Revolutionary Hearts
Revolutionary Hearts
The chalet was warm enough, almost sweltering at certain points of the day when they were all crammed tightly into the same room. But when darkness crept over the mountains and silence fell over their shared bedroom, everyone asleep but him, the temperature dropped considerably. He had to lay in the rigid fashion of someone who was extremely uncomfortable with their situation, not because he disliked having Hardenberg laying behind him, or Peter on the opposite, far end. It was Jule, curled up almost against his chest like a purring kitten that made him stiffen with a painful ache in his chest. She inched closer and closer to him without ever knowing it, seeking the warmth his body threw out and Jan ached to wrap his arms around her and cradle the girl in his dusky scent. He still kept her picture in the front pocket of his jacket, even though it was water-stained from that night in the pool, and remembered how it had felt the first time their hands had touched through thick red paint. There had been an electricity that Jan had never felt before, but maybe it was just because he knew they were doing something wrong.
She was different from any girl he had ever met before, the ones who found him too intense or weird for his politically adverse ideals. He was too young and idealistic to be with someone who did not understand, someone who loved his hair but not his heart and just wanted the things that money could provide. Jule had that unfailing ability to make him smile, even when they were in the midst of trouble and her child-like wonder drew him towards her. The boy knew she was untouchable, she was Peter’s girl, but he could not help feeling the things he did for her. Jan could see it in the girl’s eyes and by the way she pulled further and further away from his friend that things were changing, but he did not quite know how to deal with it. Peter had been his best friend for fifteen years, they shared a flat, but could they really share a girl too, without it threatening to tear them apart? Their ideals were different, they were free and yet Jan no longer felt free when he considered this heavy pressure weighing on his chest. They all inevitably felt it, differently perhaps, but each one of them felt the shift like an incoming storm. And they all had to prepare themselves for the aftermath of such a thing because life could not possibly remain the same in its wake.
He was always clumsy, unaccustomed to the female form and having to sneak around behind Peter's back. Love with a fickle thing, because they both loved Peter dearly, in their own different ways; but their love for each other was too overwhelming to suppress any longer. Jule was always the instigator, but Jan was never strong enough to resist her. Typically he kept his eyes tightly sealed, not wanting to risk looking at her while she slept for fear that some undesirable consequence might ensue. But when her eyes were on him Jan could do nothing but look back at her and will the girl to kiss him, knowing that she felt the same things he did. They were too alike not to have found each other, both lost souls alone in the company of others, treading water in an endless sea of sadness. There wasn’t any sadness anymore though, not with her and Jan wondered how he hadn’t seen it before.
She was so beautiful, proud behind those darkening eyes of hers but eternally childish in her fragile state. And his touch was slightly electric as her cold skin made Jan’s fingers ache to touch her longer, even though the boy shied slightly, not used to contact of an intimate nature, but he could do nothing to push her away. It was all he could do to live in the moment as the girl touched his cheek and the boy involuntarily closed his eyes, memorizing the feeling of her hot fingers against his flushed skin. And he watched her for a moment, after their swollen lips had connected, wondering why this was happening right now and trying to process it, though his brain could not. He pushed back slightly, sliding his arms around her and pulling her into the warmth of his strong embrace. Her fingers tangled themselves in his messy hair, and his gut wrenched in that nervous, unfamiliar way of new and forbidden lovers. He had never felt any of this before, had never wanted to and didn’t want it to ever end, even when she ran her hands down his broad chest. They did not belong in this dimly lit room, cluttered with useless bodies. They were totally different from their landscape and almost on the verge of destroying this frighteningly dead moment with their youth and clarity. There was so much potential and life flowing through their veins that Jan couldn’t bear it.
They were quiet, their breathing heavy but muffled between connected lips and linen. Jan felt Hardenberg shift behind him but he was too lost in Jule to know that the man had known all along about their secret. And Peter, his back turned to them, just breathed steadily as though nothing were taking place behind him. It seemed so easy, all of these new and electrifying things taking over Jan’s senses, the flowery scent of her hair, the salty taste of her skin and the warmth that her body provided. He was a mess and she was leading him through it, teaching him as though he were the child instead of she. He might have wondered about a thousand things with any other girl, but Jule kept him locked on her, locked with her as they cautiously pressed together in the sinking silence. He loved her in that moment, just as he had done since that night in the pool when the shock of her lips against his had brought about the sickening realization.
She left him breathless and wanting more, and for the first time in his life Jan understood why people were so bereft after love lost. He felt almost empty, having to extract himself from her and closing his eyes for a pretend bout of sleep. She was still his though, tangled up in his arms and breathing into his neck, causing hair to rise that the boy didn’t know he had. And Jan knew that whatever would come after this, he would protect this fragile girl, even if she went back to Peter, because he could not bear letting her down. He could not think of himself in the context of just simply Jan anymore; she had become a part of him that night and would be from here after.
She was different from any girl he had ever met before, the ones who found him too intense or weird for his politically adverse ideals. He was too young and idealistic to be with someone who did not understand, someone who loved his hair but not his heart and just wanted the things that money could provide. Jule had that unfailing ability to make him smile, even when they were in the midst of trouble and her child-like wonder drew him towards her. The boy knew she was untouchable, she was Peter’s girl, but he could not help feeling the things he did for her. Jan could see it in the girl’s eyes and by the way she pulled further and further away from his friend that things were changing, but he did not quite know how to deal with it. Peter had been his best friend for fifteen years, they shared a flat, but could they really share a girl too, without it threatening to tear them apart? Their ideals were different, they were free and yet Jan no longer felt free when he considered this heavy pressure weighing on his chest. They all inevitably felt it, differently perhaps, but each one of them felt the shift like an incoming storm. And they all had to prepare themselves for the aftermath of such a thing because life could not possibly remain the same in its wake.
He was always clumsy, unaccustomed to the female form and having to sneak around behind Peter's back. Love with a fickle thing, because they both loved Peter dearly, in their own different ways; but their love for each other was too overwhelming to suppress any longer. Jule was always the instigator, but Jan was never strong enough to resist her. Typically he kept his eyes tightly sealed, not wanting to risk looking at her while she slept for fear that some undesirable consequence might ensue. But when her eyes were on him Jan could do nothing but look back at her and will the girl to kiss him, knowing that she felt the same things he did. They were too alike not to have found each other, both lost souls alone in the company of others, treading water in an endless sea of sadness. There wasn’t any sadness anymore though, not with her and Jan wondered how he hadn’t seen it before.
She was so beautiful, proud behind those darkening eyes of hers but eternally childish in her fragile state. And his touch was slightly electric as her cold skin made Jan’s fingers ache to touch her longer, even though the boy shied slightly, not used to contact of an intimate nature, but he could do nothing to push her away. It was all he could do to live in the moment as the girl touched his cheek and the boy involuntarily closed his eyes, memorizing the feeling of her hot fingers against his flushed skin. And he watched her for a moment, after their swollen lips had connected, wondering why this was happening right now and trying to process it, though his brain could not. He pushed back slightly, sliding his arms around her and pulling her into the warmth of his strong embrace. Her fingers tangled themselves in his messy hair, and his gut wrenched in that nervous, unfamiliar way of new and forbidden lovers. He had never felt any of this before, had never wanted to and didn’t want it to ever end, even when she ran her hands down his broad chest. They did not belong in this dimly lit room, cluttered with useless bodies. They were totally different from their landscape and almost on the verge of destroying this frighteningly dead moment with their youth and clarity. There was so much potential and life flowing through their veins that Jan couldn’t bear it.
They were quiet, their breathing heavy but muffled between connected lips and linen. Jan felt Hardenberg shift behind him but he was too lost in Jule to know that the man had known all along about their secret. And Peter, his back turned to them, just breathed steadily as though nothing were taking place behind him. It seemed so easy, all of these new and electrifying things taking over Jan’s senses, the flowery scent of her hair, the salty taste of her skin and the warmth that her body provided. He was a mess and she was leading him through it, teaching him as though he were the child instead of she. He might have wondered about a thousand things with any other girl, but Jule kept him locked on her, locked with her as they cautiously pressed together in the sinking silence. He loved her in that moment, just as he had done since that night in the pool when the shock of her lips against his had brought about the sickening realization.
She left him breathless and wanting more, and for the first time in his life Jan understood why people were so bereft after love lost. He felt almost empty, having to extract himself from her and closing his eyes for a pretend bout of sleep. She was still his though, tangled up in his arms and breathing into his neck, causing hair to rise that the boy didn’t know he had. And Jan knew that whatever would come after this, he would protect this fragile girl, even if she went back to Peter, because he could not bear letting her down. He could not think of himself in the context of just simply Jan anymore; she had become a part of him that night and would be from here after.