Therapy

"Bullshit," I hissed at Jack, "Fucking bullshit, it's just like the first summer. You ramble something about how you fucking love me and how you will make this relationship work and then you go behind my fucking back and fuck some slut, who, might I add, you don't even know the fucking name of! I didn't completely know what I was letting myself into, but you told me to trust you and I did and then you pull that on me! I'm here because Alex is my best friend, he saw me broken down and he cared enough to try and help me get better and you-" I shook my head, letting the tear roll down my cheek, "You just kicked me to the curb and left me there. I got my heart broken once and it was you who fixed it back up and now it's you ripping it back apart, I can't do it again, so just - just save the bullshit for somebody who cares."

I waited half a minute for him to argue back, but he just stood there, lifeless, with his hands in his pockets, starring into my eyes. Another tear escaped and knowing I had won this argument, I turned around in search of the bus.

We were just having a blast, as stupid Alex would say. But really? Jack just couldn’t keep his hands of the girls. I had just witnessed Jack cheating on me the second time, kissing some bimbo blonde chick pressed up to the wall. Very fucking awesome.

Alex's stupid sweet talking and telling me everything would turn out alright had hurt me again; Jack and I had finally gotten to talk about so much, then he tells me how much he loves me and the next fucking thing I see is him basically fucking some girl. Right in fucking front of me!

The tears were falling more freely now and my steps were getting faster. Someone screamed my name, but I didn't want to face them; I wanted to grab my shit and leave as fast as I could. Basically tripping up the stairs, I managed to get onto the bus and lock the door, instantly collecting my possessions and throwing them into a pile onto a bunk.

I've known Jack for over two years now; he is just as bigheaded as me and would never admit to his mistakes. Maybe I did cheat, but technically we weren't going out. I have always been laid back. I go with the flow, accepting the fact that the boy, who surpassingly fell hard for me, is some big rockstar, always on the road to another show.

Why can't he take a step forward as well? Make me feel safe in the decisions I make?

I sniffed and wiped my eyes so I could see better, hurrying around the bus.

Everyone would still be at the party, getting drunk and having the time of their life. They wouldn't notice my disappearance. No one would.

"Ohkay Kasey," I started talking to myself, "Relax, deep breath, Matt's computer and credit card are at the top shelf. They will understand why you left, it's for the better."

I took another deep breath and began stuffing things into the duffel bag.

"Stop," Jack's voice suddenly ordered from behind, "You are staying."

"Jack - no." I turned around facing him. He was extremely close to me, hovering over me.

I wanted to protest, yell at him, get away, but instead I just stood there.

"I'm not letting you leave me again," Jack basically whispered.

"Your fucking fault," I hit his chest.

"I did it once too many times and I can't deal with the pain anymore."

I snickered a sarcastic laugh, "Your pain? Do you ever think about how much it hurts me?"

"All the time," he whispered back.

I hit him again, breaking down more with every word he was throwing at me.

"You. Are. A. Fucking. Bastard." I yelled, hitting him with each word.

Jack then caught my wrists and kissed me and for some reason I kissed back.

He kissed me with more passion, harder and sweeter. My hands shot from his chest to his hair and I pulled myself up. I wanted him, there and now. Jack found his bunk and his way on top of me without any problems. Clothes were shed faster than ever because there was nothing I wanted more than Jack.

The feeling of Jack’s perfect lips pressed against mine, moving hungrily together, trying to make up for all the lost time apart. I had waited so long for this moment, even though nothing was alright, it felt miraculous, extraordinary.

Jack’s electrifying touch of my bare skin sent jolts through my veins, traveling to my heart, increasing my heart beat. His calloused, rough fingertips felt just right lingering on my skin, traveling up and down my arms, my hair, my stomach.

As we pulled away, I instantly missed the feeling of him on my skin, wanting to push him back against me. But I didn’t. I knew the physical feeling of him was absolutely dazzling, but kissing him, being so intimate with him again, just hurt me even more. I still wasn’t sure if this was a good idea, if he was sincerely genuine about everything or if I would come out of this even more broken and battered as I had entered. I didn’t want to go through all of that pain and misery again. I wanted to protect myself from that burning hurt, the kind that aches and kills for ridiculously long amounts of time. The kind that takes over your whole body, permeating its way through, wrecking your whole life, knocking you off your feet.

Jack’s eyes were boring into mine, holding joy and more sparkle to them than they had ever before. His chocolate orbs were questioning, asking me what this meant. Were we okay? I didn’t think I’d ever be ready for that again, for a relationship, an emotional commitment. And I didn’t know if I was comparing things to the past, tricking myself and pretending it felt just like it had, but really it was only wishful thinking.

“Jack,” I said, not sure what move was next.

“You know I love you, Kaser,” he stated, attempting to detour the conversation.

“I know, Jack,” I sighed, running my hands through his hair. “And I love you too.”

“What does this mean?” he asked, lightly tracing my jaw with his finger.

Shrugging, I trailed my hands along his chest, up and down.

“I’m not sure.”

“Well what do you want, Kaser?”

I didn’t know how to answer this question. I didn’t know what I wanted! I didn’t know what was right, what was wrong, what I should do. And it was extremely irritating.

“I want you to hold me.”

Jack smiled, beamed really, and nodded. He softly pressed his lips to mine shortly before pulling me towards him. Pressed up against his chest, I felt secure in his arms, like how I used to feel.

Jack’s fingers played with my hair absentmindedly as he continued to place kisses along the top of my head, my neck, my shoulders. His free hand rested on my waist, so I took it and placed my hand in his, running my thumb lightly over his warm skin.

“I love you, Kasey,” he whispered into my ear, sending shivers down my spine.

With that feeling still running through my body, I wanted to feel his lips back on mine, wanted to share that intimate feeling again with him. I didn’t think that there was anyone else who could make me feel that way ever again, could make my knees buckle with the touch of his chapped lips or calloused fingers.

Turning my head to meet his lips, I connected our mouths again, his tongue immediately finding mine in synchronization.

The same feelings went swimming through my body—the feeling of electricity and spark, excitement and nervousness, perfection and contentment. I never wanted it to end, never wanted to be away from Jack ever again.

He leaned back again, both of us catching our breathes, I didn't want him to go, so instead I dug my nails into his shirt, grabbing and holding on. His breath instantly quickened and he leaned back down. The smile on my face washed away. I wanted him. He moved forward the last few inches and his lips brushed mine. I felt my heart stop for a second, and then I kissed him back. My hand found his hair and his hands found my lower back, pulling me up to him. Our lips moved in sync until his tongue licked my lower lip. I let his tongue slip into my mouth making me moan. I felt Jack’s excitement as he pulled himself back tight on top of me. His hips were thrusting between my hips and I moaned loader as he kissed me more deeply. Jack’s lips left mine as he kissed down my jaw and descended to my neck, it made me moan. He unclasped my bra and took it off.

“Jack,” I whisper-moaned.

I felt him smiling against my stomach as he kissed my belly button and then reached my underwear. He kissed through my panties making me moan the loudest yet. Then he took them off and I sat up, kissing him again. This time I took off his shirt and his pants.

“Kasey,” he whispered against my ear.

“Hmm..?”

“I love you, Kasey.” Jack whispered and I felt him get inside of me.

I moaned, damn! I swung my legs around his waist and let him move his hips in and out of me in his pace. At first he was going slow, but after a few minutes he sped up, making me moan uncontrollably loud. His lips found mine as he kept getting faster. Jack kept kissing me and slipping his tongue into my mouth, we moved faster and faster until we both moaned loud.
He kissed me one more time before whispering another ‘I love you’ gently in my ear.

Out of breath he collapsed next to me. We kissed a few more times before I fell asleep cuddled against his chest.

The same question running through my mind, was this the biggest mistake I made?