Ashes
Quin
Quin: Where are you guys moving to?
Me: The Joneses (my sister's in-law's). I don't know where we're going after that but I'm getting pretty sick and tired of this.
Quin: It will help you. Honestly, I don't want to say this to you, but I will. I feel that mom left us for a reason. That reason being that we are better off without that part of our life. You are young and don't really see how much that lifestyle was affecting us as a family. Dad is a great person and he deserves all the credit from anyone who was there at that time in our lives as mom was almost totally insane by the end. Don't repeat this, and I'm sorry for saying, but dad put up with more than you could ever imagine in that relationship. And what he's doing for you now is for the best. When we moved to the Joneses house, mom kinda changed. Insane was the wrong word. But she was different, and she missed out on her life. She just wanted her life and her childhood that she missed, and she wanted to be like her mother, she was confused and wrapped up in a world that she didn't want. Last time I saw mom we fought, and I feel so bad about that. But that was when I realized that she had lost it, she realized what she had become and she didn't wanna be here anymore. Did you know that she dreamed of her death? She called Sandy (one of her friends) and said I had a dream that I died in the truck. Sandy said don't go and mom went. She asked Sandy to watch over me because she thought I was doomed.
Me: Why would she think that??
Quin: I was messed up then. You were young. You weren't as damaged by any of this and you need to take that opportunity and make something of yourself. I'm gonna write a song about you now, and later to show you how you changed and evolved the way we all should have. You have more heart than any of us.
Me: But... what if I end up like her?
Quin: Just go with what you feel. Make her happy, Renna. She did it for us. That's the main thing.
Me: What didn't she like about her life?
Quin: She loved everything about us. But she knew she could have had so much more and that it was her fault that she didn't. Just remember what she was, which was a great human being. Her life was so fucked up and complicated compared to ours I don't blame her at all. She started the family too young. But don't worry about any of this I'm just drunk. She did what she thought she wanted and I feel I let her down. Mom was the most sincere and honest person in the world. She just lost track of who she really wanted to be, that's all. Don't ever let that happen to you. If mom never passed I would be in a very different place. If she didn't leave us, I wouldn't have stopped destroying myself. After she died I changed everything. Albert (our other brother) thinks I only think about myself which is so untrue and kills me inside as all I wanna do is make you guys safe.
Me: Was mom at least happy with us?
Quin: Of course. She couldn't have been more at peace with us. We were her life, but her life should have been more. She could have changed so many things, but she had other priorities. And I feel a lot to blame because I started the downfall in her belief in us. She would always talk about me being a lawyer or a cop. The things that would keep me away from the things our family was so renowned for. But listen. This is what she wants. She wants you to be Renna. She doesn't want you to take the anger you have for everything that is wrong out on yourself. You are amazingly unique and thoughtful and I see so much in you more than anyone. So just stay the way you are and throw your anger and despair in the direction it needs to go. Seek out the heart and use it. You'll be unstoppable. Change this world, because you have the power to. I'll help you every step of the way. I feel that one day what happened to mom will happen to me. I can't even say 'I have a headache' out loud. Those were her last words. But listen, I love you, and I believe in you. I gotta go.
This is a perfect example of how much illusion is twisted with fact in my knowledge of my life.This is the shortened version of a conversation my brother Quin and I had a long time ago. He was drunk and sometimes he didn't really make sense, so I'll never really know if his words were truth, and I don't think I'll ever have the courage to ask him about it again, if he even remembers this taking place. But i do know this: if they are, then I know exactly where I'm headed in life, and it terrifies me.
Me: The Joneses (my sister's in-law's). I don't know where we're going after that but I'm getting pretty sick and tired of this.
Quin: It will help you. Honestly, I don't want to say this to you, but I will. I feel that mom left us for a reason. That reason being that we are better off without that part of our life. You are young and don't really see how much that lifestyle was affecting us as a family. Dad is a great person and he deserves all the credit from anyone who was there at that time in our lives as mom was almost totally insane by the end. Don't repeat this, and I'm sorry for saying, but dad put up with more than you could ever imagine in that relationship. And what he's doing for you now is for the best. When we moved to the Joneses house, mom kinda changed. Insane was the wrong word. But she was different, and she missed out on her life. She just wanted her life and her childhood that she missed, and she wanted to be like her mother, she was confused and wrapped up in a world that she didn't want. Last time I saw mom we fought, and I feel so bad about that. But that was when I realized that she had lost it, she realized what she had become and she didn't wanna be here anymore. Did you know that she dreamed of her death? She called Sandy (one of her friends) and said I had a dream that I died in the truck. Sandy said don't go and mom went. She asked Sandy to watch over me because she thought I was doomed.
Me: Why would she think that??
Quin: I was messed up then. You were young. You weren't as damaged by any of this and you need to take that opportunity and make something of yourself. I'm gonna write a song about you now, and later to show you how you changed and evolved the way we all should have. You have more heart than any of us.
Me: But... what if I end up like her?
Quin: Just go with what you feel. Make her happy, Renna. She did it for us. That's the main thing.
Me: What didn't she like about her life?
Quin: She loved everything about us. But she knew she could have had so much more and that it was her fault that she didn't. Just remember what she was, which was a great human being. Her life was so fucked up and complicated compared to ours I don't blame her at all. She started the family too young. But don't worry about any of this I'm just drunk. She did what she thought she wanted and I feel I let her down. Mom was the most sincere and honest person in the world. She just lost track of who she really wanted to be, that's all. Don't ever let that happen to you. If mom never passed I would be in a very different place. If she didn't leave us, I wouldn't have stopped destroying myself. After she died I changed everything. Albert (our other brother) thinks I only think about myself which is so untrue and kills me inside as all I wanna do is make you guys safe.
Me: Was mom at least happy with us?
Quin: Of course. She couldn't have been more at peace with us. We were her life, but her life should have been more. She could have changed so many things, but she had other priorities. And I feel a lot to blame because I started the downfall in her belief in us. She would always talk about me being a lawyer or a cop. The things that would keep me away from the things our family was so renowned for. But listen. This is what she wants. She wants you to be Renna. She doesn't want you to take the anger you have for everything that is wrong out on yourself. You are amazingly unique and thoughtful and I see so much in you more than anyone. So just stay the way you are and throw your anger and despair in the direction it needs to go. Seek out the heart and use it. You'll be unstoppable. Change this world, because you have the power to. I'll help you every step of the way. I feel that one day what happened to mom will happen to me. I can't even say 'I have a headache' out loud. Those were her last words. But listen, I love you, and I believe in you. I gotta go.
This is a perfect example of how much illusion is twisted with fact in my knowledge of my life.This is the shortened version of a conversation my brother Quin and I had a long time ago. He was drunk and sometimes he didn't really make sense, so I'll never really know if his words were truth, and I don't think I'll ever have the courage to ask him about it again, if he even remembers this taking place. But i do know this: if they are, then I know exactly where I'm headed in life, and it terrifies me.