The Afterlife of a Lonely Lover
1/1
Brendon sat at the piano in the living room, his fingers aching to find the right chords and his voice bouncing off the walls of his empty house. No light came in through the windows, but Brendon had candles laid out around him for light. He liked the smell that they gave to the room and he had rarely ever been allowed to light them.
He heard Ryan come in from the kitchen and he sat down on the piano stool next to him. He waited patiently for Brendon to stop playing before he spoke.
“That sounds good.”
Brendon nodded in acknowledgment. “Thanks.”
They sat in silence for a long time, Brendon, staring down at his hands and Ryan simply sitting, watching him as he usually did.
“You know how I feel about the candles,” Ryan started with a laugh.
“Yeah, except you’re dead,” Brendon retorted. Ryan’s smile disappeared immediately. His face clouded over with anger.
“You say that like it was my fault.”
Brendon shook his head, his bitterness splashing off of him. “That’s not what I meant…”
Ryan didn’t say anything, as he usually didn’t. Brendon could feel Ryan’s eyes piercing his skin. It was odd feeling a certain way because of someone who wasn’t really there. He laid his hands on his lap, giving himself something to stare at. The silence ate away at him more when Ryan was there. There were so many words that he wanted to say, but never quite seemed able to. Instead, he brought his hands back up to the piano and began playing once more. Ryan listened. He closed his eyes and wiggled closer to Brendon. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw him nodding. He stopped suddenly, pulling a soft noise from the back of Ryan’s throat, a sound of disapproval.
“You stopped,” he stated.
“That’s all I have so far.”
Ryan nodded. “If I talk to the Big Man, I could probably make it a hit.”
Brendon laughed. “So God exists then?” He raised his eyebrows questioningly.
Ryan rolled his eyes with a grin and turned towards the piano and began to play something. Brendon joined him, humming a melody. His stomach churned the way it did when they used to make music together, the excitement beating up against his insides like a hummingbird. He smiled at Ryan when he finally stopped playing.
“That was really good,” Brendon said.
“Better not steal it from me,” Ryan defended with a laugh.
“What are you gonna do? Sue me?”
Ryan laughed and shoved Brendon, the younger nearly losing his balance and toppling to the floor. Brendon laughed and looked back down at his hands. He could feel tears start to prick at his eyes. He smiled so that Ryan wouldn’t be able to see how much this hurt.
“I was gonna go to bed,” Brendon finally mumbled.
Ryan nodded, a smile filled with disappointment on his face. “Okay, that’s fine.”
“I’m sorry.” Brendon hoped his voice would break so Ryan would decide to stay.
“Hey, don’t be sorry. I came around pretty late.” Brendon nodded. “I’ll see you then, alright?
Goodnight, Bren.”
“Night…”
Ryan stood and waved before he left the room. Brendon stayed glued to the piano stool long after Ryan left, tears streaming down his cheeks.
“Fuck,” he muttered, wiping at his eyes impatiently. When they didn’t stop, he stood quickly, pushing the stool out from under him. He strode towards his bedroom and tore his clothes off of his body before climbing beneath his cold blankets. He pulled them up over his head and clung at his pillows as he let his tears stream freely down his cheeks. He didn’t make any noise, he hadn’t made any noise in a long time, not since he lost Ryan.
---
“Yeah, I’ve only really got one new one,” Brendon explained the following week at the studio.
Spencer shrugged and took a long drag on his cigarette. “I haven’t got any new ones.”
Brendon laughed and turned towards the piano, cracking his knuckles before he let his fingers peruse the smooth ivory. He began to sing. He saw Spencer lean forward, an expression of curious approval on his face.
“That was wrong,” Ryan whispered into his ear, causing Brendon to jump. He looked over at Ryan with annoyance, conscious enough to not open his mouth.
“Sorry,” Brendon said to Spencer and turned back to the piano. He wished Ryan away silently. He began to sing again, making sure to get the chords just right so Ryan would leave him the fuck alone.
“Oh, there you go. You did it right that time,” Ryan teased. Brendon simply shook his voice away and concentrated on keeping his fingers moving. Ryan sat down next to him, nudging him playfully. Brendon could feel anger rising up within him. It took one more nudge from Ryan to make Brendon stand suddenly. Spencer watched him with uncertainty.
“Are you okay?” Spencer asked.
“I, ugh—yeah…” Brendon ran a hand through his hair. “I’m just not really feeling well. I, um—I think I’m gonna go home…”
Spencer nodded, standing closer to Brendon. “Okay, yeah, that’s fine. We’ll finish tomorrow.”
“Yeah,” Brendon said, grabbing his jacket. “Sorry about this.” He didn’t wait for an answer from Spencer before he left the recording room. He could hear Ryan following him and through the tears, he wished he wouldn’t. He climbed in his car and started it before Ryan had the chance to get in. He drove, hands shaking as he clutched the steering wheel, towards his house. After he pulled up in his driveway, he went towards his house, shutting the car door behind him too forcefully. When he opened his front door, Ryan stood in the
foyer.
“Oh, fuck off!” Brendon shouted, his eyes brimming with tears and his heart racing.
Ryan reached out to touch Brendon’s arms soothingly. “Bren, wait.”
“No!” Ryan cowered slightly. “No! I’m not listening to you anymore! I’m not living my life waiting for you to show up again.”
“Bren, I just wanted to say I’m sorry…”
“You’re sorry? It took you this long to realize that you might have something to be sorry for?” Ryan stepped backwards, lowering his head. “I buried you, Ryan! I buried you… I don’t need you coming back over and over, reminding me that you’re gone. You’re not helping me, Ry…”
“I’m sorry,” Ryan pleaded.
“You just make this so fucking hard… I just want time to get through this and you’re not letting me—you’re driving me insane, man!”
“I just thought I might be helping you and—and I miss you too.” His voice was small, like a pebble dropping into a stream.
Brendon sighed heavily. “I get that, baby… I do.” Brendon reached out and touched Ryan’s cheek. “But this isn’t fair…”
Ryan nodded, turning into Brendon’s loving caress. “I know… I’m sorry… I—I promise I’ll let you be. I can’t promise I’ll stop watching you.”
Brendon laughed. “That’s okay. I’ll still look at pictures of you.”
Ryan smiled weakly. “As long as you don’t cry.” Brendon laughed lightly. He knew Ryan was already asking too much. “You know I’m okay. And that I’ll never really be gone…”
Brendon could feel the sobs clawing at his stomach. Soon, they would control him. He looked down and felt the tears begin to fall through his long eyelashes. He shook his head, trying to make them disappear. He heard Ryan step towards him.
“I’m sorry,” Brendon started, his voice cracking. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you…”
Ryan wrapped his arms around him, hugging him against his chest. “It’s okay, baby.” He squeezed him tightly, kissing the top of his head. He started to guide Brendon towards their bedroom and laid him down in the bed. He tucked the blankets up under his arms and sat on the edge of the bed. He stroked Brendon’s hair lovingly and smiled as sweetly as a father.
“Are you gonna sleep okay?”
“I think so,” Brendon mumbled, closing his tired eyes for a moment.
“Okay, I’m gonna go then.”
Brendon nodded and squeezed Ryan’s hand.
“I love you,” he croaked, his eyes filled with tears again.
“I know,” Ryan soothed. “I love you too…”
Ryan leaned down and placed a soft kiss on Brendon’s forehead, lingering a moment for his longing lips. He stood and started for the door slowly. Brendon smiled weakly and waved. He reminded Ryan of a small child. He longed to climb back into bed with him and wrap his arms around his thinning waist, but he knew that Brendon was right, he needed to give him space.
And he did try, breaking his promise only in the darkest hour of night to return to his home and lay a soft, goodnight kiss on his lonely lover’s cheek.
He heard Ryan come in from the kitchen and he sat down on the piano stool next to him. He waited patiently for Brendon to stop playing before he spoke.
“That sounds good.”
Brendon nodded in acknowledgment. “Thanks.”
They sat in silence for a long time, Brendon, staring down at his hands and Ryan simply sitting, watching him as he usually did.
“You know how I feel about the candles,” Ryan started with a laugh.
“Yeah, except you’re dead,” Brendon retorted. Ryan’s smile disappeared immediately. His face clouded over with anger.
“You say that like it was my fault.”
Brendon shook his head, his bitterness splashing off of him. “That’s not what I meant…”
Ryan didn’t say anything, as he usually didn’t. Brendon could feel Ryan’s eyes piercing his skin. It was odd feeling a certain way because of someone who wasn’t really there. He laid his hands on his lap, giving himself something to stare at. The silence ate away at him more when Ryan was there. There were so many words that he wanted to say, but never quite seemed able to. Instead, he brought his hands back up to the piano and began playing once more. Ryan listened. He closed his eyes and wiggled closer to Brendon. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw him nodding. He stopped suddenly, pulling a soft noise from the back of Ryan’s throat, a sound of disapproval.
“You stopped,” he stated.
“That’s all I have so far.”
Ryan nodded. “If I talk to the Big Man, I could probably make it a hit.”
Brendon laughed. “So God exists then?” He raised his eyebrows questioningly.
Ryan rolled his eyes with a grin and turned towards the piano and began to play something. Brendon joined him, humming a melody. His stomach churned the way it did when they used to make music together, the excitement beating up against his insides like a hummingbird. He smiled at Ryan when he finally stopped playing.
“That was really good,” Brendon said.
“Better not steal it from me,” Ryan defended with a laugh.
“What are you gonna do? Sue me?”
Ryan laughed and shoved Brendon, the younger nearly losing his balance and toppling to the floor. Brendon laughed and looked back down at his hands. He could feel tears start to prick at his eyes. He smiled so that Ryan wouldn’t be able to see how much this hurt.
“I was gonna go to bed,” Brendon finally mumbled.
Ryan nodded, a smile filled with disappointment on his face. “Okay, that’s fine.”
“I’m sorry.” Brendon hoped his voice would break so Ryan would decide to stay.
“Hey, don’t be sorry. I came around pretty late.” Brendon nodded. “I’ll see you then, alright?
Goodnight, Bren.”
“Night…”
Ryan stood and waved before he left the room. Brendon stayed glued to the piano stool long after Ryan left, tears streaming down his cheeks.
“Fuck,” he muttered, wiping at his eyes impatiently. When they didn’t stop, he stood quickly, pushing the stool out from under him. He strode towards his bedroom and tore his clothes off of his body before climbing beneath his cold blankets. He pulled them up over his head and clung at his pillows as he let his tears stream freely down his cheeks. He didn’t make any noise, he hadn’t made any noise in a long time, not since he lost Ryan.
---
“Yeah, I’ve only really got one new one,” Brendon explained the following week at the studio.
Spencer shrugged and took a long drag on his cigarette. “I haven’t got any new ones.”
Brendon laughed and turned towards the piano, cracking his knuckles before he let his fingers peruse the smooth ivory. He began to sing. He saw Spencer lean forward, an expression of curious approval on his face.
“That was wrong,” Ryan whispered into his ear, causing Brendon to jump. He looked over at Ryan with annoyance, conscious enough to not open his mouth.
“Sorry,” Brendon said to Spencer and turned back to the piano. He wished Ryan away silently. He began to sing again, making sure to get the chords just right so Ryan would leave him the fuck alone.
“Oh, there you go. You did it right that time,” Ryan teased. Brendon simply shook his voice away and concentrated on keeping his fingers moving. Ryan sat down next to him, nudging him playfully. Brendon could feel anger rising up within him. It took one more nudge from Ryan to make Brendon stand suddenly. Spencer watched him with uncertainty.
“Are you okay?” Spencer asked.
“I, ugh—yeah…” Brendon ran a hand through his hair. “I’m just not really feeling well. I, um—I think I’m gonna go home…”
Spencer nodded, standing closer to Brendon. “Okay, yeah, that’s fine. We’ll finish tomorrow.”
“Yeah,” Brendon said, grabbing his jacket. “Sorry about this.” He didn’t wait for an answer from Spencer before he left the recording room. He could hear Ryan following him and through the tears, he wished he wouldn’t. He climbed in his car and started it before Ryan had the chance to get in. He drove, hands shaking as he clutched the steering wheel, towards his house. After he pulled up in his driveway, he went towards his house, shutting the car door behind him too forcefully. When he opened his front door, Ryan stood in the
foyer.
“Oh, fuck off!” Brendon shouted, his eyes brimming with tears and his heart racing.
Ryan reached out to touch Brendon’s arms soothingly. “Bren, wait.”
“No!” Ryan cowered slightly. “No! I’m not listening to you anymore! I’m not living my life waiting for you to show up again.”
“Bren, I just wanted to say I’m sorry…”
“You’re sorry? It took you this long to realize that you might have something to be sorry for?” Ryan stepped backwards, lowering his head. “I buried you, Ryan! I buried you… I don’t need you coming back over and over, reminding me that you’re gone. You’re not helping me, Ry…”
“I’m sorry,” Ryan pleaded.
“You just make this so fucking hard… I just want time to get through this and you’re not letting me—you’re driving me insane, man!”
“I just thought I might be helping you and—and I miss you too.” His voice was small, like a pebble dropping into a stream.
Brendon sighed heavily. “I get that, baby… I do.” Brendon reached out and touched Ryan’s cheek. “But this isn’t fair…”
Ryan nodded, turning into Brendon’s loving caress. “I know… I’m sorry… I—I promise I’ll let you be. I can’t promise I’ll stop watching you.”
Brendon laughed. “That’s okay. I’ll still look at pictures of you.”
Ryan smiled weakly. “As long as you don’t cry.” Brendon laughed lightly. He knew Ryan was already asking too much. “You know I’m okay. And that I’ll never really be gone…”
Brendon could feel the sobs clawing at his stomach. Soon, they would control him. He looked down and felt the tears begin to fall through his long eyelashes. He shook his head, trying to make them disappear. He heard Ryan step towards him.
“I’m sorry,” Brendon started, his voice cracking. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you…”
Ryan wrapped his arms around him, hugging him against his chest. “It’s okay, baby.” He squeezed him tightly, kissing the top of his head. He started to guide Brendon towards their bedroom and laid him down in the bed. He tucked the blankets up under his arms and sat on the edge of the bed. He stroked Brendon’s hair lovingly and smiled as sweetly as a father.
“Are you gonna sleep okay?”
“I think so,” Brendon mumbled, closing his tired eyes for a moment.
“Okay, I’m gonna go then.”
Brendon nodded and squeezed Ryan’s hand.
“I love you,” he croaked, his eyes filled with tears again.
“I know,” Ryan soothed. “I love you too…”
Ryan leaned down and placed a soft kiss on Brendon’s forehead, lingering a moment for his longing lips. He stood and started for the door slowly. Brendon smiled weakly and waved. He reminded Ryan of a small child. He longed to climb back into bed with him and wrap his arms around his thinning waist, but he knew that Brendon was right, he needed to give him space.
And he did try, breaking his promise only in the darkest hour of night to return to his home and lay a soft, goodnight kiss on his lonely lover’s cheek.