I Brought You Bullets, You Brought Me Love

The next morning was nothing but reminders of what I had seen in front of me, in New York; every channel on television and radio was reporting the ‘9.11’, and I couldn’t help but still hear it, and become even more depressed. Frankie could see what the news were doing to me, but every time he tried to turn off the television or the radio where I was hearing the news, he’d get such a terrifying look from me that he’d back away in fear; I never really meant to scare him like that, though, but I was just too… engulfed in everything to let go.

One week went by, and I was still assisting the news of the previous events, at the same time thinking about my life; I said I wanted to change my life, after watching that horrible scene in front of me, but what was I doing to change it? Nothing at all; I was simply looking at repeated images, getting deeper and deeper in a black hole that I was caving, and I wasn’t letting anyone save me. Good thing Frankie was still a brave guy, sometimes.

“Gerard Arthur Way, you better stop looking at that television right now!” He screamed from the doorway, not earning any reaction from me; as he saw so, he decided to go to further terms than to just to try to turn off the television.

I saw him getting closer to the television, and I, unconsciously, glared at him as he got closer and closer; it didn’t make him back off, though, but, instead, it encouraged him even more to take his next step. Next thing I know, there was a big crashing noise inside of the living room, and our kinda old TV lied on the floor, broken; Frankie had tears in his eyes as he looked over at my surprised face, his foot colliding with the television on the floor, emphasizing the act he had just made.

“Wh-what was that for?” I asked, my voice shaking, in surprise and, in all honesty, in fear; when he broke that television, it reminded me not only of the crashing sounds I heard the week before, but it also reminded me of the Frank I first met… the horrible, jock Frank.

“Can’t you see what this television was doing to you? It was breaking you even more, Gerard! It was breaking us!” He started, tears already swimming through his face as he screamed this, making me look wide-eyed at him. “How long have we not slept together? How long have we not talked? How long have we not kissed? Can’t you see this is tearing us apart?” He asked, making me realize how stubborn I had been to want to watch those dreadful news. Instantly, I recognized that all Frankie was saying was more than true; since that next morning, I hadn’t even talked to Frankie, let alone touch him! “I understand that you’re grieving, because of what happened, but why won’t you let me help you get through this, instead of trying to get further and further on your own cave?” He asked, not screaming anymore, but whispering; he covered his face with his hands, trying to suppress the tears that were falling, and also covering his hurt eyes.

I couldn’t even imagine how it had been for Frankie to watch me bury myself in my own sadness, and not be able to do anything to help me; he had been watching me get deeper and deeper into a place I was getting alone, and I wasn’t letting him try to pull me back. I was simply burying myself alive, in a hole that shouldn’t be caved in.

“I’m sorry.” This was all I could say. I didn’t have the strength to get up and hug him, like I wanted to, since my body was playing with me, and was now shaking, the tears already flooding down my eyes. “I’m sorry, Frankie… I was just… I don’t even know… trying to make it seem more like a movie, you know? I didn’t want it to be true… and even though it wasn’t working, I kept doing so… I’m so sorry” I continued, my voice shaky as I told him all my feelings; he looked back at me, his eyes puffy from the tears, and he took one step closer to me. I could see the pain in his eyes as he was doing so, which made me cry harder; I had hurt him so badly, for nothing.

No more words were needed, after that; not that he came to me, anyway. He simply shook his head at me, walking away from our living room and out of the house. That action shocked me, and I wanted to simply go after him and tell him I loved him and that he meant more to me than any of the things that I had gone through, but I had no strength to move; I was frozen from the fear of losing my baby-boy, and it wouldn’t let me do something to get him closer to me.

I don’t know how long I stayed like that, but I know that, after a while, my legs were so tired of being in the same position, getting all of my weight on them, that they decided to hurt me, giving up from supporting me; falling onto the living room floor, I stretched my arms in front of my face, not wanting to have some kind of concussion, being left on my hands and knees, head held down, while I cried even more.

I could feel that Frank had had enough; I had seen in his eyes that this wasn’t just a simple argue between us. Frank had had enough of my whining bullshit; he needed more than a crying bitch to fulfill what he heart wanted. I wasn’t good enough for him; I was too much of a wreck. I would still try to get him to me, though; I would never give up on him, no matter how it would hurt if he rejected me.

Picking myself off the ground, I made an useless attempt to clear my tears, since they would just fall back down after I had cleaned the last ones; deciding to just let them run free, I walked towards mine and Frankie’s room, wishing that something there would give me an idea of what to do. Luckily, I found exactly what would win his heart over; well, at least, I hoped so.

Going over to the little desk on the side of the room, I picked up the notebook where I had wrote my first song ever, bringing a pen along with it; then, I went over to the bed and lied down on it, the simple notebook open up in a blank page, waiting for me to write down on it and take away its innocence.

After many scratches and many wrong and dreadful words, I finally came up with something reasonable; I finally came up with a song that I liked, and that I was mostly sure that would bring Frankie back to me. That song was the only hope I had and, if it failed, I knew misery was waiting to consume me in invisible flames that would make a great show to everyone; they’d watch me turn to ashes in front of them, and they wouldn’t know why. I’d stop being a human being, and I’d start living like a zombie; that is, if I survived.

Getting up from the bed, I shoved the notebook in a little backpack I had, still from high school times, along with my keys and my cell-phone.

After doing so, I ran out of my house, knowing just where I needed to go; when I arrived, the tears had finally stopped falling, even though my make-up was still smudged from the previous times, and I quickly made my way over to the doorframe, knocking on it very lightly.

“Gerard, buddy, I haven’t seen you in a while!” Ray said, a big smile covering his face as he saw me for the first time since the eleventh of September; then, he took a closer look at me, and figured out my still wet cheeks and my ugly make-up. “Dude, what’s up?” He asked, making room for me to come in; I gladly passed through him onto his living room, immediately sitting down on his couch, still tired from the ‘freezing session’ from earlier.

“I need yours and Bob’s help, Ray” I stated briefly.

-X-X-

One had gone by since I hadn’t talked or seen Frank; I knew he was okay, though. His mom had been a sweetheart and had called me once he was safely in his room and couldn’t hear her, telling me that he was okay, at least physically, and that he was staying with her for a while; I told her about my plan to get him back, the night she called, and she had said it was a great idea… I just hoped it worked.

Right now, I was on my way over to Linda’s house, along with Ray, Bob and Mikey; yes, I had brought Mikey too. All of the stuff we needed was in the truck of the shitty car I had, and there was a heavy silence filling the still moving car as we drove there, the nerves kicking in; yes, this wasn’t anything major, but it was still pretty big, you see? Like, we were about to play a song I had wrote to Frankie and his mom [whom forced me to let her hear us] so I could get him back. Yeah, this was my plan, in the end; get him back by playing one of my songs to him.

Finally, I was parking the car in Linda’s highway, sighing as I turned off the engine, closing my eyes as I prepared myself for what I was about to do; it’d better work, otherwise I don’t know what I would do.

Getting out of the car, along with the boys, we quickly made it to the truck and got all of the material out: Bob’s drum set, Ray’s guitar, Mikey’s bass and the microphone; I figure you guessed by now I’m the one who’s singing.

After it’s all out, we moved to the doorframe, and I knocked on it gently; Linda opened the door quickly, letting us in to set everything in the rather large living room, before hugging each one of us, and saying our greetings. Frankie wasn’t home when we arrived, luckily; Linda had purposely sent him to get some milk for them, and he should be home in a few minutes.

As expected, we heard the door open and close faintly, and I looked at the guys around me, each one of them looking nervously in my direction, nodding at them when Frankie appeared on the living room; he had with him a bottle of fresh milk, and, as soon as he saw us, the bottle slipped through his fingers, the gravity being far too much to let the bottle lie unharmed. I know it’s cliché and stuff, but that really happened; he was very shocked to see us, playing there like it was no big deal [even though we were so deadly nervous inside] in his living room.

“Hand in mine, into your icy blues,
And then I’d say to you we could take to the highway
With this trunk of ammunition too;
I’d end my days with you in a hail of bullets.” I started, making him and his mom, who was now hugging him sideways, widen his eyes at my voice; I guess Frankie was more shocked from the lyrics than from my voice, but I couldn’t really tell.

“I’m trying… I’m trying…
To let you know just how much you mean to me.
And after all the things we’ve put each other through…

And I would drive onto the end with you,
A liquor store or two keeps the gas tank full…
And I feel like there’s nothing left to do,
But prove myself to you, and we’ll keep it running.

But, this time, I mean it!
I’ll let you know just how much you mean to me!
As snow falls on desert sky, until the end of everything!

I’m trying! I’m trying!
To let you know how much you mean!
As days fade, and nights grow, and we grow cold!

Until the end; into this pool of blood!
I’ve done this; I mean this! I mean this!
Until the end of…!

I’m trying! Trying!
To let you know how much you mean!
As days fade, and nights grow, and we go cold!

But this time we’ll show them;
We’ll show them all how much we mean!
As snow falls on desert sky, until the end of every!” I continued, the heaviest part of the song blowing their minds away as I screamed and sang and just poured my heart out to them; I was just setting it on the floor in front of them, letting Frank decide if he’d just smash it like an ant, or pick it up and take good care of it.

“All we are… All we are is bullets; I mean this…
All we are… All we are is bullets; I mean this.
All we are… All we are is bullets; I mean this.
All we are… All we are is bullets; I mean this!

As lead rains will pass on through our phantoms forever; forever!
Like scarecrows that fuel this flames, we’re burning forever, and ever!
Know how much I want to show you you’re the only one!
Like a bed of roses there’s a dozen reasons in this gun!

When as we’re falling down; and in this pool of blood;
And as we’re touching hands…
And as we’re falling down; and in this pool of blood…

And as we’re falling down, I’ll see your eyes!
And in this pool of blood, I’ll meet your eyes!
I mean this, forever!” I finished, panting from the effort I had made to get it all together, from the nerves, from singing so much; I was tired, after all, because of everything I’d been through.

I hadn’t even realized that I had closed my wet eyelids until I had to open them, to see Frank’s reaction; he was, just as me, in tears, his hand covering his mouth as he looked directly into my watered eyes, burning into them like he never had before. Then, he took baby steps towards me, the glimpse of love his eyes held shinning back, and I didn’t even had to ask me if I was forgiven; just that tiny sparkle on his eyes answering my silent question.

“That… it was so beautiful” he said, through tears and a smile that was growing on his face as he reached his hand towards my face, caressing my tears away from my cheeks; that touch ignited a fire in me that I knew no one could ever extinguish, and it gave me strength to reach my arms out, letting him drown into my embrace. “So, so beautiful, baby.”

No more words were spoken, since that moment; our mouths were busy, trying to explore, once again, each other’s tomb of love and caress that we hadn’t explored in such a long time.

I hoped we would never be separated from each other like that, ever again.