Hold on My Heart
I'm Looking Over Your Shoulder
He needed to be anywhere but here, this torn apart place, showered in desolation; a place where a person could be inundated with the reality of death and its power of destruction. Part of the boy wanted to just leave right now and not ever look back, but then he would be a deserter and the thought of that kind of disgrace made him cringe. Cheshire wasn’t the hero type, but he certainly did have his pride and he wasn’t a quitter. A thick sort of silence hung over the hospital, surrounded the two children as they lay in his tiny bed, wrapped up in each other, tangled to the point that it was hard to decipher whose limbs were whose. And for the first time in a long time he was comfortable in his own, strange skin; with her so close he could taste her breath, Cheshire could remember why he had always been so outwardly confident as a child. As long as she had been there by his side, Cheshire had known everything would be alright - he was never alone, and as boys go Cheshire was one of the few who needed someone to tell him things would be okay.
March was steadfast, at least when it came to Cheshire, and the boy had always wondered how that had come to be so. The girl had always jumped around, whether it was to a new boyfriend or just a new task because she had never been overly attentive. Of course she had loved him when they were children - he had been the first boy in her life, the one who was always there to guide her to the next moment, the one who cared endlessly about her silly stories, the only one who had always loved her back. But those had been the innocently careless moments of children, and now they were adults and everything was unendingly complicated, even loving the girl you’d known your entire life. Cheshire couldn’t even kiss her now, in this perfectly inopportune moment because of his fear of losing her entirely. Besides, March deserved so much more than a half broken soldier boy who would never know what a future was without a past desiccated by war.
Her confidence quelled his fear for a moment, allowing him to imagine a future where they had forgotten the cold grey skies of Wondertropolis, letting them be replaced by the warm heat of a Borderland afternoon. But that was a far away future, tinged in rosy light and unreachable to him now. And the boy wasn’t cold, how could he be with her right here, holding him together? She was important - the most important thing in his world right now, and it made his chest ache slightly when she said that they could not return to their former selves. Of course Cheshire had known it; no adult can ever go back to those sunny days of their childhood where nothing could touch them, even the distant rumblings of war. Had they ever been normal? Dancing bashfully around some subject for years that hadn’t even occurred to the two of them until this very moment. But they would always be normal in their own minds, and as long as they were together, that was enough for Cheshire. He coughed out a laugh when she asked what ‘normal’ really was, and he remembered all of her silly antics, making up strange new dance moves, trying to figure out the meanings of his books and just her clumsy nature in general. No, they had never been normal, but that was alright for Cheshire, because they had been happy; they were happy right here in this little cocoon of arms and legs and body heat. He felt like whispering promises about his getting better, about their going home soon, but he knew they were promises he might not be able to keep in the end.
Cheshire watched her as she fumbled over her words, wondering what it might be like if the two of them did someday have children. His mother had always pushed him towards the gawky girl, planning their marriage even when he had refused to ask her to his prom. Maybe that was the way things were supposed to be - maybe that was the only way he would ever be happy, if she were by his side for the rest of his life. And it scared him, the thought that some other man would take his place at any given moment. He didn’t want that to happen and would not allow the thought to penetrate his already aching chest, for fear it might be the final stake in his heart. His throat hurt, but he couldn’t help letting a soft laugh crack out at her messy way of fixing mistakes. ”God, could you imagine if we had kids March? I’d have to take care of you and them!” Oh, and there he was - her Cheshire, the boy she had been trying to pull back out this whole time. No, he wasn’t whole, he still needed sleep and he still needed to get away from this morbid place, but that light was there in his bright brown eyes, and his dimness was clearing.
And when he hugged her again his arms had seemed to regain some of their former strength, and although she wouldn’t know it, Cheshire was holding onto her for dear life. He didn’t want her to ever leave him, although the probability of that was very real and coming closer each time the allies won a battle. The boy laid there then, the sharp plains of his face smoothing considerably, letting his eyes search her for the answers he could not find within himself. Would there be a future for them together, or would they have to part, he allowing her to go on with the rest of her life with someone who had just recently entered it? He brushed the hair out of her pretty young face, studying the perfect way her nose curved above rosebud lips. And just as he had mustered up the right amount of courage to pull himself into her to kiss those lips, he felt the beating brightness of the hospital hallways on his back. Cheshire closed his eyes, hearing the girl behind him fumbling for words that couldn’t possibly apologize for her intrusion, but she didn’t have to say anything because at that moment both of them heard the sound of screaming. An acidic start of adrenaline had him shooting up off the bed, leaving March to feel the cold that had grown around them, and tearing into the quiet they had made. ”Sorry kid, but thanks for everything.” He leaned over her, the warmth of his breath caressing her forehead as he kissed her softly while buttoning his shirt. He didn’t have time to waste, he didn’t have time to say the things he wanted, but there would be other moments. So he ran out behind the nurse, leaving the girl to find her own way back out into the world that had forgotten him.
March was steadfast, at least when it came to Cheshire, and the boy had always wondered how that had come to be so. The girl had always jumped around, whether it was to a new boyfriend or just a new task because she had never been overly attentive. Of course she had loved him when they were children - he had been the first boy in her life, the one who was always there to guide her to the next moment, the one who cared endlessly about her silly stories, the only one who had always loved her back. But those had been the innocently careless moments of children, and now they were adults and everything was unendingly complicated, even loving the girl you’d known your entire life. Cheshire couldn’t even kiss her now, in this perfectly inopportune moment because of his fear of losing her entirely. Besides, March deserved so much more than a half broken soldier boy who would never know what a future was without a past desiccated by war.
Her confidence quelled his fear for a moment, allowing him to imagine a future where they had forgotten the cold grey skies of Wondertropolis, letting them be replaced by the warm heat of a Borderland afternoon. But that was a far away future, tinged in rosy light and unreachable to him now. And the boy wasn’t cold, how could he be with her right here, holding him together? She was important - the most important thing in his world right now, and it made his chest ache slightly when she said that they could not return to their former selves. Of course Cheshire had known it; no adult can ever go back to those sunny days of their childhood where nothing could touch them, even the distant rumblings of war. Had they ever been normal? Dancing bashfully around some subject for years that hadn’t even occurred to the two of them until this very moment. But they would always be normal in their own minds, and as long as they were together, that was enough for Cheshire. He coughed out a laugh when she asked what ‘normal’ really was, and he remembered all of her silly antics, making up strange new dance moves, trying to figure out the meanings of his books and just her clumsy nature in general. No, they had never been normal, but that was alright for Cheshire, because they had been happy; they were happy right here in this little cocoon of arms and legs and body heat. He felt like whispering promises about his getting better, about their going home soon, but he knew they were promises he might not be able to keep in the end.
Cheshire watched her as she fumbled over her words, wondering what it might be like if the two of them did someday have children. His mother had always pushed him towards the gawky girl, planning their marriage even when he had refused to ask her to his prom. Maybe that was the way things were supposed to be - maybe that was the only way he would ever be happy, if she were by his side for the rest of his life. And it scared him, the thought that some other man would take his place at any given moment. He didn’t want that to happen and would not allow the thought to penetrate his already aching chest, for fear it might be the final stake in his heart. His throat hurt, but he couldn’t help letting a soft laugh crack out at her messy way of fixing mistakes. ”God, could you imagine if we had kids March? I’d have to take care of you and them!” Oh, and there he was - her Cheshire, the boy she had been trying to pull back out this whole time. No, he wasn’t whole, he still needed sleep and he still needed to get away from this morbid place, but that light was there in his bright brown eyes, and his dimness was clearing.
And when he hugged her again his arms had seemed to regain some of their former strength, and although she wouldn’t know it, Cheshire was holding onto her for dear life. He didn’t want her to ever leave him, although the probability of that was very real and coming closer each time the allies won a battle. The boy laid there then, the sharp plains of his face smoothing considerably, letting his eyes search her for the answers he could not find within himself. Would there be a future for them together, or would they have to part, he allowing her to go on with the rest of her life with someone who had just recently entered it? He brushed the hair out of her pretty young face, studying the perfect way her nose curved above rosebud lips. And just as he had mustered up the right amount of courage to pull himself into her to kiss those lips, he felt the beating brightness of the hospital hallways on his back. Cheshire closed his eyes, hearing the girl behind him fumbling for words that couldn’t possibly apologize for her intrusion, but she didn’t have to say anything because at that moment both of them heard the sound of screaming. An acidic start of adrenaline had him shooting up off the bed, leaving March to feel the cold that had grown around them, and tearing into the quiet they had made. ”Sorry kid, but thanks for everything.” He leaned over her, the warmth of his breath caressing her forehead as he kissed her softly while buttoning his shirt. He didn’t have time to waste, he didn’t have time to say the things he wanted, but there would be other moments. So he ran out behind the nurse, leaving the girl to find her own way back out into the world that had forgotten him.