You Lost Me, You Left Me

I was sitting in my bedroom back at my apartment throwing clothes in suitcases. I planned on going to Alabama. We hadn’t sold my grandmother’s house yet since it held so many memories so I figured I could stay there for a little bit. I obviously had to come back eventually because I still shared this apartment with Megan and I had to go to school but I just had to get out of Tempe, at least for a while.

“Why the fuck do you always run away when things get tough?” A voice from behind me said.

I jumped because whoever it was had startled me. I turned around and saw John standing there in the doorway.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I went back to the apartment to try and have a civil conversation with you. Jared said you had left and said something about needing to get away so I figured you were going to run away again. Where are you going this time?”

“Alabama.”

John shook his head and said, “You are unbelievable. Why can’t you just stay and face your problems?” He then turned his head and saw the half empty bottle of wine on my nightstand. “What’s wrong PB?”

I scoffed and said, “What do you mean? You told me that you wanted me gone and I said I never wanted to see your face again so I’m getting the fuck out of here.”

“No, something else happened. You’re tipsy and there’s a half empty bottle of wine here. You only drink when you’re really upset. Same thing with cussing.”

“You know me so well.”

John walked over and kneeled down next to me, “PB, please tell me what else is going on.”

I sighed and said, “I…. I found your lyric notebooks.”

John’s face instantly went pale and he whispered, “The ones with the highlights?”

I nodded and continued, “I looked through them and it’s obvious that you’ve loved me for as long as I’ve loved you even if you didn’t realize it.”

I stood up to grab something else to put into my suitcase and John grabbed my arm stopping me. “If you realized that I’ve loved you forever then why are you running?”

I shrugged and said, “It’s easier.”

We stood there looking at each other for a couple seconds. Suddenly both of us leaned forward and attached our lips. The kiss quickly became heated. We could both feel the emotions from the past year and a half through the kiss. I begin walking backwards towards the bed taking John with me. He laid me down and then climbed on top of me, still kissing me. We stayed like that for a bit but then I became impatient and started to undo the buttons on his jeans.

John suddenly stopped kissing me and said, “We can’t do this PB.”

“Why not?” I asked still trying to undo his jeans.

He groaned and said, “Because we haven’t solved any of our issues and you’re drunk. Believe me, I want to make love to you but I don’t want us to do this tonight and then you realize that it was a mistake in the morning and go back to hating me. I couldn’t stand it if we slept together and then went back to how we’ve been the past year and a half.”

I started laughing, probably thanks to the alcohol, and said, “Well the roles have reversed this time, haven’t they?”

John gave a sad smile and said, “We just need to work out our issues PB. I don’t want to make everything ten times worse.”

“I understand.” I said and then leaned over to give John another kiss.

He groaned again and said, “PB, stop. I won’t be able to hold out much longer if you keep doing that.”

I stopped and softly said, “Sorry. So when should we work out our issues?”

“Well definitely when you’re a bit more sober. How about you come over to my apartment tomorrow?” John said as he stood up and started towards the door.

“Ok, but you don’t have to go home tonight, you can stay here. I promise I’ll be a good girl and keep my hands to myself.”

“I honestly don’t think I can stay here and not do anything to you. It’ll just be safer for the both of us if I head home.”
_______________________________________________________________________________


I headed back home replaying what had just happened in my head. Not sleeping with PB had to be one of the toughest things I had ever done. I just knew that it wouldn’t have been right though.

I got to my apartment and walked in. Garrett was sitting on our couch playing video games.

“Dude, what are you doing here?” I asked.

“I was playing video games with Jared and Kenny but they got tired and went up to bed. I also think Jared mentioned something about calling Megan? I guess they’ve been talking quite a bit lately.”

“Well if they went to bed why are you still here? Play video games at your own house.”

“No. You guys have food and booze in your fridge. I don’t.” Garrett said and then paused the game. “So where have you been at this late hour JohnOh?”

I sighed and told Garrett about the events that had just taken place at PB’s apartment. I finished the story and he started laughing.

“What the fuck is so funny?” I asked.

“Dude, you totally cockblocked yourself. Even I’m not that fucking retarded.”

“It was for the best Garrett. Anyway, she’s coming over tomorrow so we can talk.”

Garrett just shook his head and said, “Whatever. You still cockblocked yourself though. That takes skill.”