I Brought You Bullets, You Brought Me Love

Beep… Beep… Beep… Beep…

Well come on, come all to this tragic affair… Wipe off that make-up; what’s in is despair… So throw on the black dress, mix in with the lot… You might wake up and notice you’re someone you’re not…

What a good starter for a song, now wasn’t it?

But it wasn’t about a song I should be worrying; it was my sake. Myself.

There was not only that ‘beep’ going through my ears, but also a beautiful and oh-so-sad thud passing through my ears; it was clouding my mind and hurting my eyes, just like the wind that goes into your face when you’re in the highway with your head off the car, speeding up into the horizon. Speeding up until you can’t remember your problems and your fears. Speeding up until you forget everything.

This sound, though, wasn’t making me forget; it was making memories creep their sorrowful way into my dark mind. It was as if someone was injecting me with my own memories; like they were cutting through my skull and just putting all those words and images back inside my head, were they belonged. It was a painful process, though; my head was aching, as if I had been hit by a fucking train, passed by a fucking car and shot with a fucking gun. Give me a shot to remember, and you can take all the pain away from me, if you will.

I was expecting that that sound would go away, along with those worms that kept finding holes inside my head; holes they were certain to fill. I didn’t want them to make their way there, though; they were the alcohol I put on when I had a wound. They were the knife that slit through my fragile wrists, when I felt it was too much for me to handle. They were the ripping feeling inside my chest when I saw my parent’s get killed.

AH! I knew these memories would haunt me, and hurt me, and kill me; that’s what they were willing to do, in the end. They were only getting back so I could have my heart swollen into a black hole, again; so I could get deeper and deeper in the ocean of black venom that I was drowning in. They wanted me to slip off of that roof again, and kill myself; but they wanted me to do it on purpose. They were silent begs from someone I didn’t believe in, just so I would finally take my life and give it to him. I couldn’t let that happen, though. I had so much to live for.

I had my brother, whom I could remember perfectly, now; his skinny tall frame, with a nerdy look and a nerdy personality, that adored me and always saw me as his hero, even though I was nothing more than just another man in this world. Mikey, my little brother, deserved a way better brother than me, but it’s me who he got, and I can’t let him down; not again.

I had my best friend; that tiny energetic adorable red-head, E’ma. She was my support, my base. She wouldn’t pick me up when I fall; she would be the thin layer of elastic put under the dangerous trapezium that I was walking on. She would be the dealer, when she thought I was playing too much with my life.

I had Ray, Bob and Alicia; we had not met for a long time, but they helped me when I needed them, in my darkest beginning at high school. They spent time with me and my brother, and they stood up with us even though we could be pretty boring.

And then, I had my boyfriend; my ray of light in the darkest of tunnels. He was not the light at the end of it, though; he was the hidden light that went with me through all the way, so I wouldn’t trip on my own feet and fall to the ground, that I had never seen. He was the raindrops that fell over me when I needed to get back to reality; he was the one that fixed my heart, that put those little pieces of it back together, like a kid putting the pieces of a puzzle together. He was the beautiful melody for the songs inside my head; he was the background for a blank canvas I had yet to paint. He was the base of my dreams, and also the base of my reality. He was the reason I had smiled again; he was the little shine in my eyes that held so much sorrow. He didn’t make my heart skip a beat each time I saw him; he made it stutter and stop until I was touching him. When I touched him, it would go crazy, get its wings open, fly over my chest right into his hands; and that’s where it belonged. My heart belonged with him, and he was the only one who could ever get a hold of it.

That’s because of them I woke up; if it wasn’t for those people who dealt with me through every day, I wouldn’t have woken up. I would’ve let the black blanket cover me for the rest of eternity, letting me rest on its peaceful and comfortable silence. I would’ve taken that final breath, and then slip to my parent’s arms, again; I would’ve let myself be forgotten. But I had them. And they needed me.

Opening my eyes, I was met with yet more pain; the lights of the room were bright, like a headlight was pointed to my face, and the room was cold and sad, so many white filling it. I wanted to paint it with different tons of black and red, giving it some of my soul; the soul I thought I had lost when I fell from that high roof.

Blinking a few times, I got used to the hospital lightning, being now able to look around; I had to found the source for that saddened cry I had heard before. I needed to comfort whoever was crying for me, whoever was already grieving for someone who was still alive. I needed to have someone in my arms; I needed to say the words “I’m fine”, so I could believe it myself. I needed to kiss somebody’s lips… well, not somebody’s; Frankie’s lips. I wanted to embrace him, let him snuggle with me, fall asleep with him on my arms; not forever, but for so long. I wanted to make sure I was alive, and make sure he still loved me.

As I turned my head to my left, I hear that soft hiccup again; right in front of my eyes, there was a heartbroken brother and a heartbroken boyfriend of mine, both crying. Each one of them in one chair, looking at their feet while tears left their beautiful eyes like cascades; they hadn’t notice I had woken up, and they were still grieving for me. Don’t grieve for me; I’m more alive than ever. After experiencing my almost-death, I couldn’t be more alive. I’m still here; can’t you hear my heart beat?

- Oh, Gee… why? – My brother softly asked, breaking the deathful silence that was eating the room inside out.

- It wasn’t on purpose, Mikey – I replied, whispering; the room was so quiet! I couldn’t be the one to go through that peaceful atmosphere, and ruin it with loud noises, screams and hurting sounds to my ears.

They both snapped their heads up, surprised to hear my voice; I could see some kind of drifting feeling go through Frankie’s face; he must’ve thought he was going insane. Mikey wasn’t paranoid, but he was still surprised that I was talking.

- Gee… you’re awake – Mikey stated, shock crossing his features for a while; then, it all came down to him, and he broke in more hiccups and tears, and threw himself on my arms, only careful enough to not interfere with the needles and such that were stuck in my arms. Argh, needles!

- Yeah, Mikey, I am… and there are needles in my arms – I said, my heart starting to beat a little faster as my fear of those sharp deadliest objects showed and increased at each second that went by.

- Yeah, there are. I can’t take them off, though; you jumped from a fucking roof, you need to be monitored – Mikey replied, a disapproving tone filling his voice as he left my body to rest on the hospital bed again; how many times did I have to tell him I didn’t mean to?

- Mikey, I didn’t jump off of Ray’s roof, ‘kay? I slipped on it; it was wet, for fuck’s sake! – I said, a bit angry they hadn’t understood that yet; I was never going to let them down like that, I could never leave them.

- But… - Mikey started but, for my own goodness, Frank interrupted him.

- Mikey, it started raining; he must’ve slipped, honestly. He would never lie to us – Frankie said, a stern and concerned look on his eyes; at least, he knew I’d never lie, and he believed me.

- Exactly. And I would never do that to you; after so much we’ve been through, Mikes, how could I abandon you like that? Don’t you think I know better than that? I know you could’ve gotten a better brother, but I would never let you down, Mikey – I said, all of my feelings flying freely as I spoke; Mikey had yet more drops waiting to make their way down his cheeks, seeking for freedom, yet he didn’t let them go. He was trying to hold himself together, so I wouldn’t be sad; ah, Mikey, if you only knew how much I can see in your eyes!

- I could never in my life get any better brother, Gee. You’re the best brother anyone could have; ever – Mikey replied, hugging me again; it felt so right to have my little brother touching me, hugging me and trying to comfort me.

- If you say so, Mikes – I said, pulling a smile; as he hugged me, I looked over at Frankie. My baby-boy was a walking mess; or better, he was a walking dead.

His hair pointed in all directions and was as greasy as a chip from a fast-food restaurant; his eyes were worn out from all the salty tears he had shed and all the times he had scratched them, probably trying to wear his sleep off; his lips were shaking and bleeding from several teeth craving onto them, since I knew by experience that he used to bite his lips when he was nervous; his clothes were dirty and sweat and stick to his tiny frame; his hands were dug deep in his pockets, as he was probably hiding from me all of the bitten nails he now had. I still thought of him as beautiful; he was my beautiful mess, and I loved him no matter how he looked. He could probably look like a pig, and I’d still want him more than anything else; I’d still love him.

- Mikey, can I have some time alone with Frankie, please? – I whispered in my brother’s ear, as I tore my eyes away from my boyfriend; Mikey instantly nodded, not saying a word, and left the room after kissing my forehead protectively. He looked so much like my mother…

- Gee… - Frankie called, gaining my attention instantly as he took one fearful step towards me; he was torturing me with his slowness. I wanted to feel him in my arms, to kiss his beautiful lips, to look deep into his beautiful eyes… I wanted him to get in that hospital bed with me, hug me and let me whisper sweet nothings on his ear.

- Frank, could you mind move a little faster? You’re killing me by being so slow – I said, a little too much exasperated; he seemed a bit scared by my little outburst, but he surely moved faster. In less than a minute, he was already by my side, his hand ghosting over mine; I could just tell he was unsure on whether to hold my hand or stay still, and I rolled my eyes, leaning my hand a little bit up, encouraging him to go ahead and just fucking touch me. That was what I needed; I needed him to make everything real.

As he touched my hand, a smile instantly made its creepy way onto my lips, making them part like I never thought they could; this smile was just what he needed to throw himself all over me, falling on top of me on the bed while hugging me awkwardly. I couldn’t care less, though; all I could feel was Frankie and nothing hurt.

- Oh, Frank, I missed you so much! – I said, letting out a shaky breath as I felt the reality slap me sweetly; finally, I felt real. – I missed you so fucking much…

Frank looked at me, his eyes more watered than I had ever seen them, and then eagerly attached his lips to mine, being sweet at first but soon bringing our kiss into a whole new level as his tongue begged for entrance, caressing my lips; I granted him the access he needed so much, and he happily started a battle with my own tongue, over dominance. We were in our sweet heaven; that is, until someone broke into the room with such hurry that they were screaming and the door smashed against the wall beside it. Frankie instantly fell to the side of the hospital bed, scared, and we both looked at the nurses and doctors that had stopped in front of the door, panting and blushing.

- You two seem to do always the same! – One of the nurses said; she looked kinda familiar, but I couldn’t exactly point the finger as to where I had seen her before. – I should’ve known; the last time, when it was the short one that had come here, the same thing happened!

Oh, now I could remember her! I smiled apologetically at the nurse, whom had rushed into a hospital room with me and Frankie kissing before, when his life-support machine had gone crazy; I looked at my own machine, and saw the lines that had declined, now going back to their normal state.

- We’re sorry; it’s just, you know, we missed each other – I said, softly; I could feel my cheeks heat up like an oven as I said those words, but I couldn’t stop it, though; I had to apologize to that nurse.

- Oh, it’s okay… but please, if something really happens, call us; we can’t be always checking on your life-support machine, otherwise we’ll go insane, so, yeah… - She said, smiling affectively towards us; we smiled back, and then they all left the room. Some of the nurses and doctors looked at us disgusted, but we couldn’t care less; we just wanted each other.

- She was the same nurse that caught us kissing the last time we were here, right? – Frank asked, while snuggling onto my body; I carefully moved my arm to be his pillow, and he sweetly kissed my neck as I did so, then smiling at me. I nodded my head at him, and he giggled once. – Yeah, poor nurse; maybe we shouldn’t be so close; we must be bothering them a bit… - Frank said, making a single movement away from me; that single movement made me cringe my nails onto his arms for dear life.

- Don’t you dare move, Frank Anthony Thomas Iero; I just wanna sleep with you in my arms, okay? – I said, looking at those hazel diamonds of his as I said so. He was so breath-takingly beautiful; I couldn’t believe that he was mine, yet. I had him in my arms, though; that was the only proof I needed. He had changed because of me; now, I had to start accepting that he was mine to hold, forever.

- Okay, baby – he said; then, he pecked softly on my lips. His lips tasted like the most awesome of coffees; they were like a little piece of heaven that I had had the chance to grab and have with me. He was my little piece of heaven.

After that, he snuggled against me once again, and his head moved sweetly and carefully onto my chest, were I heard him take one deep breath, and then fall into a sweet rhythm of breaths that I couldn’t really hear, but could feel as they winded through my chest, onto my skin; it would then crave into it, crossing it like the sun crosses the Earth and resting on my heart. He was filling my insides with all I needed; damn, he was all I needed.

As his breaths calmed even more, I began to get sleepier, soon following my loved one onto the land of dreams, where nothing mattered but the two of us.

Hopefully, we’d meet there too.