Lost in your eyes

I shut my eyes several times, trying to regain my self-control. Maybe if he had stopped staring at me with those magnetic eyes for at least a second I would have reached my goal easier. I had the feeling that he was having a blast.
I swallowed and began to panic. I had to sing: it was my turn! Elisa, just fucking wake up!

Somehow, the voice began to emerge, although quite uncertain, almost imperceptible at the beginning, then louder and louder, until I managed to return some composure. Well, I always was a statue featuring the vocal cords.
When I finally managed to tear my eyes from his and turned to the dark of the room, everything became easier.

As soon as I finished my part I turned my head slightly to cast a fleeting glance, hidden behind the fringe that had fallen over my eyes.
It was enough to realize that the darkman was not as still, but he was getting closer and closer.
I pretended to be very focused on the audience, as I heard his voice one step away from me.

I was gradually losing consciousness of reality. The assumptions were basically three: I was completely losing my mind, it was always a damn dream (a long dream), or it was all true; at the time I just didn’t know what was the most plausible choice. Was it time to check if in my family there were cases of acute insanity?
I accepted what had happened two days before, I was convinced that was real, but now every certainty was shattered into tiny fragments. Could I really be so lucky?

Suddenly I remembered the words that Arianna had told me a short time ago: "You think too much! Live your life and don’t continue to weigh every little action! Above all, take everything that fate gives you and convince yourself not to live up to it every time, or you will miss all that beauty that the world has to offer!" Of course, leopard can’t change its dots. Maybe, probably, she was right.
I was really so fortunate and I had to thank fate and not try to escape it.

I left behind all fear and inhibition and turned back towards Ville. When he walked up to me I didn’t let him catch me unprepared but I sang smiling back at my partner.
Finally relaxed, I was able to take part in this game of glances increasingly involving as we began to circle around each other, a bit provocatively, but never getting too close.
I then found myself receving a sea of applause, with a partner who certainly deserved it more than me.
Not knowing how to react I decided to leave the stage to Ville and disappear in the wings behind him, taking a final bow.

**

I hid in a little corner far in the background, I sank down on an abandoned, unused crate and embraced my knees, sitting in almost complete dark. A stupid smile still on my face.
I decided to stay there for a while to bask in my personal dream, hoping to be able to keep even a pinch of magic and I was sure nobody would find me.
At least not right away.

"Escape from the fans?" A voice interrupted my thoughts.
Connecting my poor neurons and realizing to whom the voice belonged to, was another blow. For being only seventeen, I have risked too many times to have a heart attack.
"Sorry, I didn’t want to scare you. If you want I’ll leave you in peace," murmured Ville.

"No!" I hastened to reply, perhaps with too much momentum, ashamed instantly.

"It 's just that ... I thought I had found a good hiding," I said, ignoring the tiny detail that every time he spoke to me I forgot to breathe.

I heard him chuckle: "It’s perfect, isn’t it? It’s'exactly what I thought, too. I take refuge here often before or after the show to be alone a little."
For a moment I had thought he was looking for me. Perhaps it was best not to overdo it with the imagination.

"I am therefore a usurper?"

"In a way ..." he laughed. "But I think it's big enough for both. It's the first time I found someone else here. Let's see it in other way: we must be very similar, you and me, don’t you think? Same twisted minds at least."
Eh, maybe ...

I remained silent, still with that stupid smile on my face. I thanked heaven with all my heart that the light was so poor that the darkman couldn’t see my face, although in the dim light I could feel his magnetic eyes on me.
"May I sit down?" He finally asked, not knowing how to interpret my silence.
Once again, I couldn’t find the words and I just scooted to the right, leaving him space.

"I thought you said you're not a singer," he said.

"What?" I blurted out "Don’t make fun of me!"

"I'm not. How long have you been singing?" he seemed really interested.

"Not really," I covered my ass. "I don’t sing! I only do it for fun sometimes. Usually on a compulsion, to tell the truth."
He pulled out the package from the pocket of his jeans, took a cigarette with his mouth and immediately offered me one, but I refused.

"Well,” he sighed, leaving the the flame of the lighter to die, “it's a shame. I assure you that I have heard really many people sing 'Killing Loneliness', I dare to say too many times, most of which I would have gladly spared, and I can say that you did it beautifully, especially considering the fact that you are a woman ... "

"Hey! And what does that mean," I growled at once. My stubborn feministic mind couldn’t remain unrattled faced with such statement, even in front of Ville Valo!

"No, no, I’m not sexually discriminating - he explained - I only meant that because of its very low tone it’s even more difficult for a woman to sing!"

"So, I as a woman I say I accept the compliment," I laughed, "although I fear that the world will lose the privilege to luxuriate in my own voice!"

He shrugged: "You can always change your mind."

"I doubt it. But you can never know, right?"

"Of course, it hasalmost lost my voice! I shouldn’t be the vocalist of the group, but in the absence of an appropriate person..."

"If I had been born a few years earlier, eh? You would have had the perfect singer for the band."

"Well, it wouldn’t work actually. We were looking for a singer."
I couldn’t resist myself not to give him a nudge: "No sex discrimination?"

"Just a little bit," he admitted, "But we were kids, and our band had male idols. Can we leave it behind?"

I showed I was satisfied with the answer, but, to provoke me once more, the darkman said: "Anyway, if we want to speak the whole truth, men were always the dominant sex."
I snorted a little too violently.
”Calm down Fury, I was kidding. If you hurt me, I guess you will be alive for just a few, with those crazy girls out there ready to punish you!” he joked.

I retreated at once: for a moment I forgot who I was talking with.
"Sorry,” I mumbled.

"Superstars don’t forgive easily, you know? Usually you have to pay a rather high forfeit to obtain grace,” I broke away, trying not to sink back in embarrassment. I stayed in the game:

"What should I do, I wonder..."

"Hmm," he pretended to think a second before he pushed me in turn, making me almost hit the ground, but then saved me just in time. "I think we’re even, now."
And for fear - or rather the sudden contact - the heart began to hammer in my chest, we were so close that I wasn’t the only one who noticed it.
Ville let me go and I immediately went back on the edge of the box.

"They will start to wonder if, after my controversial exhibition, I have decided to flee to another continent; like, Antarctica, for example," I tried to bring the conversation to lighter tones.

"Or if some fans have tried to kidnap you. Which then is not entirely a lie. You have been held all this time and disturbed by your fan. By your fan number 1!"

"Do not make me hit you again!" I threatened him.

"I'm serious! Although perhaps you already have a fan number one, that is already looking out for you."
I looked at him frowning for a few seconds.

By then our eyes had become accustomed to the darkness; Ville was staring back at me confused: "The guy on stage with you. Your boyfriend?" he guessed.
I burst out laughing: "You mean Luke? The darkhaired one who tried to steal my applause? Fortunately, that isn’t my boyfriend," I couldn’t stop laughing. It was so absurd.

"Well, by the way he was glancing at you while you were on stage, I think he was jealous," he said, scratching his nose.

 "No way! He’s just very protective. Why would he be jealous? Perhaps, only on the success we've had," I got up, my shaking hands on my jeans,"Uh, about that. You should meet him! He is a real singer. His name is Luke Varden."

"I will remember that," he promised.

"Well, what can I say, thanks again. For the song, too. Now, I have two ticks to put on my list of impossible dreams."
He didn’t stop staring at me curiously, expecting me to continue.

"Knowing Ville Valo and singing a duet with Ville Valo!"
 And going to bed with Ville Valo...

"It's been a pleasure," he smiled. "But before you go to your not-boyfriend..." he turned around, standing up and looking for something in the pockets, "Shit, is it possible that I don’t have a piece of paper?" he snapped. "Is there a chance you have one?"
I shook my head: "No, I'm sorry. But I can ... "

"One moment," he stopped me with a wave of his hand "let me think..."
I don’t know how I managed to restrain myself from laughing out loud in front of his absorbed expression.

"Well, I guess there is no alternative..." he muttered more to himself than to me.

Asking me to follow him, he moved to a spot where the light was a bit stronger. Then he handed me a black marker.

"What? And what should I do with this?" I demanded an explanation, looking surprised.
He opened his jacket, pointing to his shirt. "Autograph," he said simply.

My 'what' echoed in the wings.
"Seriously, I want your autograph!" he urged.

"But why?" I rolled my eyes. "First, what are you going to do with my stupid signature? And second, if you don’t have better things to do, at least let’s find a paper! I’m certainly not going to ruin your shirt."

"Please," he beged, looking me straight in the eyes "Elisa..."

I do not know if that look has melted me in an instant, or it’s the surprise of realizing that he had remembered my name, but I yielded to his request and, although I still thought it was crazy, scribbled my name on his shirt, on his chest; my hand was trembling.
Instantly, he peered down: "Not even a dedication?" he seemed genuinely sad.
Puffing, I added 'To my number one fan and my inspiring muse'. "Okay, now?" I asked.
For a moment he observed the result. "Inspiring muse! Wow! Does it apply since I’m a man?"

"I thought you had understood: I’m for equality of genders!" I said "Almost always at least."

An idea flashed in my head, "Hey, wait, one more thing," I motioned him to come closer.
Ville followed the orders without protest.

"That's it!" I announced soon after.

As soon as he was able to interpret the contrary statement which I added, he stared, frowning: "Girls rule?"

"Of course!" I grinned. "Now you!" I ordered him before he could replicate anything, putting a pen in his hand.

"There's always the problem of the paper," he reminded.

"No, don’t worry, you’ll also sign on the jersey," I invited him.

"Are you sure?" he stared at me. "When I suggested it, you were opposing. You even looked at me like I’m crazy!"

"But it's not the same thing! You've let an unknown person to stain your shirt, and I will have the autograph of Ville Valo! Millions of girls will envy me."

He snorted: "Nonsense. You are inconsistent, period."

He took the pen and proceeded anyway, lingering perhaps a bit too long, vaguely embarrassed, not knowing exactly where to write. Finally, he bent down and began autographing the top of my belly.
Again, the rhythm of my pulse became accelerated, and I almost missed my breath. Was it too much to hope that he hadn’t noticed it?

As soon as he had finished I rushed to read, curious.
In his unmistakable handwriting was written: 'To my wildcat, the best killing singer ever. Ville groupie Valo. "

My lips parted in smile at once: "How should I interpret that 'killing singer'?"

Ville giggled back, "Of course, it’s only a clear reference to the song. Why?" He asked with feigned innocence.

"Farewell groupie. It’s been pleasure to meet you," I greeted him, despite my desire to leave being zero.

"The pleasure is mine. I recommend: Don’t betray the expectations of your fan!"

"Of course, wait and hope! Goodbye."

"Bye."

I walked away as quickly as possible, hoping that I have taken the right way to exit from the wings and won’t be forced to turn back, making the figure of the perfect idiot.
Once again I was assisted by Lady Luck.

**

As soon as I entered the main hall I searched for my friends on the floor. It didn’t take long to recognize the red curls of Arianna in the crowd.
When I achieved that, noticing that she was alone talking with a really tall brown-haired guy, I froze, not wanting to disturb her; but it was too late.
She also saw me and motioned for me to approach her now.

"Hey" I greeted her as soon as I was close.

"WOW" she cried excitedly, "I DO NOT BELIEVE IT! Tell me that you really sang with VILLE VALO!

"Yes. But we’ll talk about it later... Now, I don’t want to distract you," I muttered, casting an eloquent look at the poor guy watching us confused, not understanding a word of what we were saying.

"What? Ah, yes, just a moment," then she turned to the brown-haired and, re-adopting the English language, got rid of him with an excuse in a few seconds, leaving me with my mouth open and her victim rather offended.

"Poor thing," I scolded.

"Nah, he’s an idiot. Good thing you came, rather, than letting him go on," she said resolutely. The girl was fantastic, "Well, what are you waiting? Tell me! How was it? Aww I envy you!"

She didn’t even let me open my mouth, as she saw the writing on my top: "Come on, let me see ... Hey, what does 'my wildcat' mean? He’s too funny. Well, actually, 'killing singer', does suit you perfectly."

Immediately, I hit her, "Groupie?" she burst out laughing heartly.

I joined her joy: "I know he’s all crazy! Much more than you think."

"God, I still can’t comprehend."

"Neither do I!"

"I mean, do you realize? You sang with Ville Valo! And you talked to him. And he signed your shirt. And..." seemed like a time bomb is about to explode.

"Yes!" I let myself go to a motion of euphoria, embracing her.

"Was it obvious that while on the stage I was having a heart attack?"

"Just a little bit," she chuckled. "But I think it came as a blow to everyone in the room.
However, you sang very well. Certainly not better than me..."

"Of course, I tried to imitate the teacher, but I could never surpass her."

"Oh, how beautiful," she sighed, dreamily. "What a dumb luck! How I would love to be in your place."

"You can always say you’re the best friend of Ville Valo's favorite singer," I joked.
In response, I received a tongue.

"Come, let’s return to the others."

"Yes, but tell me word for word what you talked."

"Sure."

"Ah yes, and another little thing..."

"Tell me" I looked at her, a sly expression painted on her face, I knew that I won’t like the question. I knew all too well that look.

"Well, who have you dedicated 'Killing Loneliness' to?"
There I knew it! Snorting, I raised my eyes to the ceiling: "To my secret lover!"

"You’re not going to tell me?" she murmured, doe-eyed.

"I had dedicated it to Ville."

She looked at me, frowning, "But you two haven’t talked then yet. Don’t trifle with me. I think I know but..."

It's true that when one speaks the truth nobody believes him. I smiled: I might as well please her. After all, even that wasn’t really a lie: I felts really good that night with Gabriel.

"Ok, Sherlock, if you already know the answer, then why ask questions?"

"Shit! Great! He’s such sweet guy," she shook my hand, happy, "Although he’s not Ville Valo..."