Who Knew.

“Erm, if you guys are going to have some mad make-out session, could you please not do it on top of me?”

I finally tore my gaze away from his warm, hazel eyes and glanced down at Mikey. I quickly removed myself from him and shuffled back till I hit the wall behind me and just stared at them. Gerard shuffled off of Mikey and retreated to across the room on the futon and Mikey just continued to lie on his back; laughter dying to escape the confines of his mouth.

“Seriously, you guys need to work something out. I know things were left off rather difficult, but I mean, we’re not those kids anymore guys, we’ve all grown up, changed a little. I’m going downstairs, you guys talk things out—you need to.”

He sat up and turned around and climbed off my bed and walked out of the door, closing it behind him. I sat in the corner of my room staring across the room at Gerard. We couldn’t just go back to that night, to what we had. That would be so unfair for the both of us. The boy who, well the young man that was across my room, staring me down, measuring me up it seemed—I didn’t know him. I only know the person he used to be, I don’t know how much of that boy is still inside of the form my eyes couldn’t tear themselves away from.

Neither wanted to make the first move that was certain; we each would open and close our mouths—both looking like fish. My mind processed a million thoughts, rapidly going between going downstairs and staying up here and learning what it is that’s between the person across from me. If he was looking for my wall it was beyond repair, there was no building it back up, not now.

“This is stupid. Frankie, I don’t expect us to just go back to how things were but you’ve got to realize, I, I walked away from you as your boyfriend. We never really called it quits, and it really hasn’t quit for me. Ma always talked about you when you were out with Mikes and I had caught her alone; she told me all about your schooling, your visits to Mikey some weekends. How much you still loved to play your guitar, how into music you were to really care about anything else. How despite your broken demeanor you still remained yourself.”

He pulled his knees to his chest and rested his head on his arms as he looked at me, watching my reaction to his words.

“The only difference you’ll find in me is that I’m actually happy to still be alive. Not many people get second chances at life and you gave me mine. It wasn’t easy coming to terms with the fact that I still wanted to live, but, but you have to know Frankie, you’ve got to know that if I could take it all back I could. I’d take back every ounce of pain, loneliness, every bad thing you’ve had to deal with, I’d take it back if I could. I can’t though; we both know that.”

He brought a hand and wiped away tears I couldn’t see. I let my own fall onto my shirt, my legs folded in front of me, my hands fidgeting with each other on my lap.

“This may sound cheesy and like some stupid cliché moment, but Frankie you’re first and foremost my best friend, I just so happen to have fallen in love with you at some point down the road. I screwed up, I know that—big time—but I also know that if I ask for you to give me a second chance at what we did have I’d be pathetic. Asking you for a chance at what we could have, well that’s something else entirely.”

I looked down at the floor; my heart was screaming at my brain, yelling at how stupid I am. How pathetic I am for wanting to yell out no when I know all I want is for him to look into my eyes and know that he’s always had me—he’ll always have me.

“I’m not saying start over, I’m saying that despite moving on with my life—getting better, working and making other friends, you’re still the one thing I didn’t want to let go of. Letting go of you, it, it meant that, that summer would have meant nothing to me. We learned a lot about each other that summer than we had in our entire friendship so far; to just let that go, to have that mean so little in my life, would mean I’m taking this second chance for granted. Wow that sounds really shitty if I do say so, but what I’m trying to say is I love you and I, I never stopped.”

He got up and walked over to me, lifting my head to meet his gaze as he spoke those last few words to me. He meant it, all of it. You had to be a complete idiot if you couldn’t catch the sincerity in his voice—a fucking idiot. I did the only thing I could think of, I grabbed him and placed my lips on his own. That spark that ignited throughout my entire body came to life—full throttle. The butterflies that had remained dormant in my stomach were fluttering to life and letting me know that this was right. My heart raced and stopped all at the same time; screaming obscenities at my brain for making me want to stop this.

My tears still fell down my cheeks as our lips molded together as one, fitting perfectly together as they always had. My hands finding their familiar places on his body—the back of his neck and his left hip; his own finding my lower back, rubbing those familiar small circles that always made me melt—it was like my body was alive again. The raw emotions running through me, the pure love that I once held took over and flowed through my body as my blood rushes to each and every nook and cranny of my body, from my head to my toes—I felt it.

His hands roamed my body, one up my back to gently cup my cheek as the other slid down to my hip; pulling me up to meet him as we knelt on my bed. I pulled away; the need for oxygen was great. My chest heaved as I rest my forehead against his own as we stared into each others eyes. His eyes were pleading with me, for me to say something, do something that proved to him that I understood and accepted what he was asking of me. Could I really do this again—could I really give my shattered heart back to him, the one he broke?

I backed away from him—fear and sorrow coursed through his being—I took his hands in my own and looked him dead in the eye; I meant what I was about to say. I took a deep breath as my thoughts collected themselves and my breath regulated back to normal—his doing the same. I had never felt so much feeling in a kiss than the one we just shared—ever.

“When you look me in the eyes, and tell me that you love me; everything’s alright. Stupid I know, the best thing I can say to you right now aren’t even my own words; but I mean them. Gee, I couldn’t start over; we’ve been through too much to just start over. I know you didn’t ask to, but I had to say that, it was there. For the longest time after that night I had no idea if you wanted to live—I punched kids out for telling me you’d be dead and gone by now—dead Gee. I had to immerse myself into school and working and Pansy to forget you were what once brought the life out of me. I honestly couldn’t go back to what we had—I can’t.”

The next few words were the hardest for me to spit out. The silence that filled the space between us was deafening. I watched in horror as his demeanor shattered in front of me. His shoulders slumped as he climbed off my bed, slowly turning away from me—taking those few steps to my closed door. Why can’t I just say what’s right on the tip of my tongue? His hand was on the knob and it wasn’t until he had it cracked that my voice finally made its way out; a mere whisper, but I got it out. He turned to face me, hand still on the door as he heard my desperation in the calling of his name. I got up and quickly walked up to him, taking his hand off the door, pulling him into my arms—best I could with my stature and looked up at him.

“I, I want to know what we could have.”