You Lost Me, You Left Me

I woke up the next morning with a massive hangover but sadly the memories of last night had stayed with me. I couldn’t believe that I had tried to sleep with John. I mean I’ve wanted to do that since high school practically but I’ve just spent the past year and a half hating the kid. I really need go to the doctor and see if I’m bipolar.

I looked over at my alarm clock and saw that it was past eleven o’clock. I figured that I might as well get up and get ready then head over to John’s. If I didn’t do it soon I’d probably lose all my nerve. I took a shower, fixed my hair, and got dressed taking as long as possible. I slipped on some pink jeans and a shirt the read “don’t break my heart.” I was hoping John would get the message.

I was finally completely ready and headed over to John’s. I rang the doorbell and he answered the door, looking as nervous as I felt.

“Hey PB, come on in.” John said, opening the door wider so I could go into the apartment.

“Hey J.” I said as I walked through the door.

“Umm, are you hungry or anything? I fixed some lunch for Jared, Kennedy, and me but they went over to Garrett’s so there’s a lot left.”

“When did you learn to cook?”

John smiled sheepishly and said, “It’s just Hamburger Helper so it was pretty easy.”

“Ok, sure. Lunch sounds good.”

I followed John into the kitchen and sat down as he got two plates out and put Hamburger Helper on them. We ate in an awkward silence, neither of us knowing how to start the conversation we knew we desperately needed to have.

I finally bit the bullet and said, “I’m really sorry about last night. I crossed the line. I was drunk and emotional but that’s not an excuse so I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I’m actually kind of glad it happened. It shows that you still have feelings for me.”

“I never stopped, J.”

“Then why were you planning on running away last night?” John questioned.

“I told you. It was easier. I spent so long hating you and then once I started to forgive you I got scared. Running seemed like the only solution.”

“Why were you scared of me?”

“I didn’t want you to leave me. Everyone in my life has left me.” I said as tears began to fall from my eyes.

John pulled me from the seat next to him onto his lap and hugged me as I cried on his shoulder.

I finally settled down and continued, “My mom died and I know that wasn’t her fault but still. Then my dad rips me from the only home I’ve ever known and my family to move me out here to Arizona while he travels ¾ of the year. Then that whole ordeal happened at Warped. I understand that I was the one that left but you made me leave. I was worried that if I let you back in you’d just hurt me again. I can’t go through that again J. The first time nearly killed me. I was depressed and for a while the only good thing in my life was being Miss America. If I hadn’t been crowned Miss America I don’t know what would have happened. That was my saving grace. Do you understand now why I couldn’t forgive you?”

John slowly began to wipe the remaining tears away. “I understand PB. I’ve understood this entire time but that didn’t make it any easier. Have you forgiven me now?”

I paused for a couple seconds and then slowly nodded my head. “Yes, I have. I’m tired of feeling like this. I need you back in my life J.”

“I promise to never do anything to make you leave ever again PB.” John said and then leaned down to attach our lips.

The kiss started innocently enough but, as it always was with us, quickly became heated.

We had been kissing for a couple minutes when John broke away and said, “Do you want to go up to my room?”

I nodded and wordlessly grabbed John’s hand as I followed him up the stairs. We got into his room and he quickly shut the door and locked it. He looked at me for a couple seconds and I noticed that his hands were shaking a bit which reassured me that he was just as nervous as I was.

John soon walked over and began kissing me again. He reached for the hem of my shirt and easily pulled it off. I did the same with his shirt and we were soon on the bed. Our pants quickly joined our shirts on the floor.

John broke away for a second and looked at me as he asked, “Are you sure about this? I want you to be 100% sure before we do this.”

“I’m positive.”

“Good. I love you PB.”

I smiled up at him and said, “I love you too, J.”
_______________________________________________________________________________

John and I were lying together, tangled in the sheets a while later with my head resting on his chest.

“Was I worth it?” I asked him.

He leaned his head up a bit to look at me and asked, “What do you mean?”

“Was I worth all the shit that I put you through? Or have you realized that I’m some crazy psycho bitch and a relationship with me is a bad idea?”

“PB you are definitely worth all the shit you put me through, although I deserved some of it. And you are not a psycho bitch. Crazy? Yes, but not a psycho bitch. Now I’m not even going to ask if I was worth it because I know I am.” John said smirking at his last statement.

I rolled my eyes and continued, “I just keep thinking through everything that’s gone on this past year and a half, from me leaving to me ignoring you and refusing to forgive you. I just keep thinking how different things could be if I would have just talked to you after what happened at Warped instead of running.”

John noticed that I had some tears in my eyes and said, “Hey, stop being so hard on yourself. The events that happen in our lives happen for a reason. We’re together now and that’s all that matters.”

We were lost in our thoughts until I broke the silence and said, “You’ve gotten even more tattoos. What do they all mean?”

“Well the V on my hip obviously refers to my name. The equal sign on my arm represents that everything will work out and be equal to how it should be in the end. Then the saying on my ribs is a reminder to myself. I actually got it right after you left. I was having a tough time but then I thought about how even though I was heartbroken, there are some people out there with worse problems such as no food or being homeless. I wanted to remind myself that some people have real problems so I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself.”

John and I spent the rest of the day and the night like that just talking, cuddling, and also a bit more than cuddling. We talked about everything; what had happened to both of us while we had been apart, memories, and random topics. It felt like old times except ten times better.