If Today Was Your Last Day

All my life, I’ve always tried to follow my dreams. I’d live to chase them down but there were always certain instances that made me turn my back on them and move on. My mother was one of those reasons. They never let me do what I want. They think that since they’re successful, I should go and follow in their footsteps and become a younger version of who they are now.

Now, I know that it doesn’t sound that bad – or maybe it does – but I don’t want to live my life knowing I could’ve been doing something that I loved instead of having to put on a strong face all the time. I can’t just get by with a synthetic smile plastered on my face all the time. I want that chance to be real – to be that someone who I’ve always dreamed to be.

“You’re doing no such thing,” said my mother right after I asked her if I could take up music instead of law for college. “You were given the gift of intellect and intelligence and I simply cannot let you waste that.”

“But mother, I don’t want to spend eight more years of my life sitting in a classroom studying!” I whined aloud.

We were having breakfast at the backyard of my deceased father’s mansion. It was a routine thing where we were supposed to ‘bond’ and tell each other everything. But we never even talked while we ate. I didn’t want to because I knew that I’d only get shut down in the end and also because I know she doesn’t care about what happens in my life.

“Am I your mother or not?” she reprimanded, putting down her cup of tea.

The sound of the sprinklers sprinkling water over her massive garden seemed to be the only things making a sound. I looked around and saw that all of my mother’s help had stopped working to watch the scene unfold right before them.

“I don’t even know anymore,” I muttered to myself as I pushed my chair back roughly and ran back up to my room. My mother didn’t even bother to follow after me.

I shut my bedroom door harshly as I crawled into my bed and cried. The only thing I wanted was my father to come in and comfort me but I knew that that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. He died a few years ago due to a heart attack.

The reason behind it was that he and my mom fought on a day-to-day basis but no one knew that his heart palpitated while they fought. Not I, not my sister and definitely not my mother because she never notices anything. You can take away the priciest accessory from her jewelry box and she’ll never know because she simply doesn’t care. She’s the kind of person who goes with the flow and tries to keep up with the latest trends. Other things that are worthless to her, she throws away. I hated her for being so materialistic. She never even spent any time with her family because all she did with her life was work and shop. Sometimes, I wonder how she gave birth and raised two children. Did she even want children? I’ve never seen my mother care about anything that my sister and I have done for her. She never even takes time to ask us how our day was or anything like that because she’s always too busy.

My sister’s lucky she got out of this hell hole two years ago. She took up medicine, became a doctor and she married this really great guy in Europe. Sure, she visits every now and then but at least she can escape and live with her husband in London instead of having to put up with our mother. After our father died though, I saw her less and less. We still sent e-mails back and forth but those were just never enough.

I didn’t realize that my phone had been buzzing until I started to calm down. I grabbed it from my bedside table and saw that John – my best friend – had been trying to reach me. I bit my lip as I contemplated on whether calling him now would be a good idea. Before I could even decide, my screen lit up again.

“Hello?” I said into the phone trying my hardest not to make my voice sound hoarse and croaky.

“Uh, have you been crying?” he asked almost instantly.

“It’s nothing really.”

I took in a deep breath as I tried to make my lungs stop hurting. My lungs have been burning inside for so long now and I really don’t know why. I didn’t smoke or do drugs. I was a completely clean person. I haven’t gone to the doctor because I didn’t really want to enter clinics or hospitals. I didn’t want to remember that place where my dad suffered and eventually shrivelled up and died. It was just too much for me.

“Is your mother still at home?” he asked but it only made my head heat up more. I really didn’t want to talk about that woman.

“I don’t know,” I coughed feeling something liquid rising up my throat. It tasted weird – like blood.

I coughed to no end until I got up from my bed and went into the bathroom. I hunched down right in front of the toilet and let out whatever wanted to come out.

I watched as blood splattered all over the toilet bowl as I coughed and wheezed. The sight of it made me even sicker and so I hurled everything I had for breakfast into the blood-filled bowl.

“Aubrey? What the fuck is going on?! I can practically hear you puking your guts out!” John screamed on the other line. I couldn’t talk or stop myself from gagging. I hung up on him and threw my phone to the side.

After vomiting, I felt really tired. It felt like the whole world was spinning. I tried to stand up to flush the toilet but then a wave of dizziness hit me and made me stay in place for about ten seconds. When I regained composure, I flushed the toilet and splashed my face with water and brushed my teeth.

Once I felt clean enough, I climbed back in my bed in hopes of getting some rest. A quick nap would probably do. But as soon as I shut my eyes and rolled to my side, my door swung open wide and somebody rushed into my room.

I looked to the side sloppily to see who came in. John O’Callaghan stared at me as if he’d never seen me before. He ran a hand through his brown hair and made his way over to my bed with the most anxious look on his face.

“You’re mom’s not here anymore,” he told me and I rolled my eyes.

“John, I don’t care if she’s here or not.”

“What happened today?” he asked tucking my hair behind my ear.

“I tried to talk her into changing her mind about my college plans,” I said sitting up straight. “She didn’t agree because she thought music was a waste of intellect and intelligence or whatever.”

John stayed quiet as he thought about something to say. But since I was an impatient person, I sighed and did a few breathing exercises. My lungs acted up like this all the time but usually, a few inhales and exhales would set it right again. Today was different though. It hurt a lot more than usual.

“Are you, by any chance, going through this dark phase where you deal with it in a really negative way?” he asked all of a sudden, catching my full attention.

“What’re you trying to say exactly?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. There was never an awkward moment between us but again, today was different.

“Are you…anorexic?” he asked hesitantly.

All I could do was laugh. Really? I mean I might be self-conscious but I wasn’t that crazy about my weight. Besides, I’ve dropping weight since – wait a minute, was that why he was asking? I knew I was shedding some pounds by doing exactly nothing but then again, I wasn’t really eating as much anymore due to appetite loss. But I wasn’t purging or anything like that.

“John, I’m not anorexic. I guess I’m just one of those girls who have those really fast metabolisms.”

“Um, I don’t mean to offend you in any way, but the last I checked, you were a little chubby when we were younger,” he said with a full out poker face.

“Fine, let me rephrase my statement: Maybe I’m one of those girls who magically developed a fast metabolism.”

“Aubrey, I don’t want you lying to me.”

“I’m not lying! How could you even think that, John? We tell each other everything and we don’t hide things from each other, remember?” I was getting a little furious and I wasn’t planning on toning it down. I mean I’ve known him for so long and this very moment was the only time he doubted me. Why was everyone so against me today?

“I didn’t mean to make you angry. I just wanted to make sure that you remembered what you just stated.”

I blew out a huge breath as I tried to calm down but even my body was playing against me. My lungs ached and the tasted of blood was still stuck in my throat. I knew that I had to get checked up but I just don’t want to bring up bad memories.

“So if you’re not anorexic then what happened right before you hung up on me?” I knew he was a little hurt or maybe really hurt. I never snapped at him like that for petty reasons. I felt really guilty for doing it.

“I coughed up a little blood, okay? And eventually, breakfast came out as well. But I didn’t let it out intentionally. I just felt sick,” I said lying back down on my bed.

“Do you know how bad that sounds?”

“Yeah,” I answered nonchalantly.

“Then why are you being so calm about it? We need to get you checked out in a clinic.”

“John, I already told you that I hate-”

“Your life is at risk here! Do you know what will happen if you don’t go to a doctor to see what this is about? You’ll get worse that small amount of blood might turn into a whole bucket of it! You’ll be hurling everything in your whole body! Oh, and I didn’t ask if you wanted to go get checked out. I’m telling you to get checked out.”

That outburst got me quiet. I have never seen him angry like that and what made me feel even worse was that he was angry at me. The way he reprimanded me reminded me of how much he really cared. I didn’t want to disappoint him so I decided to do the right thing.

“Fine, I’ll go. But only on one condition: you have to come with me.”

“I was hoping you’d say that,” he said with that charming smile of his. He always knew what to say and I was glad to have a brotherly best friend like him.