Second Chance

Brian’s POV

“What do you think we’re gonna have?” Michelle asks, from where she’s lying next to me on the couch while we watch a random movie. One hand softly stroking her growing belly while the other is busy playing with my fingers that are intertwined with hers. I turn to look at her, to find her staring at me, with so much love & excitement from the baby that’s growing inside of her. Our baby. I still can’t believe I’m gonna be a dad.

“I don’t know” I say, trying to keep this conversation short. I may seem like I’m not excited about the baby, but I am. I’m thrilled that I’m gonna be a father. It’s just… Michelle’s not the girl I wanted for mother of my children. I can’t picture myself starting a family with her. She’s not the woman I love. She’s not the woman I picture my forever with. Annabelle is that girl. Its Annabelle’s eyes that I want to see plastered on a little girl face. A little girl that I’m gonna call my daughter. It’s her smile that I want them to inherit. Not Michelle’s… all Annabelle’s. I want little Annabelle’s running around our house, brighten my day & being all quirky like her.

“Well… I really want a boy. A little you” She says, smiling at me. I forced a smile. Everything seems forced with Michelle lately. “And he would be just as restless as you, with your eyes & hair. A boy that you would teach how to play the guitar & to ride a bike & that would be just the spitting image of you. That’s what I want” She says, cuddling closer to me, kissing softly my neck. I let out a sigh cuz her kisses just feels wrong. Her lips seems to burn me. I don’t want her lips on me. She straddles me, her lips keeping her work on my neck, her hands finding their way under my shirt & onto my chest. & I just stay there, letting my wife shower me with kisses, trying to get a positive reaction from me, any kind of reaction… but my body just doesn’t react to her touch & kisses. Not my body, not my mind & certainly… not my heart. She’s not her… & I just can’t take it. “Baby, are you ok?” She asks me after a while, seeing no respond from me. I stare into her eyes & I can’t believe that I can’t love a woman as beautiful as Michelle. I can’t believe that I can’t even get half hard from having her barely clothed body on mine. I give her a small smile, pecking her lips quickly.

“Yeah, babe… I’m ok. I just don’t want you to be late for that shopping trip with the girls. You know how Val gets when you’re late. Especially when she knows it’s because we’re having sex & I’m certain that she doesn’t want to walk in & find us doing it on the couch” I say, trying to find some sort of excuse to just get her off of me. She lowers her gaze & bites her lip.

“It’s because I’m getting fat, right? You don’t find me sexy anymore” She says, her voice soft. I close my eyes, shaking my head no.

“Of course not, Chelle. I think you’re…” I stop, trying the find the perfect word to make her feel good again. “The most beautiful girl on this earth right now” I say, I LIE, to her. I see a smile break on her face. & it breaks my heart to know that smile was given to me based on a lie. But everything I’ve been doing these past years is lying… to her & to me. I made me believe that I love her… but I can’t trick my mind anymore. Not when I had the love of my life right in my fucking hands & let her get away… again.

“I love you, Brian. & I know this past few months have been really hard for us, but I love you with all my being. I just wanted you to know that” She says, kissing my lips. I close my eyes & try to kiss her back. Maybe if I pretend she’s Annabelle, this won’t be as hard as it is. “I’m gonna go get change before Val arrives” She says, standing up & walking up the stairs to our bedroom. I throw my head to rest on the back of the couch, just staring at the ceiling, thinking about Annabelle. But that’s nothing new. She doesn’t leave my mind for a fucking second. I sigh & stand, grabbing my cigarettes & lighter from the table & walking outside to have a smoke. I sit on the stairs of the porch, puffs & puffs of smoke coming out of my mouth with every drag I give to my cigarette.

I can’t believe I reached a point where I would be lying & imagining someone else just to fulfill my role as a husband. It’s just that nothing about my relationship with Michelle feels right. & me sticking with her just for a baby seems even more fucked up. I just wished everything would be simpler. I just wished I lived in a world where Annabelle would be my wife & the one expecting my baby. That when I came home from a long day at the studio, her smiling face would be greeting me. But no… I live in a fucked up world where she’s not even mine. I put the cancer stick out & I see Val’s car park on the garage. She gets out & makes her way to me.

“Hey, Val. Chelle will be down in a minu-” I didn’t even finish my sentence when her hand connected with my cheek. “What the fuck is your problem?” I growl at her while clutching my face.

“I know about you & Annabelle” She says in a sneer, her hard eyes staring hard into mine. I stare at her shocked. How could she know? She shakes her head in disapproval & walks into the house. I’m left there, pissed. I’m going to kill Matt.

Annabelle’s POV

“What do you think you’re doing?” I say in an irritated voice.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” John mutters from where he’s leaving butterfly kisses all over my neck & shoulder from behind.

“Well, could you stop?” I ask him harshly, shrugging him from me. I hear him let out a sigh… a frustrated sigh. “I’m just not in the mood, ok? Besides, I’m way behind with work & I’d like to get some done before going back to the office tomorrow” I say, sitting straight & continue editing some work on my laptop.

“Unbelievable” I hear him mutter, before him getting away from me. & I just snap.

“What’s so unbelievable, John? That I want to do my fucking job?” I say, closing harshly my laptop.

“No. It’s perfectly fine for you to do your fucking job. Besides… that’s all you’ve been fucking doing since we got back” He half-yells at me, walking into the kitchen. I follow him.

“& what’s that supposed to mean?” I say, placing my hands on my hips, narrowing my eyes at him.

“What I mean, is that I miss my fiancé. I miss kissing my fiancé. I miss making love to my fiancé. I miss the face of my fiancé when she’s not fucking glued to that fucking computer working” He says, slamming the refrigerator door. I stand there, feeling the guilt wash over me. “You haven’t allowed me to touch you since we came back. Not one single time, ok? & I just wanna know what the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on, Annabelle? What the fuck happened on that trip that you won’t even look at me in the eyes for more than 2 seconds?” He says, resting his hands on the kitchen countertop.

I FUCKED BRIAN ON THAT TRIP, JOHN. THAT’S WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED. & YOU’RE NOTHING COMPARED TO HIM The voice in my head screamed, but I just bit my lip. I can’t tell John that I cheated on him with the guy that I love… the guy that’s about to become a father. I feel tears swell in eyes & I swallow the lump on my throat.

How could I be so stupid? How could I do that to John? He doesn’t deserve to be dragged into all the mess I’ve seemed to create. & even when I’m dead set into forgetting Brian, I can’t get him out of my mind. He’s all I think about. He’s in my mind 24/7 & if I close my eyes, I can almost feel him touching me, kissing me & whispering all those sweet nothings that he used to say to me while we cuddled after sex. That’s all I think. The way his hands felt between mine & how his smirk made my insides tingle with excitement… with love. Because no matter how hard I try… I love Brian.

“I just need to know. I need to know what took you away from me. It’s driving me crazy not knowing what the fuck it is that you’re hiding. What are you hiding from me, Annabelle?” He says with a sad tone that makes my heart break. It makes me feel like shit. Because he’s an amazing guy, any girl would be blessed to have a guy like him in their life. And still, here I am, the girl that he trusted his heart with, hung on a guy that’s married & that’s expecting a child. So yes, I have the right to feel like shit, because I’m a cheating piece of shit. “It’s Brian, right?” He says, making my eyes snap to his. “You’re like this because of him” He stated, shaking his head.

“He has nothing to do with this” I lie straight through my teeth. “He has nothing to do with us” I say, lowering my gaze.

“Bullshit. Everything between us was fine until he came into our lives” He says, walking past me & grabbing his keys & jacket. “I don’t know what the fucking history is between you 2 &, I’m actually scared to find out, because I’m not stupid, Annabelle. I know that whatever it is you’re hiding has to do with him. I just thought that you would be honest with me & tell me. I JUST NEED FOR YOU TO FUCKING TELL ME” He shouts the last part, making me cringe. I’ve never seen John this pissed. Usually I’m the one that has a temper, & to know that I’m able to get him like this, scares me, cuz it just proves my point right. I don’t deserve him & he would be better without me. I see him walk to the door. “Don’t expect me to come back”

“John-” I start, my voice soft, but he interrupts me.

“I’m not coming back until you decide to be straight with me & tell me everything” He says, walking out of my apartment, slamming the front door shut. I let my tears fall, my whole body trembling with my sobs.

I’m crying not because he isn’t coming back, because in the back of my mind I know that it’s for the best. He needs to get away from me. I’m crying because I can’t believe the person I’ve become. I became what I tried so hard to avoid. I used to live to please my friends, family & loved ones. Their happiness was my happiness. & now… all I seem to do is hurt everyone who makes an attempt to get close to me. I’ve hurt John, I’ve hurt the guys, I’ve hurt the girls, I’ve hurt Brian… & I’m hurting myself. I’ve made my life a hell that I don’t know how to get out. I don’t know how to fix everything that’s broken in me & all the hearts I’ve broken on my devious venture with Brian. I let a frustrated scream, knocking everything on my desk, papers & pens scattered all over me as I crumble onto the floor, clutching my head in my hands. When did all get so fucked up? A white box catches my eye. I stand & grab it. I stare into it, afraid of it. Unconsciously, I place my hand on my womb.

“Oh my God” I hear someone say from the entrance. I turn to see Shannon standing there, her mouth agape, her eyes fixed on the box in my hands… on the pregnancy test. “Anna… are you pregnant?” She asks & I just want to die. Because, I can’t be pregnant. I just can’t.