If Looks Could Kill, I'd Be Dead

Theta

"Hey, sweetheart..." Sascha starts, after a pause.

Sascha had come over after his "date" with Camden all excited. He talked to me about Camden, Loren, and their parents. I must admit, I was a bit sad that I was left out of this whole thing, but there were still more opportunities in the future, I suppose. I was still really happy for him, regardless of my own feelings, though!

We sat cross legged on my bed and I listened as Sascha talked animatedly about the Kerr's. I was so excited for Sasch! It sounds like he really connected with Camden. And when he explained the situation about the juice and how he picked up Camden, we squealed and giggled together and I said, "GET IT!". He blushed and we continued to laugh.

But now, Sascha's tone changed. He's no longer all excited, happy Sascha; he's melancholy, reserved Sascha, which is quite a rare face for him. It makes me nervous.

"Sasch, what's wrong?" I ask him, concerned.

"Well, nothing. I mean, I don't know. I just wanted to tell you something. It's about Loren." As he exhales, I hold my breath, afraid of what he's going to say. "When Camden and I walked past his room, I saw him skyping with some girl."

"Oh, uh..." I feel teary eyed, although I don't know why! I mean, its just skype. Everyone skypes with everyone... it's no big deal. I shouldn't feel so sad about this.

"I'm sorry, sweetie." he says, frowning and rubbing my knee comfortingly.

"Who was she?" I ask.

"Actually, I don't know who she is." Sascha thinks back. "She was pretty." he shrugs. "It's weird, her hair; it was like, a really light blonde. It looked white! And I’m pretty sure that she had an English accent.”

“I know who you’re talking about.” I make a frustrated noise and fall back onto the bed. “Her name is Lyn.” I sigh. “Her and Loren… they have history. She lives back in England.”

“Oh.” Sascha is silent a moment, contemplating.

I fight back these stupid tears that are forming in my eyes. Why am I getting so emotional over this guy?! I’ve only known him for a few months… But it just feels like I’ve known him for so much longer.

Loren and I really connected at the park the other day. He let me into his life a bit more, and I’m grateful, I am. But I can’t help the feeling that he just doesn’t care about me. I mean, we have our moments, but he’s just so flirty with everyone that I’m never sure where I stand with him, in his life.

He is so good looking, and he most definitely knows it. I’m just another girl that’s falling for him. Yet, I want to be so much more than that. I want to be special to him, as cliché as that sounds. I want him to look at me and like what he sees. I want to be his. And I want him to be mine. But I feel like I’ll never get that chance.

Because? He has Lyn back in England. Tiffany is all over him, here. He has girls always looking in his direction. He can have any girl he wants; they’re all here, lined up for his choosing. I’m sure if they knew where he lived, they’d be lining up down the block!

Okay, I’m exaggerating, but still.

I’m just stuck as the friend. I always have had the “best friend syndrome”; always stuck as a boy’s best friend. Story of my life.

So, that’s why I cry. I end up giving into my emotions. I feel like I’ll never be good enough for Loren. Or anyone, for that matter. I’ll always be the friend, or the best friend, or the girl that everyone looks over. There’s all of these beautiful girls in the world. Who am I to think that I’m extraordinary?

I hide my face, burying it into the pillows so that Sascha can’t see my tears. I don’t want to ruin his good mood and the tears will stop soon enough, hopefully. I inhale a shaky breath.

Oops, Sascha heard that.

“Theta…?” I don’t say anything. Just mentally slap myself. “Oh, God, are you crying? Gah, you’re crying!” He scoops me up into his arms.

Whenever he does that, I always feel like I’m going to crush him. I mean, I’m not huge; I’m one hundred and twenty pounds, but still. Sascha doesn’t way too much more than I do and I feel like I’m crushing him when I sit on his lap, even though he says I’m not.

“Shh… it’s okay. Babe, why are you crying?” he rubs my back, and I lean back against him.

“My heart just hurts.” I whisper, stuttering a bit.

“Awh…” Sascha pushes my tangled mess of hair out of my face. When it falls back down, he takes an elastic off of his wrist and pulls my unruly hair into a messy ponytail.

As we sit there, me crying in his arms, I’m mad at myself. I always have to ruin a good mood. I don’t know why Sascha even puts up with me. I’m also mad at myself for caring so much about Loren. I mean, Loren is just a guy. I need to calm down and stop caring so much about him and where I stand with him.

But I can’t do that. Even though he’s been in my life for only a short amount of time, he already has a special place in my life. Camden does too. But I’m not attracted to Camden like I am Loren. Loren is my closest friend besides Sascha, and that says a lot.

Look at me, I’m ruining my birthday. Well, tomorrow is my birthday. Tomorrow is also Halloween. I’m turning eighteen. I shouldn’t let the fact that Loren doesn’t have feelings for me ruin my eighteenth birthday…

Sascha snuggles with me for an undetermined amount of time until I feel better.

“Thank you Sasch.” I say into his hair, my cheek resting on his shoulder. “I love you.”

“Oh, Theta.” He pulls me closer, if that’s even possible. “I love you too, so much. You know I’d do anything for you.”

Yeah, if only you’d be straight.

“I do. And I’d do anything for you.” I smile up at him. He returns the smile, his brilliant, perfect teeth shining. It might sound really weird, but I’ve always loved his teeth.

“So… tomorrow!” Sascha giggles, putting me at arms length so that he can look at me. “Your eighteenth birthday! I can’t wait to give you your present.”

“Well, I can’t wait to get it!” I reply, excitedly. Tomorrow is Saturday, so there’s no school. I can’t possibly imagine what Sascha would give me.

“And hey, there’s that costume party, too! I’ll give it to you before then, don’t worry.” He smiles mischievously.

“Oh, Sasch! I want to know what it is!” I pout.

“I’ll tell you first thing in the morning. I hope you know, I’m going to be waking you up quite early!” he teases.

“No! At least let me sleep in until ten!” I laugh.

“Fine, but I’m waking you up at exactly ten AM!” he giggles.

“Okay. I’m so excited!” I say, bouncing up and down. He laughs and then we have a big tickle war until we’re both exhausted. I keep Sascha up until past midnight, and then, we fall into a comfortable sleep next to each other.

Our fingers are intertwined, and we’re close to each other, our legs tangled under the sheets. I say, screw Loren. Even if I end up old and lonely with no significant other, I’ll always have Sascha. Even if he’s just my best friend and nothing else, it’s almost enough to satisfy me. I just hope to God that I won’t be alone, ever.



“Good morning!” Sascha starts shaking me awake.

“Unh…” I groan and try to push him off of me. I open my eyes the tiniest bit and see sunlight filtering in through the open blinds. I roll over and groan again.

“Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you! Happy Eighteenth birthday, dearest Thetaaa… I really love you!” Sascha sings. I giggle and roll back over to face him.

“Thank you!” I say, my mood changed instantly. Sascha always knows what to do to make me happy.

“Are you ready… for your present?!” he sing-speaks.

“Yes!!!” I say, expecting him to thrust something into my lap.

“I’m getting you a tattoo!” he says enthusiastically. My jaw drops to the floor.

“What?! A… tattoo?” I say stupidly.

“Yes! Oh, and here.” He hands me a small wrapped thing. I’m still in shock about the tattoo, but I open the little present. It’s a set of gauges!

“Sascha!” I look at the package. They’re a size sixteen. I’ve wanted to gauge my ears for a while now, but just haven’t gotten to it. “Oh my goodness! Thank you so much!” I tackle him in a hug.

“You’re welcome, sweetheart!” he hugs me back, a contented smile on his pretty face. “Our tattoo appointment is at eleven, so you better hurry your ass up and shower!” I pull back and look at him. His hair is drippy and damp. He must have showered before he woke me up.

“Our?” I ask.

“Well, yeah! We’re getting those matching infinity symbols on our hips! Plus, if you wanted anything else.” He smiles.

“Oh my God!” I am so excited. I have also wanted this for a long time. “Thankyouthankyouthankyou!” I love this boy so much.

“You’re welcome!” he hugs me quickly. “Now go, get your ass in that shower so we can go!” I laugh.

“Okay!” I run as fast as I can to the bathroom.



As we walk into the tattoo shop, I feel a bit… not nervous. Just out of place. Everyone there is so cool, with their tattoos and stretched ears. I just can’t wait until I become one of them.

I know what I want, today. Sascha and I discussed it on the way here. I want a simple tree on my shoulder, as well as the infinity sign. Sascha only wants the infinity on his hipbone.

The tattoo artists we talk to are quite attractive, I’m not going to lie. One of them is named Chad, and the other is Austin. They’re very nice, and they seem to know what they’re doing.

“So, we’re going to do your guys’ hips first.” Austin says. “Then, I’ll do Theta’s shoulder.” He smiles at me. Gah, he’s so good looking.

We lay down next to each other on these padded chairs that remind me of the dentist. As they prep the needles and ink, I grab Sascha’s hand. I’m really scared, but I know this’ll be worth it in the end.

Chad goes over to Sascha’s right hip and Austin comes over to my right hip.

“Are you ready?” Chad asks Sascha.

“Yep.” Sascha says confidently, squeezing my hand. Sascha has always had a high pain tolerance, but I’m worried about myself!

“How about you?” Austin smiles reassuringly.

“Yes.” I breathe. His smile and Sascha’s hand in mine make me feel a bit more relaxed.

“Okay, this one should hurt a bit, but it won’t be bad. The same with your shoulder. It’ll hurt for a moment, but the area will become numb after a few minutes so then it’ll get better.” He explains to us. “The hipbones should only take around a forty five minutes, because they’re so small, but the shoulder will take a few hours.”

“Alright.” I tell him. I’m ready. Austin lifts up the hem of my shirt, and Chad does the same to Sascha. I blush.

Geez Theta, chill. It’s not like he’s actually undressing you.

When he first starts the tattoo, the buzzing scares me. When they first start, Austin was right, it hurts. Sascha and I squeeze each other’s hand. But eventually, it gets better. And then, I’m actually getting kind of bored, laying here.

“You’re done.” Austin says, proudly. “Look.” I stare down at my hipbone. It’s beautiful. I want to touch it, to run my fingers over it, but I don’t.

“Sasch!” he looks up from his hip and meets my eyes. We look at each other excitedly. “Oh my God, it looks amazing!” I turn to Austin. “Thank you so much!” Sascha thanks Chad, too.

“You’re welcome.” Austin laughs. “You can take a little break before we work on your shoulder.” He says.

“Okay.” I smile. I want to hug him. He did such a great job! Before Austin starts on my next tattoo, we’ll take a short break. Sascha and I look at our tattoos and then look at ourselves in the body mirror. They look wonderful! Chad and Austin did such an amazing job.

“Are you ready for the next one?” Austin calls over from the desk.

“Hell yes!” I shout back. I hear Austin’s rumbling laughter and sigh.

“Come on over. Sascha can come too, if he wants.” Austin motions us over. Once we’re there, Austin says, “You’re going to have to take off your shirt and bra.”

“Yeah.” I say, awkwardly. While Austin does more prep, Sascha stands in front of him while I undress. He really is my best friend. Austin is older; he doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to sneak peaks, but you never know, I suppose.

I lay back down as soon as I’m undressed. Sascha sits in the chair next to me and holds my clothing. As soon as the buzzing starts, I grab Sascha’s hand and hold on for dear life.

Again, it hurts, but it does get better after awhile. Sascha and I are even able to talk while Austin works on the tattoo. It’s not really bad, like I imagined it to be.

The two and a half-three hours are over before I know it. Austin says I’m done, and I quickly put my clothes on. No one saw me, because there are no other people in the shop besides Chad, but still.

Austin hands me a smaller mirror to look at my new tattoo in the big mirror. He holds the smaller mirror so that I can see my back. Sascha and I look at my tattoo and smile. It really does look lovely.

“Thank you so much.” I tell Austin. “They look fantastic!” I hug him quickly. Meh, why not? He hugs me back, thankfully, so it isn't really awkward.

“You’re welcome!” he says. “I’m so glad you liked them.”

Sascha pays the men for our tattoos and gives them rather generous tips.

“Come back soon!” Chad says.

“Yeah, Sascha needs another tat.” Austin jokes.

“Maybe we will.” I say. “Thanks again!” We wave goodbye and head out the door.

We didn't spend that long at the tattoo shop. We have the whole day ahead of us! Sascha drives me to Yogen Früz to treat me to my favourite blueberry frozen yogurt. As Sascha and I sit there at the Yogen Früz shop, talking and laughing, excited about our new tattoos... I’m so happy. My birthday has been fantastic so far, and I can’t wait for the rest of the day!