother was loaded into the ambulance; the boy that’s in my house isn’t scared of life anymore. He isn’t scared to live his life.”
“He said he still loves me—he doesn’t even know me.”
I felt the small circles on my lower back as Mikey rubbed in a comforting manner.
“You were the first person he ever truly loved Frankie; no one forgets their first love—not like that. I know he’s jealous of how we interact, you had to be blind, no even then I’m sure you could’ve seen the way he was killing me painfully and slowly with his eyes tonight. The curt nod he gave when I told him I was coming here; he wants to know you inside out like I do. He’s missed you, a lot; I could tell the moment he laid eyes on you when he came in the house today. I saw him, the boy we knew, shining in his eyes. When he said your name I heard it, I felt it; I knew he still loved you and he had just fallen in love with you again.”
“How do you know that?! You’ve hardly talked to him all day!”
I felt him tense beneath me; I was angry—how dare he tell me who his brother is, he doesn’t know his brother, I don’t even know his brother anymore.
“Frankie, I, I, I just do. He’s my brother; we’ve always been able to read each other like books. He knows I love you, he can read that plain as day across my face, but he can’t decipher if it’s romantic or plutonic and that’s what bothers him. I’ve never looked at you the way he has today; I never could look at you that way, you’re amazing don’t get me wrong, I’m just not into you that way. We need to let go Frankie, as hard as it’s going to be, we need to let go—he has. Quick glance you can tell he’s had a hard life, he’s been through some stuff, but he’s also got something that to him, is worth living for—you.”
“You play what?”
“She’s my guitar. I love her more than life itself. She’s what keeps me alive mostly, keeps me sane even. Without her I’d probably die; she’s my oxygen in this polluted world we live in—my fresh air. She’s the apple of my eye—the wind benea—“
“Enough, we get it.”
I laughed into Mikey’s neck, hugging him tighter to me. He was so cuddly, and so comfortable to cuddle with. I love cuddling with my friends; it’s so relaxing and a good feeling to know you’re not alone. I love it actually. He began to rub my back, something he did to relax me, calm me down. I chanced a glance at Gerard, he was still glaring at his brother—Mikey didn’t seem to be noticing or he chose to ignore it.
“Would you like to play rhythm parts to my lead then Frankie?”
I nodded.
“It would only be fair, I mean it’s your thing, I shouldn’t just come out of no where and take lead, plus I like rhythm parts better. I can put my heart and soul into it; not saying you can’t, but I like to have fun when I play.”
I felt Mikey’s chest heave as he chuckled at my response. He knew all too well how I could get when I played my guitar with all my heart and soul. We spent the next hour talking about music, favorite and least favorite artists, songs, rifts, solos—anything really. Pansy was what saved me the night I got home from the fair—that night. I picked her up that Friday night and I didn’t put her down till I left for school Monday morning.
“You alright?”
Mikey whispered in my ear as we were crammed in the back of Ray’s car. He sat in the middle so I didn’t have to sit next to his brother. I kept my head on his shoulder the entire time. I shook my head; I wasn’t alright, I didn’t know when I’d be alright again.
“Want me to stay over tonight? I’ll tell Gee to let ma know.”
I nodded and nuzzled into his neck as he put an arm around my shoulders.
“Gee, tell Ma I’m staying at Frankie’s and I’ll be home tomorrow.”
He must’ve nodded because I didn’t hear a response from him and Mikey returned to holding me to his side. Ray dropped us off first; Mikey and I headed straight towards my room. I felt the familiar tightening of my chest, the water building up behind my eyes—my wall was crumbling and it was crumbling fast. I threw myself on my bed as Mikey shut my bedroom door and I let everything out. I’ve never broken down about this—ever—not till now.
I felt the bed sink where Mikey sat down, he lay down next to me and pulled me to him and just let me sob into his chest. Never giving me empty words of comfort, just rubbing my back and letting me sob. I’m not sure how long we stayed like that, but once my tears subsided a little and my breathing became somewhat normal I spoke.
“How come we never talked about that night before Mikes? He was our best friend, my boyfriend at the time, but still, he was our best friend. Neither of us saw what he was doing to himself; he hid it so well. Did you ever hate yourself, for, for not seeing it sooner? For not realizing it until it was too late? I did.”
“Frankie, I, I don’t know why we never talked about it. Yeah, yeah I hated myself for the longest time; that night I yelled at him, that night, if you weren’t there that night I’d have done something stupid. My own brother wanted to take his life and I was oblivious to his downward spiral—I didn’t know. I didn’t know how to live with that; I mean I know it’s selfish, that’s why I yelled at him, but I, I just, I knew what it felt like to have that as your only option and I couldn’t see it with my own brother.”
I pulled him closer to me as I felt his own tears meet the top of my head, my own adding to the already fallen on his shirt.
“Why were you so quick to forgive him tonight?”
“I didn’t want to; I want to hate him, be mad at him for being so stupid, so selfish—but I can’t. I guess I know deep down there’s something here that’s keeping him alive, something that makes him not take the second chance he’s been given for granted. He’s changed, I noticed it the moment I opened the door today, he’s not the same boy we turned our backs on three years ago. That boy died the day my brother was loaded into the ambulance; the boy that’s in my house isn’t scared of life anymore. He isn’t scared to live his life.”
“He said he still loves me—he doesn’t even know me.”
I felt the small circles on my lower back as Mikey rubbed in a comforting manner.
“You were the first person he ever truly loved Frankie; no one forgets their first love—not like that. I know he’s jealous of how we interact, you had to be blind, no even then I’m sure you could’ve seen the way he was killing me painfully and slowly with his eyes tonight. The curt nod he gave when I told him I was coming here; he wants to know you inside out like I do. He’s missed you, a lot; I could tell the moment he laid eyes on you when he came in the house today. I saw him, the boy we knew, shining in his eyes. When he said your name I heard it, I felt it; I knew he still loved you and he had just fallen in love with you again.”
“How do you know that?! You’ve hardly talked to him all day!”
I felt him tense beneath me; I was angry—how dare he tell me who his brother is, he doesn’t know his brother, I don’t even know his brother anymore.
“Frankie, I, I, I just do. He’s my brother; we’ve always been able to read each other like books. He knows I love you, he can read that plain as day across my face, but he can’t decipher if it’s romantic or plutonic and that’s what bothers him. I’ve never looked at you the way he has today; I never could look at you that way, you’re amazing don’t get me wrong, I’m just not into you that way. We need to let go Frankie, as hard as it’s going to be, we need to let go—he has. Quick glance you can tell he’s had a hard life, he’s been through some stuff, but he’s also got something that to him, is worth living for—you.”