Have No Fear

It was over. Her relationship with Brian, or whatever you wanted to call it.
I had been home for about two weeks now, at least I think it has been two weeks. I didn't really know what day it was anymore.

I slowly climbed out of my bed to go to the kitchen. I needed to eat something, I wasn't really feeling like eating but the lack of food started to make me feel even worse.

She started her routine, heating the soup and grabbing some bread. She did this once a day while the rest of the day she was laying in her bed. She couldn't remember the last time she left her appartement.

She looked like the living dead, she had lost weight due to the lack of eating, she was pale and had bags under her eyes, she looked like hell but she could care less.

She hadn't really been sleeping much either. She would be awake for 48 hours before she would finally fall asleep from pure exhaustion, where she would sleep for max 4 hours before it would start all over again.

And the worst thing was that she didn't understand why she felt this way. Okay she had realised that she was in love with Brian but still...

She knew from the start that he was married and he never promised her anything, he never said that he would leave his wife. She had known from the beginning that it was just a tour fling, so why did it hurt so bad...

---

3 Months later

It had taken her a few weeks but she was functioning again, I ate regurarly now, I hung out with friends again and probably the most important thing, I slept again. Though with some help but I didn't care, those sleep medication where the only thing that got me through the night.

That combined with the anti depressants made sure I could live again. It had been my mothers idea. When I had visited them a couple of weeks ago, my parents had been shocked by my appereance so my mother got me an appointment with my old doctor, who prescribed me the meds.

Those two meds really got me through the day and with them I could function normally. Offcourse I still had some bad days where I was thinking of Brian but that was solved easily with a pill extra.

---

4 Months later

Over the next four months I had been back in the studio with the band. We started recording our second record and due to my experiences over the last year I had tons of inspiration. This album was a lot darker and harder than the last one.

It was a difficult time, all of the songs I had written were in someway related to Brian so in the last few weeks a lot of memories of him and me came up. I tried to push the memories and feelings away but he was still the insiration to most of the songs but thankfully the pills took the edge off.

The rest of the band didn't know that I was taking med's, I didn't want them to know that after a stupid break up I had to take medication to get through the day.

After finishing the album we started touring again. This time we were headlining a small tour which was great but at first I didn't really want to go. So many memories of Brian would come up and I would have to think about them everyday, and at night during the shows I would sing about him.

I was afraid that I couldn't handle it and I was right, the first week was terrible and I felt miserable but after heightening my doses a little I started to feel a lot better. I didn't think it would matter anyway, I had enough of them because the doctor prescribed me extra because of the lenght of the tour and more important they helped me through the day.

Even though the tour had a bad start, it only got better, I really loved performing and meeting all the new fans we had. Another plus side was the partying, we had some fun people on the tour who loved to party and drink and I was always joining.

I was fine I really was.

---

3 Months in to the Tour

The tour was amazing and the fans were loving it. We were really starting to get really big, everyday we had interviews, our musicvideo was shown constantly on the tv and our shows were sold out.

Everything was great but I started to notice that I was getting more and more anxious about performing and being around people. Until now it hadn't caused for any problems but on one of the last shows of the tour in New York we had to cancel the show, I had gotten a huge panic attack in the dressing room with all the other band members there. I had a few panic attacks in the weeks before but never in front of anyone so they never noticed.

That night in New York they didn't have to cancel, I was fine after a while. The band got angry after I told them it wasn't the first time but it got worse when they found my pills after we went back to the bus.

They thought I had a problem since I was running through my supply quickly and they had some kind of intervention, they said that they would cancel the tour and that I needed to see someone for it. I didn't want the tour to be cancelled because I was fine, I was happy, I eat well, I slept well so I told them that I spilt some pills the other day and that was why I was running low. I also told them that I didn't take them that night and that was the reason I had a panic attack.

I don't know if they believed me but they left it alone after that but they were making me promise that we would talk more about it when we were home. We would be home in two days for a small break of two weeks, but that meant I still had to perform two more shows I was afraid that I would get another attack in front of them and decided to see a doctor. I explained my problems with anxiety attacks and he prescribed me some Xanax.

After two more show we finally went home, I was glad because the last two days hadn't been that great in the bus with the others. I had the feeling that they were constantly watching me, so when we arrived in Los Angles I quickly took a cab home wanting go get away from the busy airport but also my band members.

I knew that they though I had a problem but I had it all under control. I soon arrived in my apartment, I hadn't been here in 3 months and I had missed it. I soon decided to go get groceries, as all the cupboards where empty. I didn't really wanted to go as I was tired but I just wanted to get it over with.

When I came home I put everything away and grabbed the music magazine that I had bought. In the news section there was a piece on the cancelled New York show, they speculated as to why we had cancelled it, they said that there were rumors of the band fighting and a possible break up. I laughed, not everything was alright at the moment in the band but we were far from breaking up.

I flipped the page and I froze, in the bottom was a picture of Brian, my eyes went to the text accompanying the picture. They were talking about a new single of Avenged Sevenfold that they just released, which Brian had written. He told the magazine that the song was about some mistakes in the past that he had made and that he just wanted to forget them and move on with his life. When asked if he could tell more he said that it was about something that had happened a year ago. A year ago, we were on tour together a year ago, pain stroke me and I laid the magazine away. I was just a mistake too him.

I went in to the small kitchen to grab the bottle of wine I just bought, I poured myself a glass and downed it. It didn't help much and I filled another glass before walking to the living room where I put the bottle and glass on the coffee table while I went trough my bag getting my med's.

I started feeling so much pain and I was on the verge of a panic attack. I grabbed the bottles thinking which one to take, I didn't know which one as I couldn't think straight but I needed something. I tried to open one of the bottles not knowing which one it was, I couldn't get it open and I started getting frustrated. The tears started to run down my check as I finally got the bottle open I quickly took one pill out and chased it away with wine straight from the bottle. I didn't feel it work so opened the other bottles and also took a couple of pills of each bottle and chased them again away with the alcohol.

I still felt terrible I decided that I should try to sleep and when I would awake I would be fine again. I took a few sleeping pills so that I was sure that I would sleep well and made my way to my room. Not soon after I laid down I fell in to a deep sleep.

---
At the Airport

"We really need to talk to her soon." Pete said to two remaining band members. They both agreed with him. They all had noticed the changes in her since they started touring, it had been small things but when you live together in a bus you notice. She always seemed tired even though she was sleeping a lot, she started to forget things a lot of things, just to name two things.

They thought that it wasn't that bad they could understand that she had had a difficult time with the whole situation with Brian. But that changed a few days ago at the end of the first leg of the tour, Kate had a panic attack before performing their New York show and they knew that something was wrong. After she had calmed down they went to the bus and they had seen her taking pills.

When they confronted her, they saw it were sleeping med's and anti depressants. I looked at the date they were given out and how much pills there were and after a quick calculation I figured out that she took 4 to 5 pills a day and not the 1 pill that said on the side of the bottle. Kate explained it with some bullshit answer about spilling pills and stuff but we let it go and decided to confront her when we were home again since we had only two shows left anyway.

The three of us had decided to just go home now and meet up tomorrow at her apartment, there we would talk with her and we would go from there. They had two weeks until the tour continued, so that was time enough to see which steps we had to take, maybe we'll need to cancel the tour when Kate had to go to rehab or something but I really didn't want to think about that now.

After saying my goodbye's I took a cab home. When I arrived there I just couldn't let the whole Kate thing go, I had a bad feeling about it. I decided to look the medication up on the Internet, I opened my laptop and went to Google. I typed the two medications that we found in her bag, sleeping pills&anti depressant. The page loaded and soon the results came up, I looked at the first result: Heath Ledger's deadly cocktail of anti depressants and sleeping pills.

I was shocked I knew that taking to much of these pills was unhealthy but it was really dangerous. I looked around on the other result but one was more depressing than the other, one website also warned for combining the pills with alcohol, which I knew Kate has done during the tour.

I got very nervous and grabbed my phone trying to call Kate, she didn't answer answer. I knew that I wouldn't be getting any peace before talking to her, I got up and grabbed my jacket and car keys. I drove straight to Kate's apartment while trying to call her, she didn't answer.

Within 10 minutes I was there, I quickly made my way up the stairs, I knocked on the door but there was no answer. I knocked again more forcefully this time but again there was no answer. I grabbed my key chain, thanking god that she gave me a key to her apartment a couple of years back.

I opened the door and called her name, there was no answer and I walked in. When I got to the living room I looked around, I saw the pill bottles lying around and a bottle of wine sitting beside it. My insides ran cold as I ran to the bedroom, there she was, passed out on the bed.
I ran to her and grabbed her wrist to check for a pulse, I didn't feel any. I wanted to cry, I grabbed my cell phone to cal 911. "911 what's your emergency."

"My friend she took some pills, I don't feel a pulse please help." I was crying now.

"Sir what's the address?"

I gave her the address and within a few minutes I heard the sirens. Not soon after the EMT's came through the door, they pushed me aside and started working on her. After this it was all a blur and before I knew it we were in the hospital. In a moment of clarity I realised I should call people telling them what was going on.

"Hey Peter man, missing me already." I heard a laughing voice say on the other end of the phone. I let out a sob. "Elliot it's Kate..." I fell quiet.

"Peter, what's wrong, what's with Kate?" His voice was full with worry. "She is in the hospital, I found her... She overdosed." I was full out crying now.

"What... Is she okay."

"I don't know, she wasn't breathing." I heard Elliot starting to cry on the other line. He told me he would come to the hospital after he had informed Brad.

It seemed to take ages but finally Elliot and Brad arrived, beside them were their girlfriends and also our manager Greg. They all had red eyes from crying.

After they arrived we still had to wait but this time I at least had the others. I had no feeling of time I just knew that it took long. Every time a doctor or nurse came through the doors we jumped up but they never asked for us. Finally her name was called, a doctor was standing there we jumped up, wanting to know how she was doing.

"Is anyone of you a family member of Kate Saunders?" We all shook out heads.

"I'm sorry but I can only release the information to a family member." I was shocked I couldn't wait for her parents to come her they lived hours away and I didn't have any contact information on me.

"No doctor but this is my best friend. I came in with her." I said desperately wanting to know what happened. The doctor looked at me with a sad look.

"I'm sorry, we tried everything we could..." He didn't even had to finish the sentence I knew what he was going to say. I started crying again, and felt my knees let out. I was let to a chair and I just cried. I lost my best friend, my sister. I had knew her all my live and now she was gone.

I was hugging Brad while we both cried. We all were shocked and torn apart by what had happened in the last few moments. And to think that not even hours ago she was still with us in the airport. After a while Greg got his cell phone out to start informing the right people. I knew that her parents still needed to find out so I grabbed my phone calling my parents to ask for her number.

After a while we went in to see her, it looked as if she was sleeping she was lying there so peaceful. I touched her face, she still felt warm and it it wasn't for the tube in her mouth I wouldn't have believed it.

My friend, My sister.

---

In the week after Kate's dead the phone calls and messages came in. Friends of us, people we had worked with, other bands, they all wanted to give us their condolences. I really didn't care for them I just wanted Kate back.

After coming back from the hospital I went to her apartment and there I found her diary, I knew it was private but I had to understand why she did it, why she took the pills. In the diary she wrote about her struggles with what happened with Brian and the pill abuse that followed.

I blamed myself I didn't know that she had taken that much pills for so long I should have noticed, talked more to her, doing something, anything. I should have cancelled the last show and forced her to go to cancelling. I shouldn't have let her go home alone after we had landed.

Then I found the magazine, it was lying next to the bottles, I saw the picture of Brian and I read the text beside it. I knew this was what got her over the edge. I got so angry and threw the magazine away. I wanted to punch something, only the person I wanted to punch wasn't here. I grabbed my phone and dialed his number.

"Hey Peter, I just heard the news of Kate is it true, please tell me it isn't true." His voice sounded rough as if he had been crying but I didn't care.
"It's all your fault. She took those pills because of you. You killed her." I was crying now.

Brian remained speechless on the other line, then I heard a sob. He started crying too. We both kept crying on our side of the line. Until I ended the connection not wanting to listen to him cry over her as it was his fault, if Kate hadn't met him then she would still have been here.

I heard the beep line on the other side and I put my phone away. I was crying hysterical now, Kate was dead, he had loved her so much even when it was over. After the tour had ended he thought about leaving Michelle but he never did, he was afraid that he would end up alone. He had stayed with Michelle and tried not to think about Kate.

The first few months after the tour he got into drinking and also into some drugs, he knew that what he was doing was wrong but they made him forget. After a while the guys noticed and demanded that he would stop. He did, at least for the most part, he still drank a lot on the bad days.

After that he started to write more music but he also started to write some texts. One of those even made it on the record, it had been about Kate and how it was a mistake to let go. I went downstairs to grab a bottle of jack, I didn't bother grabbing a glass I just drank straight from the bottle.

Just before he got the call he had heard about her. He was devastated when he found out, he had checked it on the Internet and there it was confirmed by their management. The cause was unknown until after an autopsy but they suspected a mix of antidepressants, sleeping pills and alcohol.

A few minutes later he got the call from Peter, he thought back at what he had said, it was his fault that she had died. He felt even more terrible if that was possible.

I drank some more hoping that when I drunk enough I would pass out and I didn't need to feel the pain anymore. I finished the bottle and went to grab another one. I was feeling the effects of the first one already as I slightly stumbled to the kitchen. When I opened the new bottle, I started crying again and I wiped my nose, It was red and sore right now from all the wiping but I didn't care.

I heard the front door open and my wife came in. She yelled a hello but I didn't answer I just continue crying and I took another swig. When Michelle entered the living room she just stared at me before asking me what was wrong.

'She's dead, and it's all my fault." I cried.

"Who died?" I didn't respond to her I just cried harder. "Brian, honey you are starting to worry me. Please talk to me."

I ignored her and turned my back, she tried to get me to talk but I didn't answer. Finally she stopped trying I heard her calling someone.

"Matt, can you come over. Brian is drinking and talking about someone that died. He isn't answering me." Michelle also started crying, she was scared she had no idea what was going one with her husband. Matt told her he would come straight away.

When he arrived he looked at the mess that was one of his best friends. Michelle was standing in the kitchen crying not knowing what was going on. I had heard what happened to Kate but I didn't know that he would respond like this. I took the bottle away from him and put my arms around him.

I felt him take my bottle and I put my arms around him. "She's dead Matt, Kate's dead." Matt pulled me into him while I just cried. I heard Michelle ask Matt who Kate was but he didn't answer. Matt tried to calm me and eventually helped me upstairs to my bed.

I was a mess, the next few days I didn't leave my bed. Michelle knew now who Kate was it was all over the Internet and also on the news, but she didn't know about me and Kate although she had her suspicions. I didn't want to tell her yet because I knew that it would unleash a lot of problems I'm not ready to deal with right now.

I decided that I wouldn't go to the funeral, the phone call from Peter made it clear to me that I wasn't welcome. A few days after the funeral I went to her grave, I still couldn't believe that she was gone, I had the feeling that she would come around the corner and yell 'Suprise I was just joking.'

But that didn't happen.

---

Eventually Michelle found out what had happened between Kate and I. She had found out from her twin sister Val, Matt had told finally told her after he asked him for weeks and she had told Michelle. She was really angry and even moved out for a while but I couldn't really care. After a while we got back together mostly because of Val and Matt, they made us talk to each other again so eventually she came back. Even though we were again together, our marriage was far from good. I just wasn't with my heart in it anymore, I tried to avoid being home and the last time we slept together was a long time ago.

I also took up drinking again, most of the nights I wasn't home I was drinking in some bar until I couldn't think or feel anything. The guys found out soon what was going on and they were really worried and made me check into a facility for my drinking problems.

It was now 6 months after Kate's dead and slowly I started to get better. I had stopped drinking all together and I was also back on tour as the first tour got cancelled because of my stint in rehab. Me and Michelle were doing okay, we still had some troubles but we were working through them.

Waken had cancelled their continuation of their tour. and considered retiring their band but after a lot of thinking they decided that Kate would have wanted for them to continue. After a 6 months hiatus they had started to record a new album as they didn't want to continue the tour. A good friend of Kate's and the band's had taken her position of singer as singer of the band.

Life continued for everyone but I still think about her everyday.