To Find the Lie, We Must Discard the Truth

“If you find yourself out of love, shed a tear for the one you love.”

I stayed in the house by myself for about a week. No one came to visit, no one came to check on me. It was as if they understood that I needed time alone. But that alone time couldn’t last forever, and eventually Matt and Katie came over.

When I opened the door for them, Matt was quick to surrender, “you get two free punches, alright? One for me and one for Katie.”

My face must have shown my confusion since Katie smacked Matt’s arm, “dude! He obviously hasn’t figured it out yet!”

Finally I caught on, “actually, I have. I just don’t care anymore.” I step aside so that they can enter and then close the door behind them. “you were just helping out a friend.” We take a seat in the leaving room, silence surrounding us. “So what exactly are you guys doing here?”

They exchange a look and then Katie answers, “she’s devastated Ryan. You haven’t been replying to any of her texts, calls, emails…Sky’s really been worried.”

“and? She’s the one who screwed up, not me. I don’t understand why she would be worried.” I tell her, “I’ve been worried about her for two years and she doesn’t seem to care.”

“not care?! She did all of this because she did care. Can’t you see that Ryan? Sky did the one thing that she swore she’d never do, she asked someone for help. And not just anyone, but her grandparents, the people who threw her mom out. She did all of that so that you and her could be together. If that’s not caring then I don’t know what is.”

The room fell silent after her little speech. I knew she was right I just didn’t want to admit it, not yet. “I am going to go back to her,” I tell Katie.

“listen, I get that you’re hurt, but-”

I cut her off, “no, you listen to me Katie. Sky left me. She left me! okay? Do you not get that? She left and I know she ‘came back’ but not as Sky. I’ve spent a year and a half trying to move on from her and when I finally do, when I finally fall in love again, she’s there to leave. So don’t tell me to call her, don’t tell me to go find her and tell her how I feel. I will do all of that on my own time.”

Katie glances at Matt and he nods at whatever silent question she asked. With his yes, she hands me a cd. “just, watch this, okay?”

“sure.”

“well, we’re off then.” Matt says and I look at him strangely, “What? Her brother is coming home today and let’s just say we didn’t hit it off last time. I have to make a good second impression.”

“whatever. I’ll see you two later.” They left and I got up, putting the movie into the DvD player.

Sky popped up onto the screen. She was sitting on our bed and I figure it would have been about two months old. “Hey Ryan. If you’re watching this it means I’m either dead or you found me. Hopefully it’s the latter of the two. I know you don’t want to talk, and I’m sure even watching this is hard for you, but there’s some stuff you should know.” She repositions herself so that she’s sitting cross legged on the bed and then starts again. “I guess I should start with an apology. I’m sorry for acting like a bitch, dating your best friend, being all arrogant and selfish, pretending like I can’t cook, complaining twenty-four seven, did I say acting like a bitch already? Anyways, I hope that whatever I have done in the past eight months or so, and whatever I will do in the future of this fake-arranged-marriage, you will forgive me for. I swear it was all for the act.”

She pauses for a moment before starting the next part. “Now would be the time to tell you what happened. After dinner with your family, I dropped my parents off at some club. I’m sure you know what happened after that. They got into some accident and were charged for multiple things. That’s the way it goes. I ran away because the place they were going to take me isn’t safe. Awhile ago my dad met this sleazebag at some party. I don’t even know the whole story. All I know is that the guy and his wife legally became my godparents. So, in a situation like this, I would have been put into their home.” I could see her eyes start to water and it hurt me to watch. She quickly wipes them away and continues, “I don’t want you to freak out at this next bit. Whenever I would have to go visit them with my parents, they’d always drink. The guys, whose name I forced myself to forget, go quite abusive when he was drunk, and I guess maybe was the same while sober too, I don’t’ know. So when my parents got arrested, I knew that I had to run off. Run off to a place that no one could find me. Since my mom changed her last name, and my dad has been long forgotten by his family, no one would have considered my grandparents. Cathy would have been too easy, just talk to a classmate and they’d know who was hiding me. Same with Katie, any of the guys, even you. I had to start over.”

Sky starts to play with her hair, one of her few nervous habits. She looks down from the camera, her eyes focusing on the floor. “I dropped off the letters to your house and then went to my grandparents. A maid answered the door and kept asking what I wanted. I guess I just froze up because it wasn’t until Mary pulled me in that I spoke. I just asked for help. Next thing I know they were talking about the arranged marriage and I couldn’t help but intervene. Even though I left you and ran away, that doesn’t mean I stopped loving you. I realized when they were talking about bringing back the marriage idea that I had to stop it. So I suggested the only thing that seemed logical at the time. That I would pretend to be Veronica. It’s not like Veronica wanted to marry you in the first place, and I know you didn’t want to marry her. Plus it gave me the chance to stay in school, start over, be safe from everything caused by my parents, and most importantly, I got to stay with you.”

“That first night,” she pauses and chuckles, “oh goodness, that was my first night of actually acting. First off, there was no guy in my room before you came. I just was trying to play the part of Veronica. And the whole thing with Blake…well my reason for that is because I kept trying to do things to hint to you that it was me. I know it seems stupid, but think about it. If anyone knows how pissed you’d be if your girlfriend was making out with your best friend, it would be me, right? Or of course, Amanda, but that’s a totally different subject. Anyways, I wanted to tell you so many times but I just couldn’t. If anyone found out I could be taken away and I didn’t want that. But I figured if you guessed it…if you found out on your own, then I couldn’t deny it. That’s what started those random letters and chats. Though I must say you’re quite stupid if you couldn’t figure it out. I mean come on! I gave you humongous hints in the first letter and all the letters since then. How could you not see it? And the fact that Veronica also skipped a grade? Seriously!”

Sky laughs her laugh. The one I fell in love with years and years ago. “I told Katie after we had that big fight at jail. Well, actually, she asked me why I didn’t want to see my aunt and uncle and it slipped. I’d been crying for hours and my mind wasn’t set to think like Veronica, it was set to think like me. Matt walked into the room seconds after the truth came out and had overheard. Nate…well, Nate just put the pieces together. Moving on from that though…I decided that if you couldn’t put two and two together, that I’d help you move on from, well, me. That’s what the whole side of telling you it would all work out in the end was about. That’s why I encouraged you to work at your relationship with Veronica. And then you fell in love with her. I knew it before you had told her…me…and it was hard for me to handle. Oh, and what was that bullshit about waiting because you loved me? we’d only been together for two and half months when you and I had sex!”

This is where there was a small break. The next part of the video was in a different room, so I assume it was done after she left again.

“Which brings me onto the next topic, our last night together. I don’t blame you for being mad, I would have felt the same way in that situation. I will tell you though that none of that was me acting like Veronica…well besides the cooking part. Do you know how hard it is to be so close to the guy I love and not just jump him right then and there? Freaking hard! If I regret anything it’s the fact we only did it once before I left. I mean damn I’ve been holding back for way too long. So whenever you did anything that was remotely sexual my body reacted. I forgot all about me pretending to be Veronica, especially when we were in bed.”

“When you backed off I knew you noticed. I’m glad you noticed. But when I saw the expression on your face I knew that I had to leave you alone. At least for the night. So I packed up and left. Now though, you won’t even tell me if you’re okay. I’m going crazy trying to figure out what to do because I can’t lose you. I can’t live without you at least being a semi-friend to me.”

“I always told you that the closer you got the more it would hurt. I was right. But I realized that it only hurts if, in this case, I make it that way. You’ve been chasing me for years and I just ignored you because I didn’t want to get hurt in the future. Now though, I know that you won’t hurt me, and since I’m eighteen, I’ll finally stop running.”

“I understand that you need time, and I’ll give you as much space as you want. When you’re ready to talk, or even if you just need to see me, I’ll be at my dorm until Christmas Break. You know where it is…actually, I think you have a key. Remember that I, Blue Sky Anastasia Reynolds love you, loves you, and will most likely always love you.”

The video just stopped there and I sat frozen in my seat, taking in everything she said. It was the whole story, from start to finish. That’s just it, there is no finish. Not really. No happy ending, or even tragic ending. No ending at all. Just a little pause in her life that I’m supposed to fill with something.

Even though I feel the need to talk to her, to hear her real voice, to touch her, I still couldn’t. It was too soon. I don’t want to just scream at her to let my anger out and that’s why I’m waiting. For both of our sakes though, I hope I don’t have to wait too much longer.
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Song Title: If you're caught in love by belle and sebastian

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