No Longer Lost, No Longer the Same

Nick and Riley.

We were a packaged deal. You couldn't have a conversation and mention one and not the other. Everything we did, we did together. We grew up together, we were raised in the same neighborhood together, hit puberty together, in different, awkward ways. There was just no separating us. We defied the rule that boys ad girls couldn't be friends, at least for a while. Eventually, feelings began to form one-sided and are relationship started to fall apart faster than we could put it back together.

We hung onto the good memories for dear life.

We walked along the ocean shore, admiring the oranges and reds of the setting sun along the horizon. I held her hand in mine, her warm palm keeping my cold fingers from completely going numb. In the opposite hand I held my shoes, enjoying the feeling of the sand squishing beneath my feet. Riley was strolling next to me, her eyes fixated on the rolling, blue waves. As amazing as the ocean was, I could barely take my eyes off the beautiful girl next to me. Her auburn hair blew in the wind, some of it covering her eyes, but she made no move to sweep it out of her face. A soft smile, much like the one set on my face, was settled on her lips.

“Can we just stay here forever?” She quietly asked me, barely speaking above a whisper, afraid to frighten the birds just at our feet.

“We can do whatever you want, baby.”

She turned to look at me, her green eyes glistening in the setting sun. I could see a slight tint had taken over her cheeks, the barely there sunburn making the freckles on her face stand out. As her eyes held mine captive and my heart skipped beats, I knew, at that very moment, that I didn’t want to be with anyone else but her. She was the girl I loved and there would never be anyone else good enough.

By the time I had realized my true feelings for her it was too late.

His name was Liam and he was a 22 year old law student who attended Harvard and came from a prestigious family; just by that I could never compare. He was tall and strong, though not in the ridiculous Hulk Hogan sort of way. He had brown hair that sat on his head in a perfect stance and he was smart; there was nothing to not like about him. When comparing the two of us, it was like high school. He was the stud and the jock while I was the nerdy musician, with my orange hair and awkward elf-like body. She looked at him like I looked at her, and knowing what that look meant, broke my heart every time.

Riley and I were always together, much less after she had started dating Liam but still, I hung onto to our friendship for dear life. If she wasn’t at my house, I was at hers. We spent hours doing nothing and enjoying every second of it. We'd watch or go to the movies, walk around the mall as she dragged me into store after store, even clean our rooms together. And after spending the day, wandering and exploring, we’d always fall asleep listening to a random record play.

I would do anything to be in that bed again. If only it was me, instead of him.

14 months and 7 days ago. . .

I hadn’t been able to take my eyes off her all night. Her short dress hugged her curves perfectly and the heels she had been wearing made her legs look like they went on for days. Her laugh floated swiftly through the air, thick with sweaty teens and alcohol of the packed house and over the immense amount of chatter between the people. A red Solo cup was held firmly in her hands and a smile was planted on her face. She looked like nothing could bring her down, like she was floating on air.

Everything about her was perfect. Except for the fact that Liam had a vice-like grip around her waist. His eyes watched everyone that got within a few steps from her, guarding her like she was his property.

I made my way through the crowd, ignoring everyone that threw a drunken comment my way. As I got closer, I could see her eyes exploring the room before finally settling on me. The way her smile grew made my heart race, knowing that I was able to make her that happy. Liam, on the other hand, narrowed his eyes at me, his lips settling into a tight line. But I didn’t care because the smile on Riley’s face said all I needed to know.

“Nick, I haven’t seen you all night!” Riley exclaimed, throwing her arms around me. It took all the will power in my body not to throw her over my shoulder and run for the hills, away from everyone and everything.

“I was uh, just trying to catch up with everyone here. Plus, you weren’t alone. I knew Liam was with you.”

“Speaking of Liam,” she said turning to him, “Can you go get me a refill? I’m running low.” She handed him her empty cup. I could tell he was hesitant about leaving me alone with her, but he turned around anyway, headings towards the kitchen loaded with alcohol.

“So, what’s your New Year’s resolution?” She asked me, fixing the collar of my shirt, a habit she’s had since I’ve known her.

I thought about it for minute before speaking. “To not hold back, work towards all my goals with no hesitation,” I said, thinking thoughtfully. Her eyes narrowed slightly, studying my face. “What’s yours?”

“To be happy.”

“You’re not already?”

“I don't really know,” She trailed off, her eyes piercing into mine.

I snorted. “Yeah, that sounds convincing.”

“10…9…8…”

“It’s almost midnight.” I said, watching as all the couples in the room cuddled together watching the countdown on the TV.

“7…6…5…”

“I wonder where Liam is,” she said as she examined the crowd.

“4…3…2…”

I didn’t even think twice. As everyone in the room screamed and the ball dropped on the TV, I slipped my arm around her waist, spun her around and crashed my lips onto hers. Despite us being best friends and her having a boyfriend, she slowly began to kiss me back. I had to fight to keep the smile off my face. Just as the kiss was deepening, I was suddenly ripped away from her. Liam immediately moved to stand next to Riley, his facial expression screaming anger.

“What the fuck is your problem?!” He spat.

I was at a loss for words; I just stood there dumbfounded. I had just kissed my best friend.

Instead of staying there and fighting for the girl I loved, my best friend, I turned and walked away. That was one of my biggest mistakes of my life. And as the night moved on, I did anything I could to avoid them. I stood back and watched her dance with him and when the party began to dwindle down, I watched out the window as she left with him.

It should have been me inside that car and it should have been me driving away with her.

As sad as it may seem, I never lost hope, not even after an entire year passed and we began to fade as friends. Atleast, not until I received the champagne colored wedding invitation in the mall.

It surprised me. I guess somewhere in my mind, I assumed she was waiting for me, just like I was waiting for her. But I know she’s happy and even though I can’t be the one to call her mine, no matter how much I want to, I’m glad she found someone who can. Sometimes, you can’t tell someone how you feel. Not because you don’t trust them or expect to be let down, but simply because you have no idea how to truly make them understand. It’s hard explaining, at least for me, strong emotions. I’m not good with expressing how I feel, and I guess that’s where I went wrong.

I won’t be going to the wedding, nor will I even RSVP. Sometimes it’s better to let go of the past.

Will he love you like I loved you?
Will he tell you everyday?
Will he make you feel like you're invincible
With every word he'll say?

Can you promise me if this was right?
Don't throw it all away

Can you do all these things?
Will you do all these things
Like we used to?