You Lost Me, You Left Me

“How’s your chicken sweetie?”

“Fine.” I said as I smiled up at Nathan. Tonight was his last night in Arizona so he wanted to take me out to a nice restaurant before he went back to New York.

“Are you feeling ok? You’ve seemed distant all night.” Nathan asked with a concerned look on his face.

“Yeah I’m fine. I guess I’m just upset that you’re leaving.” I responded back which was a complete lie. I was a little upset that he was leaving but I had been distant because I couldn’t get John out of my head. Seeing him after nearly a year and a half spun me for a loop. As much as I hated it, I was still madly in love with the boy.

“I’m sad too. Do you want to go back to my hotel room with me? We won’t do anything. I need to finish packing but I still want to spend time with you.”

I was exhausted but knew I needed to spend time with Nathan before he left so I just smiled and nodded.

We were back in Nathan’s hotel room and he was almost finished packing when he looked at me and said, “I have an idea Parker-Blaine that I’ve been wanting to ask you about for a while. Why don’t you come back to New York with me and you could move into my apartment? We could live together for a couple months, get engaged, and be married in about two years.”

“I don’t think so Nathan. I just got back to Tempe and want to stay here for a while. Plus I don’t know if I’m ready for our relationship to be this serious.” I cautiously said.

“Not ready for it to be serious? Parker-Blaine, we’ve been dating for nine months. When are you going to be ready for it to get that serious?” Nathan yelled.

“I… well… I don’t… know.” I stuttered.

Nathan looked at me for a couple seconds before he said, “You’re in love with him aren’t you?”

“Who?” I snapped.

“John. I don’t know what happened between the two of you but you guys obviously have some sort of past. It was apparent when we were at their apartment a week ago. I figured that there was something holding you back from giving yourself 100% to this relationship but now I know it’s not something but someone.”

I couldn’t say anything because no matter what I said he’d be able to tell I was lying.

Nathan sighed and said, “Listen Parker-Blaine I love you but I can’t keep fighting if you don’t love me back. Are you going to come back to New York with me? Just look me in the eye and tell me that you love me and that you’ll come back to New York with me and we’ll be fine.”

“I… I can’t.” I whispered as tears came to my eyes.

“Well I guess we both know this has to end. Goodbye Parker-Blaine.”

“Bye Nathan.” I said as I walked out of the door and out of his life.

I got back to my apartment and Megan instantly saw that I was crying. “Don’t cry sweetie. You can visit him in New York and he can visit here any time.”

“It’s not that Megs… we broke up.” I sniffled.

“You what?”

“He said that he could tell I was still in love with John and that he couldn’t continue with this relationship since he loved me more than I loved him.”

“I’m so sorry sweetie. He’s right though. You do still love John and you’ll never be able to have a serious relationship with anyone else as long as you do.”

“I don’t want to still love John though!” I cried out.

Megan just dropped the subject and went into the kitchen. She came back in a minute later with a spoon and a carton of mint chocolate chip ice cream. “Here I think you need this.”

I smiled at her gratefully as I grabbed the ice cream and dug in.
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I had been in depression mode for about a week now. I hadn’t loved Nathan but I cared for him and this breakup still hurt.

California Gurrls started blasting from my phone and I rolled my eyes at the ringtone that Katy had picked out for when she called me.

“Hello Mrs. Brand.” I said.

“Hey pretty lady! How’s my favorite Miss America doing?” Katy’s voice came through the phone.

“Pretty terrible, actually.” I said. I debated on whether or not I should try to act happy for Katy but knew that she’d see right through me.

“I thought so. I swear I have some kind of weird sixth sense. I got this feeling that I should call you because you needed me.” Katy said completely serious.

I laughed for the first time in days as I said, “You are so weird.”

Katy laughed too and said, “Let’s blame it on Russell. I swear I’ve been getting weirder ever since I married him. So what’s wrong?”

“Well I’m back home now and I saw John for the first time in a year and five months. Then Nathan broke up with me because he says I’m still in love with John.”

“Are you upset that Nathan and you broke up or upset that you still love for John?” Katy questioned.

I was taken aback for a couple seconds. No one had yet to ask this question. They all just assumed that I was upset about Nathan. “I… I’m upset that I’m still in love with John.”

“This is going to sound super cheesy but sometimes people fall apart in order to see that they truly belong together.”

Katy and I talked for a couple more minutes but then hung up because Russell was taking her out on a special date. I hung up the phone and thought about how I was slightly jealous of Katy. Russell had this rep for being a “bad boy” but he was the sweetest person to Katy. Every time they looked at each other you could tell how in love they were.

I wanted to feel something like that.