The Sins We Refuse to Confess

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been three months since my last confession."

His back hurt from sitting in the tiny confessional for so many hours, but it was his own penance for sins he could never list. The voices behind the screen were never familiar anymore and Gerard went through the motions, handing out God's forgiveness as though he actually believed these sinners could be loved by Him despite all their misgivings. He had been wondering, these past few months, whether God would ever forgive him for the things he hid, for the feelings he denied, for the words that stuck in the back of his throat. He almost let his head tip back, was so close to closing his eyes in the muggy darkness when he heard his voice.

"Frank." It came out a broken whisper, tight and barely audible above his breathing. He could see the boy's forehead resting on the other side of the screen and raised a shaking hand to press against the warm metal, feeling the soft brush of Frank's hair on his fingertips. Had it really been three months since he had heard this voice, since he had seen the dim, fragmented image of his best friend through this same confessional's screen? Time had been standing still for Gerard without Frank, and the sudden pain in his chest made Gerard gasp for breath and lower his hand.

"These are my sins - I've lost Him, and I don't think I can find my way back." The words caught in his throat and Frank looked down at his hands, tattooed and clasped in his lap. He dared not look up through the screen where he knew Gerard was waiting, willing him with sheer force of mind to meet his eyes, just once. But he couldn't, he couldn't bear to see the distorted image of Gerard, cut into pieces by the grate that separated them, or the religion that had ripped them apart. He had lost his faith long before this, forcing himself into the church just to see the other boy, just to take communion and feel Gerard's hand brush his face after he'd placed the wafer on Frank's tongue. And even without belief he had gone on loving Gerard, because it was the only real thing Frank knew.

But it hurt too much now, which was why he had stayed away these last three months, wallowing in the realization that he had lost Gerard to something he was sure did not exist. He let whatever dark thoughts had haunted his childhood revisit him in dreams, and he cut himself as a reminder that he could still feel things, apart from his heart breaking in half. But he couldn't confess these things; he couldn't do that to Gerard, no matter how much he needed him.

Gerard let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding, and leaned forward onto his knees. How could this happen? It was the only thing they had left, their belief in something greater than themselves, and now Frank was abandoning that. He'd marked himself, not with scars but with ink, in his early rebellion against God, but Gerard never once thought he would lose faith altogether. Hadn't He held them up when everything seemed to be crashing down around them? Or had He been the one tearing them apart this whole time? "Come back Frankie, He's here, He loves you. I'm here." I love you. What he wouldn't have given in that moment to just open the door and crawl into Frank's lap, to feel the closeness they had once been afforded before he'd taken his vows. Gerard felt the tightness of his collar around his neck, too much like a noose, threatening to tear them further apart. It had already served its purpose, and even now Gerard hid behind it - he hid behind God because even He confused the boy less than Frank. He couldn’t breathe, and he wanted nothing more than to leave this all behind, let it be the nightmare he prayed it was.

Frank could feel the hot sting of tears welling in his eyes, and he kept his head bent, forehead resting on the solid barrier between them. "But you're not Gee, not the way I need you." He reached up with a sweaty hand and grabbed onto the screen, letting his fingers squeeze into the open spaces. He wanted Gerard more than anything - needed him more than he ever had, but he knew he would never have him, not the way he wanted. And it scared him, to finally admit it, to finally admit to himself that he couldn't carry on the way they'd been, pretending as though everything was okay. His own mind had become a black hole, a warm, comforting sort of darkness that Frank was allowing himself to slip quietly into.

"Oh Frankie." The tears stood out in his own eyes, and he couldn’t help but put his hand over the other boy’s, feeling the shock of heat that came with their touch. Gerard didn’t know what to say, because he knew the pain that Frank was feeling, knew it too fucking well, but couldn’t admit it. He stared at the top of Frank’s head, letting his own heart beat out of control and questioned again for the thousandth time, how they had ever gotten to this point. “I -”

He couldn’t, he couldn’t listen to what Gerard couldn’t say and he couldn’t bear the silence between them that held more meaning than their words ever could. "I am sorry for these sins and the sins that I cannot remember." Or refuse to speak. He said it too fast, and took his hand back, remembering the feeling of even the tiniest part of Gerard’s skin connecting with his. He still hadn’t looked up, just waited for the other boy to give him contrition so he could be done with this heated darkness.

"Your sins are truly forgiven, go in peace.” He couldn’t tear his eyes away from Frank’s hair, hoping with all of his heart that his friend could forgive him his fears one day. And he felt the absence of the other boy’s hand like a sickness, his stomach twisting painfully and the air getting caught in his throat as he tried to suck in a breath. Gerard watched as Frank crossed himself in a perfunctory manner, no reverence about it and forcefully pulled on the grate that his hand was still gripping, harder than he had realized before. He felt the metal cut into his fingers and was thankful for the pain, even if it was a reminder that all of this was real.

Frank’s head snapped up involuntarily and he winced visibly when he met Gerard’s eyes, but he didn’t look down again. He bit his bottom lip, chewing on it until he tasted the coppery tinge of blood, and then smiled sadly. “Bye Gee.” His voice was still a whisper, and he lingered for a moment with his hand on the knob of the door, before pushing it open and letting light flood into the formerly dark space. He could see Gerard’s face lit up for a second, full of a kind of anguish Frank could recognize, but he didn’t turn back and he didn’t say anything else. He heard a muffled moan of sorts as the door closed behind him, and the tears he had been trying so hard to hold back broke free. He felt like he was going to do something stupid if he didn’t get out of the church, so he ran up the center aisle and out into the cool evening.

“Frankie.” Gerard’s head had fallen forward, so the name was stifled into his hands, mixed with salty tears and bitter curses that he kept to himself. It wouldn’t have done any good anyway, the door had already closed, leaving Gerard alone with the same thoughts he had been thinking before Frank had ever decided to make an appearance. He couldn’t leave – this was his life, this was what he had chosen and he had done so because Frank and all those feelings scared the hell out of him. There was nothing he could do now but regret the choices he had made and let Frank live his own life.