Jealous Hearts Will Leave Us All In Ruins

I hate this.

I hate her.

I hate him.

I love him.

I believed him when he said he loved me back. I actually thought that we had a chance, thought that just maybe we could have made something out of this mess. It's becoming clearer to me now as time wears on, that Jack and I just can't be together.

I want this, more than anything. And you have no idea how much it hurts.

It hurts seeing them together everyday. No matter how forced Jack's smiles and laughs obviously are, he's still with her. He's still with her when she's cuddled into his side watching shitty chick flicks in the back lounge; when they roll out of his bunk every morning; when they just sit there holding hands. He's still with her.

I keep telling myself that I just need to wait it out, but honestly? I'm finding it harder to believe myself. It's like the one thing that could make me whole is breaking me, and I don't know how much longer I can take it.

We've not talked since Ava got here. I've tried, honestly I have, but she is everywhere. Seriously. It's like he can't even go to the fucking bathroom without her having to follow him. I get it, I really do. I mean, life on tour is hard. Really hard. It puts huge stresses on relationships, breaks people apart. I think I understand that more than most. But there's a fine line between wanting to spend time with your boyfriend, and being a jealous paranoid fuck. Any time he tries to get away from her to spend time with us, his fucking best friends, his band mates, she throws a bitch fit; screaming at him until he gives up.

I just need to talk to him; I need him to tell me that it will all be okay, even if I know it won't.

I need my best friend back.

X-X-X-X-X

After a long walk to clear my head, I got back to the bus at around 1am to find Jack lying on his own in the back lounge watching Home Alone. I stopped to grab two beers before flopping down onto the couch next to him.

"Hey Jacky." I greeted, offering him a beer.

He jumped slightly, too engrossed in the film to realise I had walked onto the bus. When he saw who I was, he gave me huge smile, lighting up his face. I had missed that.

"Hi 'lex" he replied, accepting the beer with a small nod in thanks.

"So um. Where's Ava?" I questioned, slightly confused that she wasn't sprawled all over Jack like she usually was.

"She went to bed. We kinda had a fight and it looks like I'm sleeping in here tonight." he muttered, eyes now fixed on the bottle clasped in his hands.

I decided not to push it any further.

We sat in a comfortable silence for a while, Jack whispering along to the whole script of the film. I'm used to it, but it never gets any less annoying.

I was just about to tell him to shut the hell up, when he placed his beer on the floor and turned to face me head on.

"So, we should probably talk about... Everything, I guess." he started, fidgeting a little.

"Yeah, we should. But not right now." I answered, sensing his hesitation. "We're both tired, we should get some sleep and we can talk in the morning, okay?"

I turned to face him and automatically regretted it. His deep brown eyes bore into mine, robbing me of my breath and hurting me that much more. He nodded slightly, eyes still fixed on me.

"You can um. You can sleep in my bunk? If you want to I mean, you don't-"

Jack cut me off halfway through my babbling by pressing a soft kiss to my lips. By the time I realised what was happening, he'd already pulled away.

I stood up and led him to my bunk, letting him climb in first and press himself against the side. I climbed up after him and he wrapped his arms around me, bringing me as close to his chest as possible.

"Thanks 'lex." he whispered, pressing another small kiss to my shoulder. "I do love you, you know that right?"

"I love you too Jay." I muttered back, finding his hand and squeezing it tight, lacing my fingers with his. "More than you will ever know."