Walking Contradiction

How could he! How could he do that! I sob into my pillow, the pillow that still smells like him. I scream into the pillow at this sudden realisation and I sob harder. Its so private, so private to me. My dancing is akin to his lyrics. I use it to get out my feelings, like if I'm happy or sad or angry. It was a violation of my privacy. It was something I wanted to show him, show him when I was ready. The total bastard! I howl as it all washes over me in tidal waves, Billie Joe and my mother. My mom, my dear sweet mom.

"Rosie, Rosie baby," Mom whispers and I crawl into her arms, crying hard.

"Its ok my little Rosie, everythings ok, I'm here," She soothes, holding me close and stroking my hair. Why does he hurt me? Why does he hurt you? I hold my wrist close to my body, finger shaped bruises from where he grabbed me.

"I'm sorry Rosie, I'm so sorry," She whimpers and I hug her tighter. She softly takes my wrist thats been cradled to my chest and she gently kisses all my bruises before holding me close again. I look up at her and her eye is badly swollen, ugly red marks around her neck from him grabbing her. He pinned her up against the wall and I was hitting him, screaming at him to stop. Thats when he'd grabbed my arm, pulling me through the house and into my room. Remembering cuts deeply and I feel a sob wrack my body.

"Mom, I don't want to live anymore," I cry and she forces me to look at her, tears glistening in her eyes.

"Now you listen to me Rosie, you are my little girl and I never want you to think or say that ever again. You've got your whole life to live, so much is in front of you. You are gonna grow up and do something with your life, you're gonna be happy. Life will not always be like this I promise," she kisses my forehead and I hug her tightly.

"I love you Rosie," She whispers and I bury my face into her shoulder.

"I love you too Mom,"I whisper and she rocks us back and forth, singing quietly,

"So where but heaven does love end
And where on earth does it begin,
Its not the kind of love that is pinned -
Like a medal
Or presses pennies in a tin

There is hope and after that there is only faith,
Love like a wraith
Never made me afraid,
Consoled as I was by that shade..."

I scream into my pillow again, the memory burning me deep inside. I loved you so much Mom, so so much. Elvis Costello and Pink Floyd mom, they're ours. I continue crying into my pillow until I feel myself drifting off. I don't want to sleep... bad...drea-...

**Billie Joe's P.O.V**

Oh god what have I done? I didn't mean it! I just wanted to check on her, make sure she was ok and I saw her dancing and she was so wonderful. Her pale skin shining in the dimly lit room, her hair flowing round with every moment she made and she was like a ghost she was so light on her feet. I was awestruck by her. I'd been gone so long watching her that the guys came up to check on me and they got sucked into watching her too.

We're all looking at eachother feeling guilty as hell. Shit, fucking, fuck!

"Oh shit," Tre mumble and Mike and I nod in agreement. Oh shit indeed.

"Should we?..." Mike asks and I shake my head.

"Leave her be we've done enough damage," I say and they nod in agreement.

"I'm gonna go back down to the basement, you guys coming?" I ask and Mike starts heading down, Tre is standing scuffing his shoes together.

"I'm sorry I slapped her ass Billie," He mumbles and I choke out a laugh, shaking my head.

"It's fine Tre we were just playing earlier you know that. Go get us some beer would ya?" I ask and he heads off to the kitchen as I head back down to the basement. Mike is in the middle of rolling a joint and I nod my appreciation, flopping down on the couch. I glance at my beaten notepad and pick it up, starting to scribble down some lyrics...

**Rosie's P.O.V**
"Rose? Rose oh Rose come out and play..." I hide under my bed, shaking. I want to scream, I want to call to Mom to save me but I can't oh god, I can't! I open my mouth and nothing comes out. Nothing comes out and then He's there, in front of me, panting in my face as He grabs me by the hair, pulling me out from under the bed. He drags me into the living room, which is bare apart from a kitchen chair. All the time my mouth is open in a silent scream, no sound leaving my lips.

He throws me into the chair and he grabs me by the shoulders, his fingers pressing hard into my skin. Hes screaming in my face and I can't hear him, its like I'm drowning. Everything is muffled and I can hardly breathe.

"Say it, say I love you Daddy," I finally hear but its far away. He slaps me hard across the cheek.

"Say it!" I sob as he grabs me by the roots of my hair, forcing me off my chair and kneeling in front of him.

"Let me tell you something," Its coming through a bit clearer now.

"You don't deserve him," His belts coming off now...

"You'll lose him, just like you lost us," He forces my clothes off and makes me bend over the chair.

"It'll end in tears, it will end in violence!" THWACK. The buckle slices through my tender flesh as he beats me with his belt. I scream, my lips cracking from how wide open my mouth is but still no sound.

"You'll kill him too!" THWACK.

Help me! Someone save me please! Mom!

"Just like you did us..." THWACK...

I wake up screaming, choking on the covers I'd managed to tangle myself in. I sob hard, wrapping my arms around my knees as I bring them up to my chest. I can still feel the bite of his belt buckle on my back, my ass and the backs of my arms and legs. I'm shaking hard, biting my lip hard. I keep flinching, like he's still beating me as I relive those moments over and over again in my head. A mindfuck flashback dream, my favourite. I wouldn't hurt Billie Joe, not a fucking chance in hell. I wince as I hear his voice in my ear again, degrading me.

"Rose? Rosie, please let me in," Billie whimpers through the door and I stare at it, trying to imagine him through the white wood. Oh Billie Joe, I want you, I want you to take me in your arms and make me feel safe again. Come in and make everything ok Billie Joe, please. I want to say these words but when I open my mouth I choke on those words.

"Rosie, I'm gonna come in, don't... don't hate me ok?" He says softly and I watch as he pulls down the door handle slowly. The tears are flowing freely down my face as I watch the door crack open a little bit, a little bit more and his face appears around the door. He looks at me and I watch as his face crinkles with concern. I bite my lip harder, unmoving, trying to stop the tremors going through my body. He swings the door open and rushes over to me and I flinch at his touch, causing him to recoil. Hes not Him brain! He's male buts hes beautiful, hes not that... that thing. He blinks a few times and then sits on the bed next to me. Take me in your arms, envelope me, kiss me, hold me, love me. Make it go away.

"Rose," he whispers and I look down at my feet, feeling the sobs threatening to take over my body, biting my lip harder until I can taste blood. Why can't I just say something, its so hard even to just open my mouth. I swallow hard, desperately willing my body to unfold and attach to his body. Billie grabs me (he must be a fucking mind reader) and pulls me into an embrace, wrapping himself around me, holding me tight to his chest just like Mom used to do.

I throw my arms around him and sob freely, burying my face into his shoulder. He holds me close, kissing my head and whispering softly. Oh god thank you. Mr Armstrong kiss me, make it all go away, give me your fire. I start flinching as I remember, it lashes my brain like a whip, my memories taking everything away from me. My eyes burn from crying but his face comes down to mine buried in his shoulder and he manages to rub his chin on my cheekbone and I rub back.

I dry up eventually and he pushes me away a little, so he can look at my face. His peridot green eyes bore into my blue ones and I have to look away, but he takes my jaw into his hand and he makes me look at him again. Don't stop Billie, take me back in your arms. You're my heroin, let me breathe you in and feel you travel in my blood.

"Rosie, what happened?" He asks and I snap out of my thoughts and when I open my mouth nothing comes out, just silence. So I do the next best thing. I show him my addiction.

I kiss him softly, pressing my lips on his and he kisses me back. He tries to pull away and I pull him back in.

"Wait Rosie," He says and pushes me properly away. No, no! I sit indian style, my hands in my lap, refusing to look up at him. My bottom lip trembles in the tears that threaten to spill, pull me back in again please, I need you to make me forget.

"You need to tell me what happened to you," He says softly and I flinch. I'm not ready for this. I just want to forget. What do I even say?

"I have horrible dreams. Bad, bad dreams," I whisper and he grips my hands in his. Theres a moment of silence as he tries to work out what to say next. I have no idea what to say next. I don't want to tell him what happened to me, nobody knows really what happened in that house, only that it ended horrifically and I was the only one to get out alive.

"Its a bit more than bad dreams isn't it? Someone hurt you really bad didn't they?" He asks softly and I choke back a sob. I can't look at him, I'm staring at our intertwined hands, watching his thumb go back and forth across my finger tips, the little black love heart inked on stretching and bunching up with the movement.

"Tell me," He says a bit harder this time and I nod. I pull my hands away from him, regretting it but feeling that I must. I can't be touching him while I try to get my thoughts straight, even his skin on mine interrupts my thoughts.

"Yes, someone hurt... someone hurt me really bad," I whisper and he pulls me back into his arms. I sigh with relief as I get my fix, hearing his heart gently thudding in his chest. I hold my palm to the spot and feel it thumping against my hand and I close my eyes, focussing on its steady rhythm. Its quiet now, my face hidden in his shoulder and his cheek resting on the top of my head. I don't know how long we're sat like that before he spoke again.

"No one is ever going to hurt you again, never ever again Rosie. I will protect you with everything I've got, whatever you need its yours," He growls at first but ends softly whispering and I swallow hard, gripping his tee shirt in my fingertips. He can't say that, its not fair, what I need is you, my personal heavenly brand of heroin.

"I promise," he whispers and makes me look at him, pressing his mouth on mine. Oh Billie Joe, oh! I have to show him. I need to tell him just how deep I am in him. I open my mouth and not even a squeak comes out. I must've screamed and sobbed my voice away. I mentally curse myself and hes looking at me with a searching look. I close my eyes and level myself out still feeling his heart under my hand. Ok, Rose. Show him. I get up and he watches me carefully as I stand in front of him, biting my lip to stop any tears from flowing and I take a deep breath. He watches as I peel off my leotard, revealing my naked body, something he has never seen. A lot of my scars have healed and faded with time but not the ones on my back. He's swallowing hard, trying to maintain eye contact but I turn away from him, hugging my arms around my body.

"Oh god Rosie, what happened to you?" He whimpers and I shiver, squeezing my eyes closed. Please understand I'm showing you because I want you to... to fall for me the same I have for you, with all your imperfections I'm still addicted to you. You didn't notice these the other day because I'm very good at making people not notice. I had to, otherwise I'd be taken away from Mom. I draw people to my face, make them want to look at my eyes when I talk so that even if I am just in underwear they don't even notice.

"They're disgusting aren't they," I whisper, my voice cracking and I hear the bed creak as he launches himself off of it. I can hear him slowly approaching me, gently laying his hands on my shoulders. I start to shake beneath his hands and he says nothing, just presses soft lips to the deep scars on my back. A small moan escapes my lips as he gently kisses every scar up and down my back, coming to my shoulders and resting his head there, his hands sliding down my arms and around my waist.

"You're beautiful Rose, no matter what... no matter what has happened to you," He whispers in my ear, his breath tingling. Oh god, I have to have you, I have to have you now. I spin around and kiss him hard, walking him to the bed. The back of his knees hit it first as he stumbles back on to the bed and I straddle him, my tongue in his mouth, licking his lips. Surprise and eagerness rolls off his body but he goes with what I'm doing. His hands are firmly on my elbows as I kiss him, pulling off his tee shirt. I'm yanking his joggers at his waist when he stops me, pushing me away slightly. He's breathing hard and his eyes are wide.

"Rosie, what are we doing?" He breathes and I kiss him again, soft and lingering this time.

"I want to forget everything Billie Joe and you... you make everything go away, you make everything better. You make everything wonderful. What I'm doing is showing you how I feel," I murmur and he closes his eyes in a sigh.

"Lust?" he asks sadly and I make him look at me, forcing his eyes open to look into my dark blue eyes flecked with gold. I move down into his neck and whisper into his ear,

"Try something else," I look back into his face and his eyes are really wide. I smile softly at him, pressing my lips on his. I pull away and look at him. He's thinking hard, I can see it in the furrow of his brow and intense look in his eyes.

"Why?" He whispers and I laugh lightly, lifting a hand and brushing his hair from his face. I stroke his hair lightly and look down at him, smiling sadly.

"I don't need to give you a goddamn reason, just know that I do and that I'm trying to show you. Accept it Billie Joe and let me love you,"