Can I Change?

Every day is the same. I wake up, shower, paint my eyes with excess black makeup, straighten my black hair, or what's left of it since a lot of it has fallen from not eating at all. Put some black skinny jeans on, black combat boots, studded belt, whatever black tee shirt I can find and a black or gray sweater if it's cold outside. I make sure the black wrist bands I'm wearing cover all the scars and I go downstairs to make any excuse to not eat breakfast, maybe just coffee to wake me up a little bit and say bye to my aunt who tries to take care of me, but even she knows she is doing a terrible job. Can't blame her though, she is only five years older than me, and I'm no help either. I don't want to change. I want to die.

Okay, maybe that is just too much, but I don't deserve to live, do I? Or did I didn't die for a reason?

Anyway, after I get on the bus, and normally get picked on by freshmen or sophomores since most of the juniors and seniors drive to school, just not me. I have a conversation with my deceased little sister. She tries to change me but she never ends up convincing me. She is really smart for a four year old. She acts like she is my age, eighteen,maybe even older. I guess death does that to you.

After I go to my locker, receive insults from Taylor, I go to first period, then second and third. Get yelled at by my teachers for not doing any of the work they assign me. Then comes first lunch, in which I get two or maybe three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, go to eat it alone at one of the tables inside, then go to one of the abandoned girl's bathrooms to stick two fingers down my throat and watch it all go down in the pipes. I make sure everything is out then I go to the rest of my classes. Second lunch I do the same but with other food that looks good and finish the day with P.E.

I head to the shrink Aunt Annie is forcing me to go to and "discuss my feelings" with her. I try to act all cheery so that she can let me go. I still have to go with her every day, but at least it's for two hours, not three like before. After 120 minutes of supposedly talking about my feelings, I'm free to go.

I head home and strip down my clothes to get on the scale. Today it is 98, yesterday it was 99. Only three more pounds to get to 95, my goal. Oh who am I kidding. When I get to 95, my next goal will be 90. Then 85 and so on.

I get off the scale and put some comfortable black sweat pants and listen to metal/rock music while I wait for Aunt Annie to come home. When she does, I help her do dinner and eat what I decide to throw up later.

This time at dinner, things got a little weird. Why? Because of the things Aunt Annie said to me.

"Amber, what do you want with your life?" She asked me.

"What do you mean?"

A moment of silence until she says "I know what you are going through. But please stop Amber. You are hurting yourself. I don't want another death in this family" her voice cracked.

"What if I want to die?" I said in a whisper I was not sure she could hear me.

"Why would you want that?" She said, surprisingly calm.

"To see them again"

"The day will come. But when God wants you to die, not when you kill yourself. You need to be patient Amber. You need to get out of this misery you are in. Do you think they would have liked to see you like this?"

I shake my head as I think about what she said. Maybe it's time that I stop. Maybe I can return to how life was before, when they were alive. I could go back to cheer leading and being the nice, popular girl with lots of good friends. Maybe Jay will want me back. Yes Jay, Taylor's boyfriend. He was mine before. Until he dumped me when he saw me cutting myself one night.

I excuse myself from the table and head upstairs to my bathroom. I grab the knife that I keep there and bring it to my veins. I start to cut, but stop. Would they wantt me to do this?