Walking Contradiction

We sit at the kitchen table until the bourbons gone, Billie Joe having sang so many songs to me. Me, Rose Bowie, the object of his affections.

"Alright baby we gotta go to bed," he says yawning and I nod, pretending to be tired, pretending that I'm not terrified of being in my own room. He picks up a candle and takes me by the hand, leading me up the stairs. Oh god I don't wanna be on my own. He opens the door to my room and its pitch dark, something that would normally comfort me, not now. I swallow hard and it takes me a moment to step over the threshold.

"Good night Rosie," He smiles tiredly and kisses my cheek. I smile and nod my goodnight as he gives me the candle and shuts the door. Oh god, oh god, oh god. I stumble over to the dresser beside my bed and put the candle down. I throw back the duvet and dive under it, curling into a ball and hugging my knees. Breathe Rose, deep breaths. My words mean nothing as my bottom lip quivers, tears spilling over and I struggle to breathe.

"Don't turn out the light dad, please, please," I plead and he takes the bulb from my lamp, the ceiling light having packed in years ago.

"Stay quiet Rose, be a good girl," He whispers and I throw my head under the blanket as he shuts and locks the door. It doesn't start right away. They have to make sure thats it's safe first. Scratchings first. Then the mad scramble over the floor as they realise it's ok it's just me. I feel them scurrying over my blanket and I scream, praying they go away.

"Daddy!" I cry and I hear him coming along the hall. They do too and scatter back to their holes. He unlocks the door and looks at me angrily.

"Daddy the rats," I sob and he goes red in the face.

"Rose there are no rats! I am sick of telling you that its all in your mind, there are no rats!" He slaps me hard and sniffeling I return to my cot bed. Its meant for a toddler but I'm 7 years old, we just can't afford a new bed for me. They took the bars away though. I climb back under the blanket and watch as he closes and locks the door. I squeeze my eyes shut and scream into my scrap of a pillow, the rats returning.

"Rose? Rose wake up!" I'm woken up and I'm sweating, still locked in the same fetal position. I'm shaking, I can't breathe, I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm hot, I'm cold... Strong arms scoop me up and I'm hugged tightly. I choke on a scream and start spluttering and coughing.

"Oh god Rose," Billie whispers and clutches me closer.

"It's ok I'm here, I'm gonna get some more candles, I promise to be right back," He kisses the top of my head sitting me on the edge of the bed. I instinctively pull my legs up, checking the floor for them. Shaking I wrap my duvet around me, any kind of protection. He comes back in with a load of candles, lighting them and placing them everywhere. He grabs me and pulls me into a cuddle.

"Jeez Rose what happened?" I sob into his chest and after he spends what must seem ages to calm down.

"It was just a bad dream," I manage eventually through hiccups and sniffling.

"Bit more than a bad dream Rosie, I thought someone had broken in and was hurting you," He whispers holding me close, refusing to let go.

"Just a bad dream," I whisper, my eyes feeling raw, my chest heaving from all the screaming and crying.

"Please Billie Joe don't make me talk about it, please," I whisper and after giving me a searching look, he nods.

"Alright Rose." He says but gives me a look that says I'm not giving up that easy. Shakily I take one of the big candles from the bedside dresser and peek under the bed. Thank god, its completely clear bar one of my socks. I sigh with relief coming up again and putting the candle back on the dresser. Billie's watching my every move and I bite my lip, unsure of what to say now that I've calmed down.

"I'm sorry," I whimper, my bottom lip quivering as I'm about to start crying.

"Hey, hey come on now, it's ok I'm not mad at you," He soothes, pulling me back into the safety of his chest, his arms tight around my body. He sighs and kisses the top of my head, his heart slowing to a steady beat.

"Will you stay?" I ask so quietly that he has to tell me to say it again. Once he realises what I've asked a blush develops across his cheeks.

"Y-yeah of course I'll cop a squat on the floor here or something," He stutters and I swallow hard, burying my face into his shoulder.

"I meant, I meant beside you," I whisper and he gulps, looking down at me. He licks his lips nervously and I chew my bottom lip, ready for the no.

"If, if thats what you like need, then um, yeah," He falls over his words and I sigh with relief.

"Thank you," I say and feel like I'm made of lead with exhaustion and I start to slip forward.

"Hey whoa there," He catches me and lays me back, getting up and straightening out the duvet and tucking me in. My eyes feels heavy as fuck, I can't even keep them open. I manage to peek at Billie Joe and he's standing at the side of the bed, looking unsure.

"Please," I murmur and taking a deep breath he gets in. His body heat radiates over and I pull him down from his stiff sitting position.

"Rosie.." He moans as I cuddle up tight to his body, my head resting on his chest. My fingertips find his smooth chest and scratch gently. A quiet moan escapes his lips and I stop, blushing crimson. I hadn't even noticed that he was only in his boxers. He rests his head on mine and I wrap my arm round his body, my leg resting on his.

"Goodnight Rosie, sweet dreams," He whispers and I manage to slur back the same to him, too exhausted to form proper words. I feel my breathing getting deeper and I drift off to sleep.