Therapy

I needed some time for myself, so I sat outside the bus, on the ground, in the rain.

I didn't mind it, it wasn't cold, if anything it was relaxing. I sighed as I heard shuffling on the bus. Everyone was still asleep since it was a long night after the party yesterday. Besides Matt, he was already at work with Danny and Colussy, as always.

I closed my eyes, five days I had left in the states before I'd leave again. I had absolutely no idea where we were at, but my plane was leaving from Miami and I'd miss everyone. I would miss Alex so much, I know it was utterly wrong to have these feelings for him, but we had to get past them, and leaving and forgetting was the only way.

Yes, I considered moving back and changing everything, my phone number, my living arrangement, my e-mail, my facebook, twitter and everything that would somehow make me findable. After meeting Mark, he promised he’d help me start my own line and offered me to stay in contact.

Rian was the only one who somehow found out about my plans after departure, he didn't agree with it at all, but he hasn't convinced me otherwise.


Flashback.

'It's worse than before; you don't understand how crushed Jack would be-'

'Jack and I have not shared the same bus since I've been here.'

'Touché.'

I had rolled my eyes.

'You're really going to go, aren't you?'

I nodded.

Rian pulled me into a hug, 'Stay in contact with me, it'll be our dirty little secret.'

I smiled shyly and nodded, but I knew that I was just telling another lie. I had secrets with everyone in the band, it bound us all together and that was not good. I just wanted Jack, not Alex's lust or Rian's big-brother love or Zack's flirting. I love Jack and I couldn't have him.

End Flashback


"Did you fuck her again?" Jack's voice pulled me back to reality.

"It's your fucking fault she's not here." Alex answered with a calm voice.

"Stop changing the subject!"

"Maybe you should just stop being a self-absorbed asshole and talk to her."

"Alex just shut the fuck up!" Jack's angry voice stabbed me like a knife, "I want her. I miss her. I love her, but instead you go behind my back and fuck her."

"You fucking go get her and stop being a wussy! I didn't have sex with her since we realized how wrong it was after the first time." Alex lied. They were in the back lounge, unaware that I heard everything they said.

A tear rolled down my cheek, it wasn't noticeable with all the raindrops, but I knew it was there.

"I can't just go up to her and be all like 'Hey, I still love you, let's make up!"

"And why not?" Alex's voice was back to being calm.

Jack didn't answer for a while, I could picture him perfectly, sitting on the couch and starring off into the nothing.

"Because you are fucking her and everything has changed."

I sighed, if he was going to keep screaming it around everyone would know that I was a whore. I was a whore. I mean what girlfriend goes around fucking their boyfriends’ best friend?

By now the tears were falling freely and timed with the rain. Then the bus door opened and there were more feet shuffling and murmurs I couldn't understand. When the bus door slammed shut, I figured Jack had left and I should dry off before I get sick.

Unfortunately I completely ran into someone and landed in the mud.

"Oh shit," Jack hovered over me, great. Just fucking great.

"Just help me up?" I pleaded, feeling my clothes getting soaked.

I held out my hand, which he took immediately and tried to pull me up; but as luck would have it, Jack slipped and landed on his butt in front of me. Mud sprayed around even more.
I gave him a serious look: "Really?"

Jack shrugged his shoulders: "Well this is just fantastical delicious. Now I look like I pooped all over my face."

I couldn't help but start to laugh on how serious Jack was. Jack gave me the most hateful look and out of old habits I just whipped a handful of mud at him. No two minutes later we were in a big mud fight outside the bus, in the pouring rain, laughing together.

At that thought I stopped. I was having a good time with the person who is currently making me upset.

"What's wrong?" Jack walked up to me.

I was mesmerized at his fingers tracing my face. Mesmerized by his eyes that were searching for answers in my face.

Jack leaned down until his lips were inches from my face. I closed my eyes after his hot breath tickled my lips.

"I love you, always have and always will," he closed the space between us, and his lips were kissing mine.

I kissed back; I missed his touch, his warmness, his love, his lips. But this couldn't just be over, no I couldn't just let him back in.

"Jack," I protested that sounded more like a moan, "Jack."

Jack didn't even attempt to stop; he started backing me up against the bus. And that's when my fear started again, the feeling of being forced to do something you don't want to.

"Stop!" I yelled and pushed him off. I was shaking uncontrollably and slid down, back into the mud. Tears started falling again and my body shook worse than I could even recall.

What did I just do?