Below the Black Cliffs

It was amazing how quiet everything could be during a fight when you take the screaming away by turning an invisible volume switch. All that is left is the person fuming in front of you while silence eats up everything else in the world. The silence was more deafening then the yelling actually. It felt like it was sinking into my body and slowly suffocating me, while on the other hand, yelling felt like a wooden bat being slammed into the side of my head knocking me out in one single blow.

To be honest, I don’t know which one frightens me the most, but I know for a fact that my lover’s anger was terrifying me to the core.

“You promised Cinder! How...how can you just break that?” He asked in angry disbelief. “I thought you meant it, hell I thought you were different then all the others!”

Ezra threw his arms up in the air as his frame started to shake. I wanted so much to crawl across the floor and hold his hand in mine to calm him down, but with how angry he is, it would probably be a suicide mission. Ezra being livid like this was almost nonexistent. I wasn’t looking up at my lover – but somebody else.

Somebody I created by stupidity and accident.

I should have been smarter, I should have thought more, I should have gotten my own drinks and I probably should’ve just stayed home anyway. I should have done a lot of things I didn’t do last night. I wish I stayed home and save not only mine but his heart from cracking also.

“What were you thinking?” He yelled lifting his hands to his hair and pulled. “Why do you do this to yourself?” He asked voice fading out.

He stared at me hard as tears rimmed around his eyes. He was blinking hard to keep them back, though a couple did escape trickling from the corners. I didn’t even bother holding back my tears; they trailed down my cheeks like waterfalls and dripped onto my shirt all but soaking the fabric.

I let my eyes trail down to the ground in front of his feet and didn’t say anything. It felt like I had no air in my chest to breathe let alone answer him back. I wanted to explain why I went to that party with my friend so I wouldn’t be home alone again for another night and that I only planned to have two light drinks – not that I wanted to go out and drink until I couldn’t see straight.

Henna had given me those drinks and though they were non-alcoholic like I did. He wasn’t planning on drinking either, but well no one told us that everything drinkable in the house was tampered with alcohol in some way. Even the guy that had the party didn’t know.

Now because of that idiot who did it made me break my promise of not hurting myself anymore. When I drink I get worse, I sink back into that dark hole of bad memories my dad created and sometimes take it out on myself. I was lucky this time I was only tipsy and didn’t do anything stupid.

“What happened Cinny, you were doing so good.” He said voice raising again. “I want to help you, I want to save you from everything others put you though and piece you back together, I want to see you fucking happy! Why do that and almost fuck up how far you have gotten?” He screamed. “Do you not want to be happy?!”

As the words ‘fuck up’ left his lips I started gasping for air more that what I was before. My hands that were palm down on the floor in front of me started scratching at the wood like if it was that was the thing strangling me.

I was suddenly falling, so hard and so fast. My fragile world I built back up crumbling to dust.

The rope that Ezra made to stop me from falling has snapped with those two words. Dad called me those words every single day until Ezra helped me to escape and bring back life to me that I had lost. I was falling hard and hitting the black cliffs on the way down. How can two stupid words do that? Or were it because he was spilling his feeling out so much; I dunno.

“I hate seeing you so dead like Cinny! I just want you to smile and mean it. I want you to beat that black shadow he created, I know you can but you have to let yourself do it and let me help you!”

A sob choked its way out between gasps as my body started shaking violently. I forced my head up to look at him, though through my tears I could barely see a thing.

“P-p-please.” I gasped out.

Ezra slowly shook his head and took a couple of steps back towards the front door of our house. I knew what he was going to do. My eyes widen in terror and my hand shot out reaching for him. If he leaves, everything will crumble, he can’t leave, not now. He’s the only thing I have that holds me together.

“I can’t help you like this Cinny. I need to calm down – we need to calm down. I can’t help you right now.” He sighed rubbing at his eyes. “I’ll be back later, I just...I can’t right now.”

Shaking probably as bad as what I was he headed out the door. The second it shut behind him I had fallen that far I slammed into the ground at the bottom on the black cliffs, rolling a few times before coming to a stop.

It felt like I had shattered like a glass thrown at a wall. My neck was broken and twisted too far out for repair squeezing my throat shut. My limbs were stretched awkwardly in all directions around me, amazingly still connected in the sockets. There was no air in my lungs, yet they still gasped for it. Heartbeats were slow and skipping a lot, my heart probably looked like a battered piñata.

My eyes stayed open though, just staring back up from where I fell. I felt no pain but only numbness.

In reality I was curled into a ball in the middle of the room sobbing hard, but that’s what I felt like.

I had never expected me to fall like that.

+.+.+

The next two days I was the same to be dead honest.

In my head, my body was still lying in the same spot at the bottom of the cliffs unmoving and untouched. Every now and then - though one would think falling like that I would be dead - I gasped for a breath and blinked or twitched my fingers.

At home the house was silent apart from when either my mobile or the house phone would ring. I know it was Ezra calling and probably Henna too but I couldn’t get myself to answer. Ezra did come over a few times knocking on the door asking to be let in because he didn’t have his house keys and wanting to know if I was alright.

I stayed where I made a makeshift bed besides our bed on the bedroom floor.

It was the darkest and quietest spot I could find in the early hours of the morning. At night with the area only being the size of a single bed, down low and the only way out was to climb over the double bed or walk around it – it was almost like being at the bottom of the cliffs. It was the closest thing to it.

I should be avoiding that but at the moment that’s the only place I felt I should be.

I rolled over onto my side from my back when I heard my mobile ringing once again from above my head on the bedside table. I squeezed my eyes shut and cupped my hands over my ears.

+.+.+

“Cinder, holly shit, where the hell have you been?” Henna gasped leaping up from the table the second I stepped foot inside the cafe.

His body all but collided with mine and held me tightly pressing his face into my neck. I manage to wrap my free arm around him gently before he let go. He was frowning, which he being a happy-go-lucky type of person was sad to see.

“Do you have any idea how worried me and Ezra are?” He asked softly gasping my hand and pulling me over to the table he was sitting at before.

It was our usual weekly table actually, the one in the back corner away from others and next to the window. I sat down slowly across from him when he let my hand go and placed my sketch book in front of me, for once not covering my drawing up all that well. I just couldn’t find the strength to care about that as of right now.

“Sorry.” My voice cracked from not saying much in three days.

Henna frowned more if that was possible. I glanced out the window not really looking at anything so I wouldn’t have to see his face, it made me feel worse. I don’t want to start crying again, at least not here.

“I told Ezra what exactly happen when he came over, he’s been staying in my spare room.” He said softly. “Why didn’t you let him back in?”

I shrugged still not looking at him, though I knew why: I couldn’t pull myself to the door to open it, until this morning to come here. My body hasn’t moved from the bottom of the cliffs yet either, only Ezra could do that. Henna can make me feel better and kept me company, but only my lover could move me without breaking my dusty bones more.

How I managed to make it all the way here I have no honest idea, but I knew I had to do something. If not for me than at least for my best friend and boyfriend. Ezra always said I was stronger that I showed to be, I at least had to act like it right now.

I’m not sure if I can let myself give up again like I did before someone finally helped me.

“You are alright now though, right?” He asked unsure.
“I guess.” I whispered looking back at him.

It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the truth either. He nodded softly in understanding and glanced at his coffee stirring it slowly. I saw the sudden guilt flood his face making me confused. What did he have to be guilty about, he’s done nothing wrong.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have taken you to that party, or handed you those drinks or even drank any of them myself.”
“It’s not your fault.” I stated shaking my head before clearing my throat. “I shouldn’t have gone in the first place and you didn’t know what was in these bottles of cool drink.”
“But Cinny-“
“You didn’t make me go, I chose to go myself.” I said cutting him off.

He sighed lightly before nodding. I watched as he brought the cup to his lips and took a sip. I sat back in my chair and looked out the window again. It was quiet for a while between us, apart from him clinking the coffee cup every time he placed it down, before he tapped my hand to get my attention.

“Is that a new drawing?” He asked curious.

I nodded, spinning the book around for him to see without hesitating. He picked it up to get a better look at it, eyes scanning the page for every little detail. After a moment he tilted his head to the side and looked up at me confused over the books edge.

“It’s how I feel right now.” I said honestly.
“Lying at the bottom of a hole?”
“Cliff actually, but close enough.” I nodded.

He looked back at the picture again then placed the book down on the table gently.

“I like it; once you know what it is exactly it makes sense.” He smiled softly. “It’s just that the cliffs are dark is why I asked. Can I take it home to scan it?” He asked hopeful.

The smallest of smiles pulled at my lips. He always like to copy my drawings so he can hang them around his house, he never tells anyone who created them though because I asked him not to. I only want him and Ezra knowing.

I nodded making him grin.

My broken body twitched.

+.+.+

The knocking on the front door made me stop from walking back towards the bedroom to the make shift bed. I turned slowly and glanced at the door as more knocking came from it. I have only been home for twenty minutes, if that, from the cafe. Honestly all I wanted to do was go and lay down.

I wondered over to the door carefully and stopped once I was in front of it.

“Cinny, are you there?” Ezra called.

I moved the certain on the skinny piece of glass besides the door and placed my hand flat on it to show that I was in fact here. I’m pretty sure I heard him chuckled lightly before he placed his hand the same against mine. I light smile touched my lips but it was gone just about as quickly as it came.

Heat sunk though the numbness of my twisted limb. My body on the ground by the cliffs gasped for air again.

I pulled my hand away from the window and quietly unlocked the door. Ezra pulled the screen door open and stepped inside. I noticed my sketch book in his arm but didn’t say anything about it. He smiled sadly before cupping my cheek gently.

“I’m so sorry for yelling at you like that.” He whispered moving his hand to pull me into him.

I wrapped my arms around him and held him tightly burying my head into his chest closing my eyes tightly as a soft shiver fluttered down my spine. I know why he was angry with me and why he was yelling like he was – he was afraid, worry and scared for me. He only wants me safe and I can’t blame him for that. I deserve it anyway.

“Why didn’t you say anything, love? I would have understood if you explained it.” He said holding me tighter resting his head above mine.
“I couldn’t say anything.” I whispered. “I deserve it anyway, I shouldn’t have even gone. I only went so I wouldn’t be home alone again that night.”

He pushed me gently away from him to stare into my eyes. I stared back only blinking once and face blank.

“You don’t deserve that, you did nothing wrong. Neither you or Henna knew about the drinks ok?”

I sighed closing my eyes and nodded. I had no strength to argue back and what was the point if he was right anyway? I felt his lips brush against mine making me open my eyes again. He smiled softly and I couldn’t help but mirror it.

“I feel really bad for treating you like that, I really am sorry love.”

Without a word I lent up and placed my lips softly on his showing that I forgive him, but pulled away a little bit too quick for both of our likings. I stepped out of his hold completely and turned around heading for the bedroom again. I heard the front door close and the lock click behind me.

Without waiting for him I walked into the dull room and around our bed crawling onto the makeshift one on the floor. I moved so I was lying comfortably on my back looking up at the ceiling. The ceiling had shadows of the light that creped in from the curtain edges and the cliffs had a soft gold glow on their sharp edges – which was something I never seen them have before.

“Cinder?”
“I’m here.” I answered lightly.

I head Ezra’s footsteps before he appeared at the end of the mattress by my feet. He looked down at me confused and curious, but bent down and crawled up beside me. He lent over me cutting the view of the ceiling off hovering there. Tilting his head to the side he blinked.

“Why are you down here?”

He moved to be lying next to me on his side and slid his hand into mine. I sighed slightly and gave a soft sad smile.

“I don’t think you’d believe me if I told you.” I whispered staring at the ceiling again.
“Try me.” He whispered letting his lips graze my cheek.
“It’s the closest spot in the house that was like being at the bottom of the cliffs for some reason.” I shrugged. “I can see them if I close my eyes.”
“The same cliffs in the drawing?”

I nodded, squeezed his hand gently and ran my thumb over his knuckles.

My broken body on the ground twitched and managed to get a breath.

“But you’re not broken though.” He stated lightly.
“There I am.” I whispered.
“Let me fix you then.”

Ezra lent up and with his free hand, cupped my cheek and turned my head so I would look at him. My broken neck crunched and the bones moved fitting back together relieving pressure on my throat. My limbs moved into a better position as the numbness shrieked away a little.

I gasped seeing that though I was looking at my lover. I just lay there stunned, he was really putting me back together like he asked to and I was letting him, fully and completely in his hands. I was...finally actually letting him does so.

Ezra lent down and pressed his lips to mine all but smashing the picture of the cliffs in my head for a moment. My eyes fluttered shut and I lifted my head to add a little pressure back moving perfectly together.

The second my lungs hurt from the lack of air I pulled back letting my head drop back down.

“Are you still broken now?” He breathed.
“N-no.” I spluttered felling my eye water up dangerously.

I didn’t know how I felt right now but I knew I was smiling through the tears started spilling. He grinned at me and moved back down allowing me to curl up against him slightly and pressing my face into his chest to calm down. Soft sobs escaped my throat and he started running his hand down my spine gently.

Maybe it wasn’t a rope Ezra made that was holding me up from falling to the bottom, maybe I made it because I was afraid to fall – to be hurt. Though I guess that’s all I really needed was to fall, shatter and let Ezra truly piece me all back together in a way so I couldn’t break again. Maybe this time he really had saved me.

And I wasn’t lying at the bottom of the cliffs alone anymore; he was right there sitting next to me holding my hand. The scene in my head was cliché, something right out of a movie or book, but that didn’t bother me – because the way I saw it, it was right and exactly how it was meant to be.

The vision of the cliffs slowly faded from the back of my mind, but before it did completely I noticed that something major was different, other than Ezra now being there.

“The cliffs aren’t back anymore,” I whispered to either myself or Ezra through the tears. “They turned gold.”