Therapy

“You can tell me, you know that right?”

Alex and I were still sitting on a playground bench and I still hadn’t sad a word. His phone had gone off six times already. Hours passed by like seconds and I knew that Alex would be in deep shit for not showing up to their interview and it was all my fault because I’m so damn stubborn.

“What do you want me to say Alex?”

“How about you start with what happened?”

“You know what happened,” I argued, “You saw me.”

Alex looked at me, “But why’d you do it?”

“I had to.”

“No one forced you to throw up the pizza we ate.”

Alex’s phone played Backstreet Boys for the seventh time. “We should go.” I suggested standing up.

“No,” He grabbed my wrist, “I don’t care that I’m missing an interview, or that Jack will be mad because he’ll think I’m hooking up with you again or that Rian will hate me because I’m ignoring his calls. We are settling this.”

“There’s nothing to settle Alex, I was feeling bad so I went to throw up.” I stated harshly.

“If it wasn’t such a big fucking deal we’d be over this.”

“You are making this a big fucking deal.”

“Because you shoved your fingers up your throat to puke!”

“So?” I yelled at him, “You don’t know a goddamn thing about how it feels not to be able to keep anything in your stomach! You don’t know how much it hurts for me to pick up a goddamn piece of pizza and just eat it without throwing up!”

Alex looked at me in complete shock, I wasn’t sure if it was due to the yelling or the things I said. We were close, everyone knew this, but I’ve never been seriously mad at him and yelled at him with such loudness. What I knew was that I had just told him what I have feared for the past year.

“I can’t just eat anymore,” I said a little quieter, trying to look away from Alex so he won’t see the tear, “Whenever I eat anything greasy or filling or good I have the compulsion to throw up, not mentally anymore, it’s physical.”

After a long silence I stole a glance, making sure he hadn’t run off. But Alex was still there, sitting next to me in shock, crocking an eyebrow. “You need help.”

“I can’t – won’t go to get help.”

“We are not arguing about this alone, Jack has to hear this.”

“NO!” I yelled and ripped myself from the grip, “He doesn’t have to know.”

“You have to tell him!”

“Do not,” He would hate me, disgrace me, and never look at me again, “we are not even dating. It started to be my way of coping at first, now it's something I can't fucking stop anymore. It's a way of having control over something.”

Alex stayed quiet.

“I don’t want him to know,” I whined, why wouldn’t Alex get this?

Alex pulled me into a hug; I was shocked, why didn’t he hate me?

“Let’s make a deal then,” he suggested after another silence, “I won’t tell him, even though I highly recommend I would, and you will get better slowly with me watching.”

I swallowed, this will be my only way out, “I suppose.”

We sat in silence for what seemed forever when the rain started.

“We should go back,” Alex suggested.

I shook my head, “Go ahead, really, I’ll be fine, I just want to stay out here a little longer.”

Alex sat back down, “I’m not leaving you.”

His phone killed the silence for the eighth time.

“Answer it,” I demanded, “I have Backstreet Boys stuck in my head now.”

“Blame it on Dawson for non-stop calling.”

“Why’s that his ringtone?” I asked, actually curious.

“I have a manly crush on him, okay?” Alex groaned and picked his phone from the soaked jeans. “What?...No, we’re fine…She had to talk to me…well it took some time so deal with it…yeah…I know…Fuck off.”

I raised my eyebrows.

“We’re leaving; you’re going to get sick.” I opened my mouth to protest, but Alex was faster, “Now.”

His hands snatched me before I could even process the thought of running away from Alex and he was pulling me towards the general direction of the parking lot.

“Please don’t tell him though,” I almost whispered, “I want to try and get over it and then if it doesn’t work I want to tell him.”

Alex kept walking next to me and I almost thought he didn’t hear me, but cut me off when I went to repeat.

“It’s a deal; we’ll get you through this.” He smiled sincerely at me and I couldn’t help but give him a big hug.

“Now come on, I’m in big trouble.” Alex chuckled.

“That you are,” Matt came walking straight at us. He reached Alex and yanked him towards the bus while yelling at him.

“…what were you thinking? Running off, forgetting the interview? You fucking had Zack jump in for you, do you know how much input Jack had to do so it wouldn't look bad that you unannounced didn't show up?”

I zoomed out and followed them on the bus, where everyone was hanging around (minus Jack who was most likely so pissed off at the situation that he probably was back in the GC bus). Before vanishing in Jack’s bunk to think everything that just happened through, I pulled on my skinnys and the Columbia sweater with cotton socks and a scarf. I let my hair air dry and put on my favorite headband and then finally lay down.

After an hour it quiet down and I took my chance to roll out of my little space in search of Vitamin water, which was actually hopeless, considering you live on a bus with ten boys.

I walked into the front lounge to see Alex and Jack hastily whispering back and forth about something.

As Alex saw me, he nudged Jack and they both immediately were interested in something different.

"Gee," I sighed as I walked towards the fridge, "I wonder who you guys were talking about."