Carpe Diem

Have you ever drank so much that you’ve become paraletic to the extent that you have no idea what’s going on around you, and more to the point what you’re doing in order to take responsibility for your actions and even prevent them even though you can’t remember them? I have.

When my eyes fluttered open the next morning with a few seconds to adjust to the lack of light I felt the immediate feeling that something wasn’t right, and I didn’t want to have to come to terms with it. I felt unnervingly cold as a shiver shot up my spine as I sat up before rubbing my eyes to get a better focus, immediately regretting it as my eyes landed on my clothes from the night before, discarded at the end of the bunk. I’d had a feeling there was a reason to why I felt so cold, but I was praying it was anything but it, sadly, my luck was out. I inhaled sharply as I leaned forward, picking up the clothes hurriedly and hurriedly getting dressed, hoping, praying, that it was all just a dream and that I’d be awoken and find myself on the kitchen floor, but a part of me knew, no matter how much I wanted it to be, it wasn’t the case. I ran a hand through my hair as I felt someone stir beside me, causing me to freeze up and remain completely still, praying that whoever it was wouldn’t wake.
It looked as though some sort of luck was on my side as I realised I was infact on the outside of the bunk, meaning that I could just grip the side and climb over, which is exactly what I did, not taking a look at the sleeping frame next to me as I did so. I breathed a sigh of relief as I took in my surroundings, realising that no-one else was infact up in the bunk area as all the curtains were open, so no-one knew about my actions, I didn’t know for sure, but I’d hoped everyone had gotten so drunk they’d just passed out with no recollection of the nights events, much like myself. I crept over to my suitcase and pulled out clean clothes, feeling the disgust of what I’d done and how I couldn’t remain in the same clothes any longer.
As I practically ran towards the spiral staircase I came to a sudden halt as I turned my head around to my occupied bunk slowly. I knew I couldn’t leave without knowing who was in there, no matter how much I wanted to, and how much I protested with myself mentally, it was like my feet had a mind of their own as I crept once more over to my bunk, just as the person who laid within it turned around and faced me in their sleep. I clasped a hand over my mouth as my eyes widened in realisation, before I took off towards the staircase once more, attempting to be quiet as I took the steps down it two at a time before catching my breath at the bottom.
There was no other way to put it, I felt disgusted in myself, and I swore at that point I would never drink so much again, as I truly couldn’t believe what I’d done. I glanced around as I realised, to my relief, that everyone was passed out completely, and it seemed no-one had even stirred as I’d come bounding down the stairs. I breathed in deeply and made my way towards the bathroom, opening the door and stepping inside before shutting and locking it behind me.
I turned on the shower as I shed my clothes, tossing them on the floor carelessly as I jumped in, wishing that the hot water could just wash away my actions, not to mention my guilt.
I can’t possibly explain how much I hated myself at that moment, I felt like the worst person in existence, and I truly believed I was. As I stepped out of the shower and dried myself before changing into clean clothes that weren’t guilt ridden, I vowed that I was going to do whatever it took to keep this a secret, and even if that meant lying through my teeth, so be it. I don’t think I’d ever regretted anything more in my life until that night.
I unlocked the door and stepped out, not realising that someone was standing directly in front of it as I collided with them roughly.

“Jeeze, watch it Taylor!” Hayden laughed as I attempted to laugh with her, but it just came out robotic.

She eyed me suspiciously as I tried to look everywhere but her eyes.

“Taylor, where did you get to last night?”

I bit my lip as I attempted to come up with some sort of a legit answer, “I fell asleep on the grass outside, so I decided to come and have a shower now that I’ve come to my senses,”

“You’re lying to me,” She stated simply as she pulled my arm and weaved me through the masses of unconscious bodies of band members sprawled all over the floor and in the chairs. My eyes landed on Nick ‘s sleeping frame as I felt my heart sink a little. I pulled my arm out of her grasp for a split second as I opened the door of the washing machine and chucked my clothes in it without a second glance as she grabbed hold on my arm once again.

“Hayden, where the fuck are you taking me?” I whispered loudly as she came to a sudden halt, causing me to smack into her side.

“I was just getting you as far away from everyone else as possibly so there’s no slight chance we’ll be over-heard by one of the living dead,” She shrugged, “So spill,”

“Hayden, how much-”

“Taylor just cut to the chase, you can ask questions later-”

“But Hayden-”

“Taylor, just spill it!”

“Shut up for a minute, Hayden! I need to know! How much did I drink last night?” I questioned.

“Why is that relevant?” She asked as she eyed me once more.

“It just is, okay? How could you let me get completely paraletic?!”

She held her hands up in defence, “You weren’t that drunk the last time I saw you last night, but then I got distracted as Colin-”

I cut her off as I began grinning madly, knowing full well what she was going to say, “He asked you to be his girlfriend?! Finally?!”

She nodded as a grin matching mine spread over her lips as I pulled her in for a hug tightly, forgetting all about my dilemma for a split second.

“It’s about time!” I scoffed as she rolled her eyes playfully, before her expression turned back to one of concern.

“Taylor, what is it?”

“I can’t-”

“Taylor, you’re my best friend, the day I judge you is the day I’m condemned to hell,” She joked, but when I didn’t even smile in response, she sighed and ran a hand through her hair.

“Taylor, you’re worrying me,”

I felt my eyes begin to well up as I tried to blink back the tears that were threatening to fall. I felt so ashamed, angry, upset, and above anything, guilty. But I knew if I kept the secret to myself completely it’d end up eating me alive worse than it was already doing so, at least with Hayden knowing I wouldn’t feel so alone.

“Taylor?” She pushed.

I began to mumble my confession quickly under my breath, hoping she’d hear it so I wouldn’t have to repeat it again.

“Taylor, you’re going to have to speak loud or quiet enough for me to hear you,”

I ran a hand through my hair as I looked at her with an expressionless face before saying,

“I slept with Adam.”